BY RONALD MCCORMICK

WASHINGTON—In the past couple of weeks the media has been flooded with Dick Cheney stories and Dick Cheney jokes and Dick Cheney cartoons, but they all have the story wrong.

In an interview given yesterday, the Vice President finally let the nation in on what really happened that fateful Saturday at Armstrong Ranch in Texas.

“Everything else I said before this was a lie… This was not an accident. I am not a crook. He was on my nerves. He was getting annoying. [Whittington] had it coming to him.”

We asked him if part of interview was taken from Richard Nixon, and he said no. Later he told sources that this was also a lie.

This incident once again brought up the integrity of our national government. With the recent I. Lewis Motor “Scooter” Libby, Jack Abramoff and Karl Rove scandals, the Cheney shooting is just another one to that list.

We asked President Bush if he was worried about the lack of honesty within his administration. He replied, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Later we found out he did not know he was being interviewed and he was speaking about his wife.

We asked Bush if he knew he had taken that line from former President Clinton and he replied in the negative. Later Dick Cheney told us that Bush was lying.

The Dick Cheney shooting was once again an example of why no one likes Dick Cheney.

However, in light of recent events, Cheney announced that he will not be seeking reelection as Vice President after this term.

When told that this wasn’t possible, Cheney replied that this also was a lie.

Popularity: 1% [?]

BY POLSTER HUE

DEERFIELD—With the coming of the second semester, there have been an increased number of cases of Senioritis throughout Deerfield High School and other local communities.

To help ease the problem before it becomes a pandemic, the FDA has announced that it will be releasing a drug made specifically for Senioritis.

“We’re not looking to make miracles, and we’re not hoping for any either,” said Andrew C. von Eschenbach, M.D., top official of the FDA. “Senioritis starts at the brain, and works its way down the body from there. We have to act fast.”

School officials are excited about what the new drug can offer.”By getting our seniors hooked on drugs with positive effects, we might not only be able to curve this Senioritis pandemic, but also be able to offer the medicine as a positive drug alternative.”

Not everyone though feels that the drug will have positive effects, “When I first heard about Senioritis, I thought it meant that we’d be getting a load of Spanish señoritas as foreign exchange students,” said local DHS Senior Tony Carson, “and as far as this so-called drug is concerned, I oppose anything that prevents foreign girls from giggling at my wisecracks by the cafeteria heaters.”

The side effects of the drug are unknown, but they may include sore throat, nausea, and a list of three hundred others. Be on the lookout for Senioritis, whose symptoms include not caring at all and sweaty palms.

Popularity: 1% [?]

BY RIOTO SUAVE

DEERFIELD—Just last week, Deerfield High School experienced severe rioting when its satirical newspaper failed to come out last month. Estimates say that around 500 students were found protesting violently in the bus lobby with posters and chanting.

Six students were injured in the protests and one student was arrested as well. According to the trainers, there were two broken legs and a pulled hamstring as well as a few minor ankle sprains and jammed thumbs.

We asked major rioters about their motives to protest. “What do you think I come to school for?” one rioter questioned. “Obviously I come to get my dose of humor from The Flipside newspaper.”

Other protesters agreed. “This school is nothing without The Flipside. This school could be in real trouble if they don’t come out with an issue this month.”

The boys basketball team even refused to play its game versus Glenbrook North when the paper did not come out. Some speculate it is because the team was afraid to play Glenbrook North, but sources close to the team revealed that it was due to the absence of the newspaper.

Local businesses around the community even felt the effect. For the next week, Potbelly’s refused to sell sandwiches and Whole Foods refused to sell anything organic.

The students have been recovering from the absence of last months issue and their doctors said they are in stable condition. Dr. Norm Cossax, the psychiatrist of the six injured students said he was sure they would recover once they got a good laugh from the next issue of The Flipside. He added on the side, “I’m excited for their next issue as well. I hear they are writing an article about Apolo Anton Ohno.” Oh no!

