BY R. CUVERNSTALE

Happy Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day! Fruitcake, latkes, and Kwanza fruit are all abound. Today, December 17, is the day we celebrate nothing. It is truly the most wonderful time of the year. There is nothing that can be wrong or anything that can be disputed when nothing is being celebrated on this day of celebrating nothing.

Every family will start out each day by eating a breakfast made from nothing but tofu. Tofu eggs, bacon, and soy milk. Nothing sweet because that would represent goodness and if there is goodness, then there must be badness. Thus religion is implied.

The next tradition is the sharing of constructive criticism. It is started off by people sitting in a circle, shouting at others.

This day brings families together by forcing them to not leave their property line the entire day and not use the heater. Body warmth will bring everyone closer together in a literal and insightful way.

While shivering, the traditional Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day song will be sung:

We’re so happy to be here

I wish we could feel our toes

But for now we are happy

‘cause everyone knows

it’s Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day

it’s Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day

yay yay Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day

After the singing is over and the fire of burning material possessions has smoldered, there is free time. People can play in the snow (but not snowmen without snow-women). People can stare at things, also. It’s great fun.

The parade starts at the time one cannot tell the difference between purple and blue at night. People in the parade are wearing all black, as to not make anyone see them, and they carry incandescent flagpoles poles. There will be no flags to anger any bystanders. They are followed by people carrying large sacks full of pieces of paper, which they will crumple and throw at the audience to make sure they pay attention. The Shriners will be riding miniature non-denominational donkeys (donkeys are the nondenominational horse/mule). The band will be five people whose instruments do not have mouthpieces. For no mouthpieces means no music to offend anyone. The large balloons will be shaped like balloons.

As the sun just slinks below the horizon, rocks are given out. One rock will be handed out for each person. These rocks symbolize the middle road. They have no purpose but to inspire. Also at sunset, there is silent meditation for three hours, and then sleep.

Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day is celebrated every prime numbered year. Have a safe holiday and whatever you celebrate, celebrate it with people or can tolerate. Happy Whatever!

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For someone under as much pressure to succeed as Igor Duvanovic is, he’s a very calm person. Living with his mom in Luxembourg, Duvanovic, 24, shows a laid-back personality that can easily be noticed on the concert stage.

“He feel real easy play triangle,” said his mom, Kate, since Igor doesn’t speak any English.

However, his triangle playing did not start until much later.

In Von Vonanov Secondary School, Igor took a likeness to math, specifically geometry. In a few years, he became more intrigued with trigonometry, developing a lasting love with triangles. At that point, Igor began playing the triangle in band. He enjoyed its shape and sound. It’s here where he began getting his publicity.

He was scouted by conductors all over Europe in need of a triangle player. Eventually, Victor Vumcake, conductor of the Luxembourg Symphony Orchestra, selected Igor in the second round, 37th overall.

Igor’s was a back-up for his first three performances of his rookie season. He played a little big of bells and marimba, but he saw very limited action.

Then, on January 7th, 2004, the Luxembourg Symphony Orchestra’s fourth performance, veteran triangle player Freddy Brebeaux from France dislocated his shoulder during Mozart’s Symphony No. 224 in the fourth movement titled Andante. Vumcake motioned for Igor to come on stage, but he was there already.

“He came in immediately, showing great stage awareness,” said Vumcake. “He came in perfectly on the 3-and beat of measure 248, which was a 12/8 measure preceded by 4/4 measures. From then on, I knew he was really something special.”

Duvanovic was promised the starting position if he promised to work hard. Igor could usually be found in the audio room before and after team rehearsal, studying other triangle players. This is how he got to be the world’s best at such a young age.

“He always the first one to enter the practice stage and he’s the last one to leave,” said Vumcake. “He’s a great performer for our band chemistry.”

Even though Igor is a free agent at the end of this year, the chance that he will end up back in St. Petersburg is unlikely, since they were extremely close to not making the salary cap this year. Igor is expecting a premium salary of 145,000 €, and he’d have to take a massive pay cut to play in Russia.

“I don’t see how the ensemble can afford to let him go,” said Vumcake. “He’s definitely worth his weight in brass, and that’s a lot of brass. I know other conductors will be going after him in the off-season, but he’s staying right here.”

Last month, he testified in front of a European Union panel about his commitment to stop the widespread use of performance-enhancing supplements. He never denies an autograph to a fan who waits outside of his one-bedroom apartment. Igor Duvanovic is someone we could all learn a bit from.

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By Captain_Underscore

MENSA, Tennessee-At a recent MENSA Board of Directors Meeting, spokesperson Norman Scharzkopf announced that MENSA would be holding a charity drive for itself, in order to increase revenue after increased limitations on membership entrance.

