By Curry Gagarin

LOS ANGELES—With the success that American Idol has brought to the Fox Network, Fox has recently announced that, in alliance with the GOP, it will be producing “American Immigrant” for the upcoming fall lineup. President of Fox Rupert Murdoch thinks that this is a bold new step for television as a whole and sees this as an exciting new opportunity.

“Fox is looking to bank off not only the recent rise in interest in America that American Idol has brought on, but is also looking to use the recent immigration discussions in Congress to roll in ratings.”

The premise of the show involves taking immigrants and forcing them into a basic skills competition, where one by one they will be eliminated from the competition and deported to their respective countries by the audience watching at home, until the final winning immigrant will be awarded a green card and thirty dollars.

The first few rounds of the show will feature the participants battling each other in obstacle course-like contests that are rumored to consist of such events as shoe kicking, egg on a spoon races, three-legged sack races, and spinning their head on a baseball bat five times before completing a timed 50-yard dash. For most of these competitions, the contestants will be blindfolded.

“By completing such tasks, it will prove whether these immigrants will be able to deal with the hardships of American life on a much grander scale,” says show producer and “American Idol” creator Simon Fuller.

The show itself will draw its contestants from the pool of countless illegal immigrants currently in America, and twelve lucky contestants will be forced to participate. During the course of the competition, the contestants will have to live in only one Beverly Hills mansion, to get a taste of the American Dream that will likely be taken away from them.

As with any Fox show, there will be three judges presiding over the competition, telling America how each contestant is doing and ever so slightly reveal who the winner should be. Simon Cowell is said to be really excited about this new project.

“I’m going to treat all contestants fairly,” said Cowell. “If I feel like they haven’t handled that egg on the spoon well, I’m going to say so.”

After the number of contestants dwindles down to four, the final four contestants will have to complete much harder tasks. In the final episode, the remaining two participants will race to see which of the two can complete an elbow licking, then hack into the Pentagon, and finally write the great American novel.

According to Murdoch, “By having the final round consist of these tasks, we can promise the American viewer that the winning contestant and “new American immigrant” will be the most legal and best immigrant to ever step forth on American soil.”

Even if the show is massively successful, Fox representatives have said that they will absolutely NOT be reprising the show for a second season to let yet another illegal immigrant into the country, citing that the cost would be too great.

Popularity: 6% [?]

By Timpani Timmy

AKRON, OH—A local plumber’s assistant and devout “lifter” who happens to share the name Chuck Norris with the infamous booty-kicker and movie star is taking advantage of the recent trend of “Chuck Norris Jokes.” It has come to the point where he literally thinks he is the second leading cause of death in the United States and believes he has a fist for a chin.

“He has really been taking those jokes to heart,” says Burt Stutts, a longtime friend and crony down at the gym. “On more than one occasion, he has forced someone to tell the jokes as he leans back and closes his eyes in a state of proud bliss.”

Many friends have also noted that this Chuck Norris has been getting offended at the use of the term “joke” to describe what he calls his “obvious virtues.” The man’s family is displaying a sense of worry now as well. “Whenever we watch Walker, Texas Ranger reruns now he complains about the supposed “lack of realism” and how they are “portraying him as a softie.”

“We’ve tried to bring him to therapy,” continued his brother, “but he refuses to go because he thinks therapy should be called Chuck Norris and it should consist of him showing off his abs to millions of adoring fans.”

As for now, his friends and family are beginning to get used to his extremely misguided arrogance and brand spankin’ new beard, because as he often says while basking in his own cleverness, “This Chucktatorship is going nowhere.”

Popularity: 9% [?]

By Winston Llental

Recently, immediately after realizing that he was indeed President, George W. Bush also realized that his time in office was running out. Looking back on his tenure at President, he didn’t see anything that would mark his legacy for years to come. In order to do so, and have a little fun on the way, Bush announced at a recent press conference that he would be unifying North Dakota and South Dakota into one state known as The Dakota.

“The Dakota will bring North Dakotans and South Dakotans together as one, ending a feud that has lasted for more than a century,” says Bush.

