WASHINGTON, D.C.— NSA intelligence yesterday revealed that they were aware of the location of the Jones’ family Mother’s Day Brunch.

“We suspected that they may have been harboring terrorists,” said NSA director and soon-to-be CIA member Michael Hayden. “We thought this name ‘Jones’ was a whole ploy to distract us from what their true motives may have been. We read their code system like a piece of cake: Mother’s Day Brunch was actually the name of their covert terrorist operation.”

He continued to tell us the striking details of the process. “We decided to station some of our men at the specified location, to make sure they didn’t try anything funny. I didn’t know what kind of anthrax they had in that lox, but it sure didn’t look kosher to me.”

Other members of the NSA were skeptical of the operation as well. A higher-up at the organization who needs to remain anonymous for purposes unknown said, “The grandma was an especially suspicious character. She carried around her cane at all times that most likely contained some sort of explosives. This was no playground for children, this Mother’s Day Brunch.”

The location of the brunch still should not be disclosed, but due to excessive leaking from the intelligence agencies, we found out that it took place at the Nursing Home at 332 Crawford St.

When the undercover men from the NSA showed up at the brunch, they were surprised to find an unusually large amount of toddlers roaming around, and just normally family conversation. They ran countless test on the lox and bagels, but there were no visible traces of any biological or chemical weapons of mass destruction.

“This was a real shock,” said director Michael Hayden. “I don’t now how this could have happened.”

“I am confident it was based on faulty intelligence,” responded the ever-so-calm President George W. Bush. “It must have been the Father’s Day brunch at Aunt Susie’s where they were hiding the weaponry.”

DEERFIELD—A local man, who most Deerfield residents know simply as “The Monopoly Guy,” has been taken to court, and charged under the Sherman Anti-Trust Act. The supposed victim of the crime, Mr. Thimble, has alleged that Mr. Monopoly, in fact, owned Marvin Gardens, Atlantic Avenue, and Ventnor Avenue, and has built a total of three houses on each, and there were talks of bringing in multiple hotels, which would have cost an astonishing one-hundred and fifty dollars.

If he plans to build hotels, he would be investigated as guilty of Monopolistic behavior, and would serve time in jail. If convicted he would go to jail, directly to jail, not stopping to pass “Go,” and certainly not stopping to collect any sum of money, let alone $200.

When asked how Mr. Monopoly gained all of this land, Mr. Thimble angrily replied, “Well, I think that it may have something to do with the fact that Mr. Top Hat traded away Marvin Gardens, Atlantic Avenue, and the Waterworks just to get Park Place, which he didn’t even have enough freakin’ money to put houses on.”

In court it is still not positive in what direction the defense is moving. Mr. Thom Jenkins, head attorney for the prosecution stated, “We aren’t sure where the defense is going. There are talks of rolling doubles, but that will keep him tied up for a while. $50 is a lot of money for a man in his position to pay, so I’m not sure that they want to do that. There is a chance that they’ve got a get out of jail free card in there, but that is unlikely.”

Overall the court case has not been going well for Mr. Monopoly, in fact, even the money he made is now gone. “I took all the money I gained off Marvin Gardens, and I bought a Gold Monocle. It seemed like a good idea at the time,” said the defendant. “I have given so much to this city, good housing, great hotels, and most of all free parking, but they want to see me in jail. Those ungrateful bastards.” According to a recent poll, 24% of residents think that he is guilty, 16% think that he is innocent, and the other 45% just want to know whether or not he is bald under that top hat.

The court date is set for a week from now, and things look good for Mr. Monopoly in this case. Sadly, “get out of jail free” cards will not help him in his other non-related offence, sexual assault.

NEW YORK—Just yesterday, David Blaine started an event that would go down in the history when he began his attempt to tie his shoe and whistle for 37 hours, 15 minutes, and 23 seconds consecutively.

If he succeeded in his attempt to go for 37 hours, 15 minutes, and 23 seconds straight he would break the previous world record held by Hans Brinclhof, Austrian Bartender and Couch Potato Extraordinaire.

Brinclhof was there to witness the events and root against Blaine. “This is my title and I don’t need some snob of a magician stealing it from me,” retorted the feisty Brinclhof.

Blaine has been training the last three years for this event, and his body is in perfect shape to complete the tasks. He is reported to have a team of forty-nine experts working around the clock to keep him sustained and alive in this life-threatening task. Included in this team of experts is a team of fourteen doctors, all of which will be monitoring his vital organs and blood sugar concentrations.

“David initially wanted to whistle and tie his shoe with five pairs of handcuffs on,” reported his head doctor, Dr. Sevenstein. “But I told him there was no possible way his body could sustain such rigorous tasks, especially while he is doing something so ordinary at the same time.”

Blaine’s trainer, Hubert Appont, was very excited for the event. “We did many advanced exercises in shoe tying and whistling,” said the Frenchman Appont with his very French accent. “We also did many breath holding exercises as well, which remarkably, he was very good at.”