“Time has not boded well for MENSA,” said Scharzkopf, “for many centuries we had been the most prominent league of geniuses. However, with recent hits to the economy, we’ve been forced to make increased cuts on our spending, which has meant a decrease in field trips and catering. In order to bring MENSA back into prominence, we will be holding a charity drive to remind people that ‘We’re still here, and we’re still smart’.”

This announcement didn’t come as a surprise to the members of MENSA.

“We always knew we were smart, but we figured that some of the dumber people around us may have forgotten.”

While the charity drive itself hasn’t stirred up much controversy, the slogan being used for the charity drive is forcing millions of above average people out onto the sidewalks in protest.

“So what if they’re smart,” shouted one protestor, “we all really know what’s behind this charity drive. They just don’t know how to throw a bake sale, and are just trying to cover it up.”

But Schwarzkopf’s has one thing to say for those denouncers, “as much as we are about fairness and equality in MENSA, it just so happens that very few people’s intellect are equal to our own.”

Whether or not the drive succeeds remains to be seen.

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BY JEFF VOLGENSPIEL

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Just yesterday, President George W. Bush nominated an elephant to fill the vacant spot in the Supreme Court left by Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.

When asked about how he chose this elephant over the many other qualified nominees he replied, “Well, this elephant might not have gone to Harvard, or let alone speak English, but he really knows what’s up.”

“This elephant lived in a zoo. He knows captivity first hand and will make sure that we secure the freedoms of our American people,” Bush continued.

Also regarding the position of the elephant, Bush revealed he is a big supporter of animal rights.

The democrats were very annoyed with Bush after this nomination.

“Can he be any more blatant? Out of all the animals, he picks an elephant! And they don’t even speak English!” was the cry of one democrat.

There was much criticism against this nomination, such as that it wasn’t a girl elephant, that it didn’t meet the requirements for a Supreme Court Justice, and that he would smell really bad, among other things.

Bush, as well as the rest of the Republican Party shrugged it off.

All Bush would say was, “I am confident that the Senate will approve this nomination.”

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BY U. V. Ells

Paris, France-After nearly two months of civil unrest and commotion in France, the riots that have plagued the country and its surrounding city-states have come to a halt due to Prime Minister Jacques Chirac’s overwhelming politeness.

“All he had to say was please” noted one rioter as he put out his blowtorch and tucked away his nunchucks. “I like to believe that I was properly raised as a child, and I believe that when someone displays good manners towards you, he deserves to receive the same display of manners from me. That is why from now on, me and my fellow rioters have decided to follow our gracious Prime Minister’s example, and bring these riots to a close.”

The Prime Minister’s good graces have set a precedent around the globe. Recent examples are the new Palestinian-Israeli agreement that “sharing is caring” and the American troops in Iraq promising to “clean up”.

Secretary-General of the United Nations Kofi Annan stated that the plan to say please did not just happen overnight. “It took several months of planning, through the use of several special interest committees. Strings had to be pulled to get this one through for Chirac. No one thinks of an idea as brilliant as they wake up in the morning, rather, it had to be strategically mapped out in order to strike the rioters where it would hurt them most.”

While the increase in manners for many of the world’s leaders, it has lead to minor pratfalls for a few. When the worldwide increase of the use of manners was mentioned at a recent White House press conference, President Bush replied, “I always told people honesty was the best policy, honestly. Thank you.”

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PROFESSOR JAHN

What was that garbage? The entire last issue was pompous and rude. I expect a cleaner brand of comedy. Pst.

When I picked up the first issue of the Flipside, I expected to be dumbfounded by whimsical articles. I was hoping to laugh so hard that I would start crying. However, such thrills of delight ceased to never happen. I was disappointed, wait no, I was frustrated, saddened by a newspaper that thought it was funny but actually wasn’t.

If I were to write my own version of the Flipside, it would be so much funnier. It would have had a big picture of a golden spatula on the front page with a single quote proclaiming, “For a grand ol’ time, check out the county fair.” That would have been really funny, because spatulas and county fairs have nothing to do with each other, and that sparks irony, among other things. I would have followed that up by leaving the inside pages of the newspaper blank because, “less is more,” and then would have ended with a last page of me in my red velvet robe and pipe with yet another solitary quote saying, “Cheeri-o”.

I write to you, members of the Flipside staff, demanding my money back.

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After much deliberation, the members of the Flipside staff would like to congratulate themselves on a job well done on the last issue. And they deserve it. Who had the bravery to put out such bold articles as “Professor Snape to teach AP Chemistry” or “Ok, Come on Teachers, What’s Up with all this Homework”? Who had the valor to include such vocabulary word as gung-ho and homeostasis? Who had the courage to provide thw world with fake news for real people, free everywhere, $2.30 in Canada? None other than The Flipside.

While some would call us pompous, we feel that it’s important to give credit where credit is due. And we deserve more credit than even we are willing to give ourselves.