Whether or not that feud had existed prior Bush’s announcement, it has lead to an eruption of state pride that has turned into a hatred not seen in America since the likes of the Civil War. North Dakotans are now accusing South Dakotans of slave running while South Dakotans are accusing North Dakotans of making illegal trade agreements with Canada.

A question also remains as to how the current Republican governors of North and South Dakota, John Hoeven and Michael Rounds, respectively, will share power. Although Bush has already named both of them as Co-Governors of The Dakota, a publicity blitz has begun to oust either governor on both sides of the Dakota state lines. The Anti-Michael Rounds of the former North Dakota is touting a campaign that uses “Michael Rounds is a Square,” while the Anti-John Hoeven campaign of South Dakota is using the campaign of “Hoeven Ain’t Got Love for The Dakota.”

If the Dakota dream does come true as Bush hopes, he is sure that it will spark tourism to the least exciting state in America. “I honestly don’t know what is down there,” Bush chuckled. “Heck, one state, two states, red state, blue state!”

Bush said he would go to any lengths necessary to unify the Dakotas, even if it means an invasion by the US army to the North/South Dakota state line. Democrats were outraged by this claim, but since they offered no viable solution as they often do, they said they wouldn’t stop The Dakota from becoming a reality.

Popularity: 1% [?]

BY BERNARD TIBBERTS

DEERFIELD, IL—The new SmartFilter that Deerfield High School has employed to safeguard its students from the dangers of the real world was recently found to be blocking the Internet.

Many students were trying to access the Internet for scholastic purposes when they were confronted by the evil SmartFilter along with the password prompt. This was really a setback to the learning process and many students expressed their frustrations.

“I just wanted to see the assignment I had in Honors World History today that my teacher posted, but how am I supposed to get to it now that the whole Internet is blocked?”

The director of the technology department at the school addressed the concerns calmly. “There is no reason to believe that anything is going wrong. The SmartFilter was set, Filbert as we call him affectionately, to block any sort of site deemed probable to harm a student, and basically the whole Internet fell under that category.”

We then asked him whether or not he was aware that he was blocking his own website, the Deerfield High School home page. His unruffled response: “The information on there was just not suitable.”

The information on the Deerfield High School home page as well as the general Internet breached the forty-two main categories of internet censoring including but not limited to everything.

In addition to blocking the entire World Wide Web, the SmartFilter was found to be making appearances at NBA games.

Last week, in the middle of a game between the Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers and Indiana Pacers, the SmartFilter came in in the fourth quarter and made a huge block on Allen Iverson.

“I thought he was just limited to the Internet,” said Iverson in a press conference after the game. “I didn’t know he had those kind of hops. I mean he got up. He rejected that thing all the way back into the tenth row. That’s crazy.”

We asked Iverson if he was embarrassed that he was blocked by the SmartFilter, who is not technically in the NBA. He refused to comment.

Head Coach of the Pacers Rick Carlisle was ecstatic. “The SmartFilter really gave us an energy boost that we needed to win that game and make a run. After that block on Allen Iverson, he went on the score fifteen points and grab eight boards and get seven assists. We don’t get those kind of stats out of anyone. He definitely will be getting a bonus.”

As of now, the SmartFilter is retired back to his home in the Deerfield High School computer network blocking websites pointlessly, and drinking coffee and playing Text Twist (on Netscape).

Popularity: 2% [?]

By Huey Caquest

Husband and wife Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf are known worldwide for their tennis talent and prowess on the court. But with the four and a half year anniversary of their son Jaden Gil’s birthday fast approaching, the two parents worry about their son’s future.

“[Jaden] has yet to swing his tennis racket properly,” says Agassi, who claims that he tries teaching the basics of tennis to his son day and night to no avail. “All he wants to do is stay at home and finger-paint. [Pete] Sampras is already giving me grief about his son Christian and how talented he is. The world might as well just hand Christian Sampras the Wimbledon title right now.”

While Agassi has never had a taste for modern art (he’s always considered himself a Renaissance type of guy), art critics are starting to take notice of the talented young Jaden.

“His use of shadow with his temperate colors seems to add a real flair to a lot of his early work,” says French critic Floyd Reauchambeau on his skills as a finger painter, “and I have yet to see his shadings with his blue and green colors be matched by any other preschooler in the western hemisphere.”