Blaine had a crowd of near fifteen thousand New Yorkers gathered to watch him attempt the possible. “It was great to see that he had all this support from the great community of New York City,” said a local townsperson, Drew Crafton. “It just shows why New York is such a great city. We all band together behind our magicians and watch them do something really simple like whistle, or tie their shoe.”

David Blaine also received round the clock coverage from ABC in their special, “Watch David Blaine Do Something Really, Really Easy.” ABC expected around thirty million people worldwide to be watching him in his great feat.

“I heard he was going to snap at the same time too,” said New York resident Tom Respuit. “But I guess that was just a rumor, because he never did that, although it would have been pretty cool.”

David Blaine had been tying his shoe for 36 hours and 40 minutes when his doctors started to notice something funny. “It appeared as if his cerebral blood flow was at an abnormal rate,” said Dr. Sevenstein. “It didn’t look as if he would make it the whole time. We finally had to tell him to quit at 37 hours on the dot and rush him to the nearest hospital. He was close, but no cigar.”

David Blaine was disappointed that he did not get the world record, but he realized his life would go on. “I did not want to let down the people of New York,” he said. “But that last whistle just took it all out of me.”

Blaine said his inspiration for this event came from Stan, a guy who worked at the local shoe store. He didn’t say why.

Although he was very sad about his performance and failure to beat Brinclhof, he was still able to do magic tricks to amuse the little children such as making people disappear and not come back.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The CIA just recently announced that Pope Benedict will be heading up its division to decipher the enigma that we know as The Da Vinci Code. Up until this point the CIA has been struggling with intelligence and has not been able to sufficiently make headway on important issues.

“When they asked me to help them crack The Da Vinci Code, I was ecstatic,” remarked the Pope. “Honestly, I really like this book. It is a great piece of fiction.”

With the upcoming confirmation of new CIA chief Michael Hayden, the transitional CIA executive board needed an interim officer to head up the committee to research into the Da Vinci code.

When President Bush approved the Pope to head up the committee, he just wanted to strengthen relations with the Vatican.

Bush was euphoric when he spoke about the Vatican. “You know guys, I never understood the Vatican. Is it a country? Is it a state? Is it a city? Is it a province? Is it a papal district? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t think anyone knows. The CIA doesn’t even recognize it on their website! What does Holy See even mean?”

The Flipside inquired the Pope as to how he would run the committee to crack the code. He said he had a whole game plan laid out. “The first night, everyone is going to read pages 1-34 and we will do a fishbowl discussion. The section night, we are looking at pages 35-72 and will probably do a reading check of some sort because I doubt President Bush even knows how to read.”

The Cardinals convened to discuss the recent appointment of the Pope to the CIA committee on the Da Vinci Code. Cardinal Poreku Dery had a lot to say about the incident. “I actually really liked the book too. I especially liked the part where they visited Isaac Newton’s tomb. That was so compelling.”

The general consensus among Cardinals and Priests was all of praise for Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code and the new movie. Father Howdoyoudo commented, “The critics may not have loved the movie, but all of the ministers thought it was just splendid.”

The Pope and the CIA commission will continue to meet to discuss the Da Vinci Code and see if they can crack the mystery.

DENVER—The recently created Chicago professional Tic Tac Toe team, called “9 Box Chaos” is off to Denver, and their star player Ken “Knobby Fingers” Grank, is restless.

For the last two months, but what seems like an eternity to his team, he has been complaining that neither Adidas nor Nike will give him his own personalized shoe brand. “I am the best player on the team by far, the least they can do is give me my own personalized shoe brand,” said the annoyed Grank.

“9 Box Chaos” enters the 32nd Annual International Tic Tac Toe championships with their hopes high. They are looking to go undefeated in this year’s tournament and bring home the First Place Grand Prize of Travel Tic Tac Toe.

The event is held in Denver every year, due to the lack of tourism in Denver and their close ties with the United Kingdom (the game was believed to be invented in the United Kingdom). The teams compete in a best of three matches, with team having five representatives. Each player on the team plays three games. Each game is worth one point and a tie is resulted in a redo. The team with the moist points at the end of the three matches is the winner. But the real question here is if anybody knew that Chicago had a Tic Tac Toe team.

“We’re obviously not very well known,” said Captain Joe “The Natural” Orcrand. “We hope that we can come back victorious and possibly get some more fans out at our matches”. The team’s most recent matches have had such famous audience members as the mothers and occasional wives of the team members.

“I really think this whole thing by Grank is a publicity stunt,” said Captain Joe “The Natural” Orcrand. “He’s not the captain or the best player, and this whole shoe thing is just a commercial act to get him some attention!”

There are currently seven members on the team. “It’s nice to have seven in case someone comes down with an injury or just can’t come to the meets,” said 7 year veteran Evan Travinsky. “I remember back in ’99 I had that terrible arm cramp and my team had to forfeit because of me and….can we just turn the cameras off man. This is just too painful to talk about.” The Flipside then informed Mr. Travinsky that there were no cameras, just this simple reporter. He proceeded to cry on my shoulder.