Popularity: 1% [?]

BY ANGEL GILMORE

NORTHFIELD, IL—The North Shore Jewish community was stunned in a recent announcement that Andrea Zorenstein, cantor at Temple Jerebethtikvah, has signed a $4 million recording contract with Sony Entertainment.

“I’m not really entirely sure how it happened,” commented a stunned Zorenstein. “I was leading the congregation in Ein Kehloheinu when suddenly a man stood up in the congregation and yelled ‘That’s PERFECT!’ I was so shocked I didn’t know whether to continue in services or just stop and run and hide.”

The man turned out to be talent scout and producer, Al Slickhair, who was looking for new artists to make labels with Sony.

“Yeah, I just ended up at Temple. Not really sure why. I’m not Jewish or anything,” said Slickhair, adjusting his Aviator sunglasses and smacking his gum loudly. “Luckily Andrea was singing. I heard it and thought, ‘Hey, she can do almost anything with that voice. And what she can’t do, the magic of Sony Studio’s Voice Re-Mixer can.’”

Zorenstein, whose album is due out mid-March, is glad it happened. “On the whole, I feel happy with my work. The cover song, which is the opening prayer before the reading of the Haftorah, came out particularly well.”

Consumers are especially excited for the album. Zorenstein’s congregants have expressed a fond desire to purchase the album, and the majority of the Jewish community certainly will as well. There are, however, differing opinions.

“I can’t believe that guy walked into THAT synagogue,” angry congregant of Temple Shalom Israel Shabbat Artie Hobsonklein said. “Our cantor is great too. How come SHE gets a label and OURS doesn’t?” He stomped off angrily during the interview and was unable to be located to complete the interview later. Had he stayed, however, we’re sure he would have said other things to the effect of what he just said.

Life as a newly found star is difficult for Zorenstein as well. “Yeah, Al and I have had our differences,” she commented. “He wanted me to shorten my name to just ‘The Z’ and dress in clothes he picked up at Toys R Us in the Barbie doll aisle. You think I’m making that up? I wish.” Zorenstein then pulled out a mini-mini skirt and mini-tube top. “He tried getting me to wear make-up from that aisle as well, but luckily it’s all actually plastic. I’m not sure he understands that, though.”

On the whole, Zorenstein is excited and ready for her album to be released. Tours begin in L.A. in March and will continue throughout May. “It’s a great line-up,” Slickhair said while applying freakishly large amounts of hair gel. “We’re hittin’ Chicago with a little ‘Aleph Bet Vet’ and turning around and slapping New York with a little ‘Rock of Israel.’ Trust me, you don’t wanna miss this.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

Thank you, thank you Casimir. Your Polish heroics and dastardly deeds have granted us a holiday to celebrate your undeniable greatness. Only you can do close to absolutely nothing and get us a day off of school. Wow!

What better way to celebrate in your honor than to take an entire school day to celebrate your war valiance? We’ll parade through the streets feasting on foreign food by the truckloads. Mostly polish sausages.

We’ll walk across the nation for you, Casimir. We feel it’s only fair after all the favors you did for us in the Revolutionary War.

You fought in the South and got us a day off in Illinois. Way to go!

If you wanted to know, you didn’t even make it into the United States History book (America Past and Present A.P. Edition). But we don’t care.

Our hearts will never falter, our loyalty will never cease. As I write for you, and only you, Mr. Pulaski, I can only think of the great Polish country that is Poland as I hum the Polish National Anthem sweetly from my soul.

I know how I will prepare for this spectacular day for mankind. I will bake a feast. I will make cookies in Pulaski shapes and I will make a salad that tastes like a salad would taste back then. It will be doused in French dressing representing the blood shed in the battles you fought.

When I wake up that fateful first Monday of March, I will swell up inside with both American and Polish pride.

I will cook a breakfast fit for a king and fit for the great Casimir Pulaski day.