Rarely does a newspaper reach a standard where they can afford to award themselves with gratitude. Some wait for many years, garnering prestige and grandeur along the way. We here at The Flipside would rather assume the glory now, and wait for the rest to come later.

Did you read some of the articles from last issue? They were just great! How about that “Rock Paper Scissors Tourney Turns Catastrophic.” Thats genius. That line with the referees really captured the essence of the whole era.

This paper was pure artistry. How savvy was that article about Dunkin Donuts. There is such beauty in them changing their name to be politically correct.

Can it really get much better than last issue?

Most would say: “No, no it can’t. That last issue was unbelievable.” But the asnwer is that it can.

Because this issue is even better!

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BY KLAUS VAN KLISCKO

A conspiracy this majestic has not hit the American public since the breakup of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. We’re very sorry, you’re both so pretty. But more importantly, universal fairy tale character, Prince Charming, was found getting snooty with a valet parking attendant in downtown Neverland. The valet parking attendant, Marcus Pan, brother of long-time Neverland native Peter Pan, said “Well, I was expecting someone of his reputation and stature to be, well, less ill-tempered. I mean, he was just mean.”

The young, blonde dreamboat was spotted yelling at a young valet, later identified to be Marcus Pan, because he did not know how to take the reins of a carriage pioneered by young foals. “I only know thoroughbreds,” Pan later responded.

Prince Charming, who had just gotten engaged to Sleeping Beauty, had apparently entered this state of brutality after overdosing on some of his fiancée’s insomnia medication. This is known to be true from an earlier scene. Beauty and Charming were spotted canoodling in a park when Charming shadily reached into Beauty’s purse, rifled through her belongings and pulled out her sleep medication (Copyright laws prevent us from listing them here). Symptoms of the medication include drowsiness, grouchiness, intense vomiting, heart failure, punctured lungs, mild to violent strokes, amnesia, severe respiratory problems, failure to conduct magical spells, flu, and hair loss. Charming was experiencing none of these at all. He was, however, just really, really mad. Upon further examination by the Neverland psychologist, Dr. Hook, it was found that Prince Charming was stricken with an aggressive, intense, and hot-headed personality.

Marcus Pan stated, “This was extremely disrespectful. To my co-worker, friends, and family of little people with pointy ears. There is no time for his crudeness in a job that demands perfection. I nor anyone I work with here will tolerate anymore of his sass. Next time this happens, I’m tranquilizing Sleeping Beauty.”

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BY HUGH OPENGARDENER

SANTA FE—In a recent press statement, Dr. Cornelius Suess, great nephew of the renowned author Dr. Suess, announced that consuming green eggs and ham together “is not what Atkins or Jared from Subway would advocate.”

The first point that was mentioned was that if the eggs were green, they most likely were not the best to be eaten. “Green eggs are either from a genetic mutation, or some cheap remake for Easter.”

Dr. Cornelius Suess, who is a doctor of nutrition, said that it really hurts him to go against his uncle’s book.

“Honestly, I’m not trying to give him a bad rap, but I’m just looking out for the community.”

He still very much advocates the possession of “cats in hats” and “going places” as well as making up words.

“I still ganarfle all the time, don’t worry.”

When asked the motivation to spearhead the research, he said it was sparked by the constant appearance of green eggs and ham at local Chipotle and Denny’s restaurants.

The FDA has decided that green eggs will be taken off the market, but the black market of green eggs and ham selling will indubitably continue.

“I’m gonna get my green eggs and ham one way or another,” said protestor Rex Fronk. “If they take ‘em off the market, well go back to getting them just like we did during the Vietnam War.”

The removal of green eggs and ham was approved indirectly by the local Rabbi Gordon Stein: “Either way, green eggs and ham are not kosher, so let bygones be bygones.”

As for now, bygones will be bygones, but the green eggs and ham debate will rage on.

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BY W. PERRY CRENSHAW

I’ve had enough, I’m getting fogging tired of the FCC or should I say “Freaking Coward Commission”. That’s right, I said it. Everyone farkin telling me what I can and can not say, I know exactly what I farkin can and can not say. I’m a motherfaxing revolutionary; no one is going to hold me back but myself, and only myself.

Now I know some of you are saying Perry, you have a lot of great stuff to say, why would you do that to yourself? And my answer to them is, I forging can’t stand it when people put restrictions on my writing. I am in control of my own frankin destiny.

If I don’t want to say c********************, then I am not going to say c********************. Let me tell you something man, anyone who has something to say in this world will be shipkicked by the government, but I’m not going to let that happen to me because of two little things called discipline and my absolute fluffing hatred of uncensored profanity.

But there is no denying that I get my darn point across, and there is no one on this planet, not even FCC chairman “Michael Foul” that is going to have to tell me that I have to say darn. Because you know what, I already flunking know it.

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