While the young Jaden Gil Agassi is beginning to receive notice in the art world, he has fallen out of favor with his parents, becoming their second favorite child to his three-year old sister. Graf said it was only a matter of time before this would happen.

“It’s rather elementary, the only reason Andre and I got together was to produce the world’s greatest tennis player,” says Graf. “As soon as Jaden had a falling out with tennis, our efforts turned to our daughter. We hope that within a few years, by the age of eight, she’ll be able to beat both of the Williams sisters at once.”

Four-year old Jaden currently resides in a smaller, one room garage beside the Agassi mansion, with only a few canvases and only the primary colors in finger-paint form, as provided unwillingly by his parents.

Popularity: 1% [?]

In a press release, the DHS head of internal security said that our hallway security staff would be joined by one more guard, Gary Coleman. The reason for the addition to the force was because Pete’s bomb disarming skills are a little rusty, and Coleman specializes in building and disarming bombs.

This reporter wasn’t lucky enough to catch Coleman for any sort of interview, but he was lucky enough to form questions and find quotes from past interviews and copy/paste them into a word processor. (*These are real interviews)

Barry Solomon(abbreviated BS for rest of interview): Thanks for finding the time to sit down and chat Mr. Coleman.

Gary Coleman: Oh, well I’m not (Interview, Aug 8, 2003).

BS: Yes, I noticed that you are running in place.

Gary Coleman: Not really running (Interview, Aug 8, 2003).

BS: Well anyway, how are you? What have you been up to lately?

Gary Coleman: I question everything. I question authority… I question government… I question people who say they are experts (Interview, Aug 8, 2004).

BS: All right. Right now I’m looking at a short page my research assistants made up, and is it true that you once saved a bus full of children from mountain lions?

Gary Coleman: Oh absolutely (Interview, Jan 27, 2005).

BS: I’m impressed. This also says that you train with Splinter, the martial arts master who trained a group of adolescent malformed tortoises.

Gary Coleman: Yeah, that’s my number one hobby. I’ve been doing that for damn near 25 years now (Interview, Jan 27, 2005).

BS: Hmm, interesting. Is there anything else you have been doing in your free time?

Gary Coleman: Trying to fly to the moon without a space suit! (Interview, Sep. 10, 1998).

BS: Wow, that seems pretty impossible. I don’t see anyway feasible you could really accomplish that safely.

Gary Coleman: Part of my chromosomal make-up. I can’t even tell you why (Interview, Jan. 27, 2005).

BS: What is your experience as far as school security goes?

Gary Coleman: Only once … It wasn’t the best job I could have done (Interview, Sep. 10, 1998).

BS: Has anyone ever gotten hurt while you were on the job?

Gary Coleman: Hey, as long as they want to pay big bucks (Interview, Sep. 10, 1998).

BS: I believe that we are out of time. Thank you for sitting down with me. Is there anything you would like to say to the student body as we leave?

Gary Coleman: Stay home (Interview, Sep. 10, 1998).

Popularity: 4% [?]

By Ren Ixley

Substitue Teacher Chuck JonesWith whistle and clipboard in hand, first-time substitute P.E. teacher Chuck Jones showed up to the Exhibition Gym with a mission. “I’m going to change these kids’ lives,” he said to himself as he confidently walked in. Those were lofty ambitions considering he was only substituting for one day while the teacher was home sick. However, if there was ever a man for the job, he was it. Or at least he thought he was. “I did some assistant coaching down at the Y for my son Connor’s hockey team, and I’ve recently spent a lot of time down at the rec center teaching jump shots to differently-abled foster children.”

“I think I’m prepared to handle this,” he said, with a blaze of healthy self-assurance. Despite the fact that there was nothing to actually “handle”, Mr. Jones was nothing if not prepared. Mr. Jones attempted to get off to a friendly start with the class when he informed the class that they were free to call him “Mr. J” or simply “Charlie”. The class however found this well-intentioned remark somewhat condescending. “I don’t believe I have any trouble pronouncing Jones,” said one cynical youth. However, the real trouble began when “Charlie” took attendance. He first asked student Nomar Adams if he was related to Chicago Cubs shortstop Nomar Garciaparra, which was responded to with an unadulterated “no.”