I love you, dearest Casimir. I’m sure as you

fought for America’s freedom,

you were thinking of us students in the back of your mind getting a day off of school.

You fought for us.

Now we’ll sleep for you. God bless America.

Popularity: 1% [?]

BY RAZZLE D. FOLACKTIAN

As the snow falls at the command of gravity, one group of young athletes here at DHS will be training hard to fight gravity during the winter months. These hardened sportsmen of the Deerfield High School Foot-bagging team began daily practices last week and I was given the pleasure of sitting down and watching them.

I must say that I have been quite excited about this up and coming Xtreme sport since I watched my home country of Latvia take gold, silver, bronze, and iron in the Footbag competitions during the last summer Olympics. Even though they were the only country to compete since all other competitors had failed to pass their drug tests, it was still a great honor. While the footbag players at our school, or “Hack Bagger Boys” as they like to call themselves, may not yet be at the Olympic level, it is still quite a spectacle to see them practice.

I was introduced to all the members of the team; but for some reason, in case they need to get each other’s attention quickly while they hacky their sacks, they all have one syllable code names. There is Laser, the captain of the sackers. If I remember correctly, there was Toe Nail, Bag-Master, Pillowcase, Lord Dragon Xiuquoix and Bob.

I had arrived early enough to watch them put on their safety gear, which consisted of just a beanie cap, and in some cases, a poncho. They put on their radio headsets, which later just turned out to be iPods. And they began to practice.

While I myself am not an avid foot-bagger, I am sure that a professional could tell the difference between their practice drills. The time flew past as we laughed, cried, frowned, scowled, stared, giggled, sneezed, ate, slept, woke up, ate again and then washed our hands together.

The one image that really stuck with me was that of one of the sacks mid-flight bursting with color and small beans or pieces of plastic or whatever is in those things. Look for future announcements of Foot-bagging competitions in and around our school.

Popularity: 2% [?]

By Bosco Cheyenne

No wonder the holiday-season movies underperformed! I walked into the new Steven Spielberg film “Munich” expecting a “Miracle”-like feel good romp about Olympic athletes overcoming the adversity of being brutally massacred and coming back to win the gold. Boy was I wrong. The majority of the movie was just about a stupid Israeli agency tracking down stupid terrorists. Where’s the action I have come to expect from my Olympic themed movies? Why didn’t they include anything about basketball’s Dream Team or the numerous accomplishments of the U.S. Gymnastics Team? Where is the beautiful architecture that makes up the Olympic arenas? Why is there no detail on the awe-inspiring opening ceremonies? Is Mr. Spielberg too good for world unity? These are all flaws I cannot ignore. Honestly, there was about five minutes of Olympic content in the whole damn picture! As a sports fan, I personally do not care about one man’s struggle to have revenge on terrorists while maintaining his moral blah blah blah blah blah. Where are the water sports? Spielberg may be a terrific filmmaker, but he has not earned the right to place his own fictional spin on real life events. Stay away from this movie at all costs and watch a more historically accurate movie, like Spielberg’s summer blockbuster “War Of The Worlds.”

Popularity: 6% [?]

BY TASH HIPPORHOP

Cape Canaveral, Fla.—Last March, President Bush decided after viewing the film The High Cost of Low Price to send a lone astronaut, Buck O’Heehaw to Wal-Mart. Last Tuesday saw the laugh of the shuttle Rediscovery which has since been in orbit around the Wal-Mart. Reports of an unusually high mass have resulted in a stronger than normal gravitational field. To compensate, O’Heehaw was forced to dump a load of his Tang reserves into the big black nothing

Reports from the scout robot sent down two days ago to take soil and atmospheric readings have reported that Wal-Mart’s air, while highly acidic and smelly, can sustain human life. Although due to an abnormally high bacteria count, O’Heehaw will keep his suit on during his exploration

Cameras strapped onto the scout robot did record a few images of what appeared to be plastic skeletons holding up tattered rags with strange designs etched onto them.