The team meets in Ken “Knobby Fingers” Grank’s basement every Friday night to practice. They run drills such as fifteen second games, which works on fast thinking, and Hugs and Kisses, which is understanding and getting to know the X’s and O’s. The thought process behind that drill is to have a better relationship with the playing pieces, resulting in the pieces wanting to do better for the 2 month old team instead of their opponents.

“We have fun with it, and we just go out and do our stuff,” said Orcrand. “Some of us have been playing for ten, twenty, fifteen years, and that alone is a huge boost for the rookies on our team who have had little professional experience. We have a great team and a lot of potential to do well.”

The team has still not resolved this issue of the shoes, but sources close to the team say they may bribe him with a few shiny new pens.

By Diego Goldfarb

Salt Lake City, UTAH—Dennis Colby, 44, who was just hired as an apprentice janitor at Hogle Zoo has inspired many area residents with his persistent faith in “the man upstairs.”

“No matter what happens in my life,” explained Colby as he learned to sweep up monkey feces, “I know that the good lord is always looking out for me.”

Colby, who has experienced many hardships in his life, including losing his wife and child in a freak lightning accident during a massive storm, maintains his optimism and considers such accidents to be part of “the lord’s great plan.”

“The lord was bowling and he happened to get a strike,” said Colby as he lay on his ‘Covenant Cot’ after a long day of observing the higher paid janitors mop spilled diet Pepsi at the food court and hold tissues for sneezing panda bears.

Colby has inspired so many because he has made the most of such menial, demeaning labor. “Did Noah complain every time he had to clean up hippo vomit? Well I am Noah, and this is my ark.”

With the recent release of Google subsidiaries such as Google Moon, Google Mars, and Google Jupiter’s 12th Moon, Internet search engine powerhouse, Google, just announced its newest project, Google Google.

This new Google Google will provide users with pictures of Google, research on the “Google Guys,” an in depth examination of the number googolplex, and a speech given by Professor Chauncy Rafferty on how goofy the word google is.

Google founder Sergey Brin discussed the repercussions of Google Google. “Google Google is a great way to expand our horizons to a world beyond the monitor screen.”

While Google junkies are doting over the idea of Google Google, some critics feel it is best that Google just focus on the inevitable, total world domination. Longtime Amish man Grayson O’Callahan, a prominent critic of all things technological, said “This Google Google sham is a whole bunch of gobbledygook. Lucky for these guys, not too many people know about this “Google” site. Of course, the only people I convene with are men with Matisyahu beards who ride a horse and think that the Internet is a type of fishing gear.”

After the founders of Google learned of their critics’ accusations they said “This whole plan to take over the world…that is no lie. However, our game plan is still in Beta.”

Wheeling, West Virginia-Cosmetic surgeon Dr. Edward Hameletnius Wenteltenskin Thornstone has received accolades from the medical world for his recent innovations with raisin Botox procedures that bring dried fruits back to their initial ripeness.

Prior to this innovation, Dr. Thornstone’s business had been struggling as he was caught picking the nose of a patient mid-nose job. While claiming the incident to be a mere accident, he saw a lull in business for an extended period of time.

Having no patients and an endless supply of Botox available for his use, Thornstone saw an opportunity for innovation.

“I was thinking that if I could remove the wrinkles of aging from the skin of humans, I’d be able to remove the wrinkles from raisins,” said Thornstone, “after failing initially, I was able to invent a fail-safe system for raisin Botox injections.”

With his recent successes in raisin wrinkle removal, he sees a bright future ahead for other dried fruits.

“Apricots, prunes, dates, all could be the next to receive a Botox injection to improve their ripeness and bring a whole new zest to their life,” said Thornstone.

The fruit community is excited by these new innovations.

“We are very excited,” said a grape.

The apples agreed.

After the immense success of the newest fifth season of ‘24’ starring Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer, a sixth season is scheduled to come out. In’24,’ each episode is exactly one hour of a day, thus by simple arithmetic, the entire season adds up to a whole day. But the show’s massive audience argues that they cannot simply skip Sunday, Bauer’s day off.

The new season is to feature the “everyday Jack Bauer, that lives within every one of us” says’24’ producer Tanner Farnsworth. The show is to feature every minute of Bauer’s Sunday, including all nine and a half hours of Bauer in deep slumber.

In an interview Sutherland said, “While I may be the crime-fighting, terrorist-battling agent who goes 12-round with Oscar de la Hoya ‘because he can,’ I want to show America that I too drink my coffee with four sugars, and that I too know every word to the Spongebob song.”

We here at the Flipside were able to catch a sneak peak of the first episode of the new season in which Bauer spearheads a mission to kick his son out of his favorite seat on the couch. The season will feature many instances like that including an episode called “Doogy-Doo” which shows viewers how Jack Bauer picks up his dog’s waste.

The season’s halfway point will be marked by the episode where Bauer attends church. “I want to show that side of me to America,” remarked Sutherland.

Finally the season concludes with stunning visuals and breathtaking action sequences as Bauer attends hi mother-in-law’s home for a Sunday barbeque.