He then made the mistake of asking student Miles Douglas, who was wearing an Indiana University t-shirt, if he was an Indiana fan. “I guess,” replied Douglas, with an obvious nonchalance. Jones then went on a friendly tangent. “I went down there last year to see a game with a buddy of mine. It was a great game. It went into O.T., but we had to leave in the middle of the third quarter because it was just freezing outside.” Although it was clear the student was uninterested, Jones didn’t seem deterred, and he went on with the attendance, going by last name to establish a rapport with the youngsters and keep things moving, and continually mispronouncing names as simple as Donaldson and Martin. The straw that broke the camel’s back however was when he inexplicably mispronounced the name Trevor Eaton as “Jeffrey Steinman.” Once corrected, an embarrassed Jones remarked “Oh, that’s an E.”

After the seemingly eternal attendance call finally ended, it was on to playing time. Although the class was midway through their basketball unit and was currently in the middle of playing actual games, the well-meaning teacher instead made them work on their passing skills, unconvincingly saying that it was what he was told to do. After cutely miscounting the number of people in the class upwards of ten times while attempting to count off by 2’s, he eventually let the kids pick their own partners. “Bounce pass, chest pass, baseball pass. Bounce pass, chest pass, baseball pass. Bounce pass, chest pass, baseball pass,” he repeated over and over again. There was no foreseeable end in sight. When asked why he was working the class so hard the teacher replied, “When life gives me lemons, I make lemonade.”

Despite this cliché having no correlation to the question whatsoever, Mr. Jones remained satisfied. “I think I’ve made a real difference,” he thought to himself. A difference indeed.

Popularity: 9% [?]

BY VLAD VILSENT

If there is one person whom I envy, any one person, it would have to be a great person. I’m pretty full of myself and therefore I think I rock already, so to envy someone, it is big news to me. But the person, well thing, whom I envy the most, is my old, senile dog. He rocks.

A Day In the Life Of My Old Senile Dog

5:24 AM Run into my room and roll on the ground growling. Perhaps he hates my carpet. He hates it so much, that he is will to sit there barking at it for twenty minutes, even when I throw my pillow at him. That is dedication.

5:44 AM While he’s in the neighborhood, he might has well use his front paws to drag himself across the ground outside my room to clean his backside. My vet says he is cleaning his anal glands. To much mucus there. Now that is good hygiene.

5:50 AM Sleep on back occasionally twitching hind leg.

7:06 AM my dad whistles to tell my dog it’s time to go out, and my half-deaf dog sleeps.

7:06:15 AM another whistle. Again, no response.

7:06:24 AM I throw my pillow at him to wake him

7:07 AM he walks around the block with my Father, Dr, His Honor, Dearest ®

7:30 AM he gets back from his walk and sleeps underneath the window sill where the heating vent is. As far as I can tell, he remains there until I get back from school.

4:20 PM he is let out to the backyard where he will bark at airplanes. My dog gets kinda ticked at things flying less then 30,000 feet above our house.

6:30 PM there are six people in my family. At dinner, all six of us feel a need to slip our dog table scraps. Free food. Also at dinner, it is a hobby for my dog to play, “Steal the Seat Of the Human That Gets Up.” He usually wins. To get seconds, one needs to barb-wire their chair.

6:53 PM he licks the crumbs off of the floor that my younger sister drops

6:55 PM he vomits the crumbs off of the floor that my younger sister drops

7:10 PM sleep on my homework as a way to say, “screw you, I’m old, but can still win”

7:12 PM I must lore my dog away from my French work by giving more food. He prefers dried salami as a lore.

7:14 PM throws up dried salami. Then, the boy who gave him the salami must clean it. Again, “screw you, I’m old, but can still win.” He is good.

7:15 PM drinks from the toilet to get rid of the bad taste of blown chunks (irony?)

7:16-10:00 PM he attempts to bite off his own tail until my dad leashes his for his last walk of the day.