Tonight at 1900 hours, O’Heehaw will be departing from his shuttle in a buggy to explore the lifeless shell scientists have nicknamed “The Parking Lot.” The United States wishes him luck.

Popularity: 1% [?]

The Story of James McGrozer in his Plight to Pointless Commercial Fame

Fletcher B. Sillet

LITTLE ROCK, AK-What started as a simple commercial campaign has become much larger than that. Mazda’s “Zoom Zoom Kid” a.k.a. “Zoomie” or “The Zoom Master” by his followers has created an uprising in America that critics have claimed akin to Big Boy and the Aflac duck.

“That kid is an inspiration. If anyone can become as famous and popular as he can for doing something so simple; it gives hope to all of us little people,” said Renee Kaplan, a Honda owner. “He is a source of entertainment and joy in our crazy and mixed up world.”

Another follower, Alex Webier had this to say: “He doesn’t want to make me buy a Mazda. Personally, I’d rather own a Jaguar or Rolls Royce. But seeing his face in those commercials can make my day every time.”

However, while some praise him, others are quick to point out his shortcomings. “He’s a scary looking kid! He just pops out in the middle of a commercial and whispers it with that ghastly look on his face!” said a freshman source who will remain anonymous for safety issues.

Several others agree. A national poll taken by the Department of Health shows that 37% of the population is scared of the Mazda boy, 42% praise him, and the other 99% say that they’ve never heard of or seen an opakapaka in their lifetime.

To his family and friends, the “Zoom Zoom Kid” is James McGrozer, an eleven-year-old kid from New Jersey. He prefers not to release any more information. “I love my work. But at the end of the day, I sometimes just want to be a kid, and I can’t do that if everyone is coming to my door and hassling me,” says McGrozer.

Other popular appearances include a square on Hollywood’s “Walk of Fame”, being used as a crossword puzzle clue, and occasional appearances on celebrity versions of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire!”

While McGrozer continues to appear in commercials, the emotion he has sparked amongst the American public will continue. Albeit, all little James wants is just to be happy. “If it’s by continuing to inspire people across the nation, then that’s what I’ll do.”

Popularity: 1% [?]

BY FERNANDO SMITH

DEERFIELD—Just last week in a press statement, local teen Jeff Stafman announced that he wants to play in the NBA when he gets older.

This came as shocking news to many members of the Deerfield community, but Stafman has it set. “I got this whole thing planned out. I figure if I start practicing five hours a day and lifting weights in the other nineteen there’s no way the Nuggets can turn this down.”

Stafman was a member this year of the sophomore boys basketball team whose record was barely .500. “They just gotta wait until I hit my growth spurt. Then we’ll be sick.” The 5’9” Stafman plans on being 6’10”, but he’s not banking on that part of his game.

“No one thinks I can do it. But I know I have it in me,” remarked Stafman. “It just takes some dedication. Plus, I really, really want to play in the NBA.”

Stafman’s impressive average of 1.3 points per game has attracted scouts from many different colleges and NBA teams. Duke, Ohio State and UCLA all have given Stafman offers. The Clippers, Heat and Bulls say they’ll all keep their eye on him as well.

After playing the 1-17 Antioch Sequoits, Stafman impressed many with his 3 points, 2 assists, 2 rebounds, and 2 turnovers. “When I first saw those stats, I thought this kid was a fluke,” said famous NBA coach Phil Jackson. “But after watching him play in person, I knew that Stafman was real deal.”

When asked about Stafman’s chances in the NBA, New York Knicks’ head coach Larry Brown said, “I’ve never seen a player be so active while sitting on the bench. And the effort he shows during the warm-up drills; we could use more of that on the next level.”

“It’s gonna happen,” says Stafman. “I’m gonna prove these naysayers wrong. You just watch, Deerfield.”

Popularity: 1% [?]