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I Can’t Believe I Have to Poop in School
There are just so many crappy options. All the bathrooms both literally and metaphorically stink. I would like to drop a deuce in D Hall, but there is this brown…
Pregnant Woman Mysteriously Abandons Students
Chicago IL- A startling trend has spread across Deerfield High School. Many women, all teachers, had grown increasingly large bellies as the year progressed, culminating in their sudden disappearance. This…
New Obnoxious Bells Designed to Get Seniors Out Faster, Among Other Things
DEERFIELD, IL—With only about one quarter left, Deerfield High School’s evil overlords decided to replace the bells with a new sound called “death bomb warning.” Besides the simple joy teachers…
Cat Trainer in Rehab for Catnip Addiction
By Picov Andropov Senior News Correspondent CHICAGO, IL – One of the areas leading cat trainers, Scott Tender, checked himself into rehab late last night for an addiction all too…
The Bracket Is Out: Who Will Get Taken To School?
Bracket Analysis By John Shineman It’s that time of year again. You guessed it. It’s time to fill out those teacher tournament brackets. After many grueling hours inside their sweatshop,…