10:30-5:24 he sleeps

Please, tell me this animal is not the greatest hero. He totally rocks. He probably gets about fifteen hours of sleep a day. He gets good exercise and is good to commitment. The best part is, he doesn’t take any guff from anybody (you dirty airplanes!). I think we can all say, it’s a dog’s life. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to bite my tail off.

Popularity: 4% [?]

By Vernon Zexis

SAN FRANCISCO—After numerous steroid allegations that have been placed upon San Francisco Giants’ left fielder Barry Bonds since the 2001 season, Major League Baseball today realized they had him all wrong. George Mitchell, head of baseball’s new steroid investigation, held a startling press conference today to announce that Barry Bonds had been taking a substance long-known to increase strength and body mass.

“I am pleased to announce today that the investigation has been a smashing success,” said Mitchell. “While we cannot prove that Barry Bonds has taken steroids, we’ve been able to prove that he has eaten spinach, also a performance-enhancing substance.”

These allegations stunned a bewildered Barry Bonds, who is now in fear of suspension.

Bonds, contrary to popular belief, will not be the first baseball player indicted on charges of spinach. Popeye McGuire, who played in the 1950s on the Reds, was a little known slugger who ate spinach like it was his job. He hit seven home runs a game for the first fifteen games until they figured him out and erased all of his numbers from the record books.

The public wonders now…does that same fate await Barry Bonds?

“I never knowingly ate spinach,” said Barry Bonds during a recent batting practice interview. “And even if I did eat spinach, I could name for you at least fifty other sluggers who have. So there.”

Whether or not Barry Bonds’ records will be thrown out remains in question.

“This is only the second time baseball has dealt with a legitimate spinach allegation,” said Bud Selig, commissioner of Major League Baseball. “There are too many determining factors that come along with spinach, whether the spinach was creamed or in full leaf form, etc., etc. We’d have to look at the eating habits of nearly all of baseball’s past heroes, including Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and the great Honus Wagner in order to give Barry Bonds’s records true weight.”

An aging Popeye McGuire offered his opinion on the recent spinach scandal to make sure the nation’s youth doesn’t get the wrong message. “Back in my day, I thought I could eat spinach till the cows came home and there would be no problems about that,” said Popeye. “Now that I’m a decrepit old man, I see the mistakes of my past. Spinach is only temporary, eating right and exercising are the only way to make not only your body but also your mind stronger as well.”

Only time will tell whether these spinach allegations tarnish the career of Bonds, but for now, they linger as just slightly more than hearsay.

Popularity: 1% [?]

By Dudley Tenfold

Former University of Miami Hurricane star tight end Kellen Winslow made his entry into the NFL with a bang. And by bang, we mean he broke his leg in many, many places sidelining him for the year, both physically and emotionally. The following year promised to be promising for the promising pigskin player. However, while Winslow was out promoting his “Miami Bad-Boy” image on his motorcycle, his season ended abruptly again. It is not that he was riding around on the highway and some crazy fan bombarded his bike with footballs, but he fell on his bike in the Cleveland Browns facility parking lot. A parking lot. Not off fighting African tigers, like a Miami Bad-Boy would do; in a parking lot.

At Winslow’s most recent press conference, an angry Browns’ fan expressed his anger. You may be wondering what a fan was doing at a press conference, but this is a satirical article, and that’s just the way things go. The fan snappily snapped at Winslow. “Hey Winslow. You’re about as weak as a piece of balsa wood. That is as weak as wood gets. You gonna be able to stay on your feet for the whole season or are you gonna hurt yourself in a horrible shuffleboard accident?”

Winslow responded by cradling himself into a ball and crying in a corner. He was quoted no more than 15 minutes after the incident. “It’s just plain mean. I mean, that guy’s just a bully. I hate bullies. I also hate tuna fish, but I hate bullies more. My emotional state has been suspended into oblivion.”

Team doctors concluded a week later that Winslow was far too injured to play in the 2006 season. Flipside reporters asked the doctor, Dr. Jabberwatt, if he knew that Winslow had been in the NFL for 3 seasons and was yet to play two games. Dr. Jabberwatt responded “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Popularity: 2% [?]