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New FOX Show “American Immigrant” to Cross Boundaries

New FOX Show “American Immigrant” to Cross Boundaries

New FOX Show “American Immigrant” to Cross Boundaries

By Curry Gagarin LOS ANGELES—With the success that American Idol has brought to the Fox Network, Fox has recently announced that, in alliance with the GOP, it will be producing “American Immigrant” for the upcoming fall lineup. President of Fox Rupert Murdoch thinks that this is a bold new step for television as a whole [...]

December 14, 2008 / / Read More
Man Who Also Has Name Chuck Norris Getting Inflated Ego

Man Who Also Has Name Chuck Norris Getting Inflated Ego

Man Who Also Has Name Chuck Norris Getting Inflated Ego

By Timpani Timmy AKRON, OH—A local plumber’s assistant and devout “lifter” who happens to share the name Chuck Norris with the infamous booty-kicker and movie star is taking advantage of the recent trend of “Chuck Norris Jokes.” It has come to the point where he literally thinks he is the second leading cause of death [...]

December 14, 2008 / / Read More
Citing Lack of Presidential Achievement, Bush Unifies the Dakotas

Citing Lack of Presidential Achievement, Bush Unifies the Dakotas

Citing Lack of Presidential Achievement, Bush Unifies the Dakotas

By Winston Llental Recently, immediately after realizing that he was indeed President, George W. Bush also realized that his time in office was running out. Looking back on his tenure at President, he didn’t see anything that would mark his legacy for years to come. In order to do so, and have a little fun [...]

December 14, 2008 / / Read More
SmartFilter on Rampage! : Deerfield High School Web Filter Blocks Allen Iverson; Internet

SmartFilter on Rampage! : Deerfield High School Web Filter Blocks Allen Iverson; Internet

SmartFilter on Rampage! : Deerfield High School Web Filter Blocks Allen Iverson; Internet

BY BERNARD TIBBERTS DEERFIELD, IL—The new SmartFilter that Deerfield High School has employed to safeguard its students from the dangers of the real world was recently found to be blocking the Internet. Many students were trying to access the Internet for scholastic purposes when they were confronted by the evil SmartFilter along with the password [...]

December 14, 2008 / / Read More
Tennis Superstar Parents Unimpressed by Son’s Artistic Talent

Tennis Superstar Parents Unimpressed by Son’s Artistic Talent

Tennis Superstar Parents Unimpressed by Son’s Artistic Talent

By Huey Caquest Husband and wife Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf are known worldwide for their tennis talent and prowess on the court. But with the four and a half year anniversary of their son Jaden Gil’s birthday fast approaching, the two parents worry about their son’s future. “[Jaden] has yet to swing his tennis [...]

December 14, 2008 / / Read More
“Small” Addition to DHS Security

“Small” Addition to DHS Security

“Small” Addition to DHS Security

In a press release, the DHS head of internal security said that our hallway security staff would be joined by one more guard, Gary Coleman. The reason for the addition to the force was because Pete’s bomb disarming skills are a little rusty, and Coleman specializes in building and disarming bombs. This reporter wasn’t lucky [...]

December 14, 2008 / / Read More
Well Meaning Substitute Gym Teacher Fails to Impress

Well Meaning Substitute Gym Teacher Fails to Impress

Well Meaning Substitute Gym Teacher Fails to Impress

By Ren Ixley Substitue Teacher Chuck JonesWith whistle and clipboard in hand, first-time substitute P.E. teacher Chuck Jones showed up to the Exhibition Gym with a mission. “I’m going to change these kids’ lives,” he said to himself as he confidently walked in. Those were lofty ambitions considering he was only substituting for one day [...]

December 14, 2008 / / Read More
You Really Must Wish You Were My Dog

You Really Must Wish You Were My Dog

You Really Must Wish You Were My Dog

BY VLAD VILSENT If there is one person whom I envy, any one person, it would have to be a great person. I’m pretty full of myself and therefore I think I rock already, so to envy someone, it is big news to me. But the person, well thing, whom I envy the most, is [...]

December 14, 2008 / / Read More
Barry Bonds Tests Positive for Spinach

Barry Bonds Tests Positive for Spinach

Barry Bonds Tests Positive for Spinach

By Vernon Zexis SAN FRANCISCO—After numerous steroid allegations that have been placed upon San Francisco Giants’ left fielder Barry Bonds since the 2001 season, Major League Baseball today realized they had him all wrong. George Mitchell, head of baseball’s new steroid investigation, held a startling press conference today to announce that Barry Bonds had been [...]

December 14, 2008 / / Read More
Fan Hurts Kellen Winslow’s Feelings; Winslow Out For Season

Fan Hurts Kellen Winslow’s Feelings; Winslow Out For Season

Fan Hurts Kellen Winslow’s Feelings; Winslow Out For Season

By Dudley Tenfold Former University of Miami Hurricane star tight end Kellen Winslow made his entry into the NFL with a bang. And by bang, we mean he broke his leg in many, many places sidelining him for the year, both physically and emotionally. The following year promised to be promising for the promising pigskin [...]

December 14, 2008 / / Read More
DHS Spanish Teacher to Co-Star in Upcoming Antonio Banderas Movie

DHS Spanish Teacher to Co-Star in Upcoming Antonio Banderas Movie

DHS Spanish Teacher to Co-Star in Upcoming Antonio Banderas Movie

By Angel Gilmore It was announced earlier this week that Profesora Lupe Vicario has been hired to act alongside world-renowned actor Antonio Banderas in his upcoming new film. “I’m just so excited, I’m not sure what to think!” exclaimed a wild-eyed Vicario. She auditioned for the part months ago, but there was a slight delay [...]

December 14, 2008 / / Read More
Local Phobiaphobic in Constant State of Fear

Local Phobiaphobic in Constant State of Fear

Local Phobiaphobic in Constant State of Fear

By Camper Tiffley DEERFIELD, IL-Just last Tuesday, a local Deerfield man was diagnosed with phobiaphobia. The man, named Fred Phabic, is a carpenter and self-proclaimed Mr. Fix It, but he has one slight quirk. The Flipside interviewed his doctor, and found very surprising results. When Mr. Phabic came in for his check-up, his doctor told [...]

December 14, 2008 / / Read More
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