SAN JOSE, CA—Although the kids that this article affects, those with Attention Deficit Disorder, will not be able to focus long enough to read this 200 word article, they are at risk to waste the precious extra time given to them in order to compensate their inability to stop looking out the window.

When asked about what he thinks about extended time, a well known spaz who has been diagnosed with ADD said, “I think extending time is great because, Oh look! There is a bug!”

Some ADD experts, commonly known adderts, do not see the point of extended time. According to Dr. Goldensteinberg, “All the kids with ADD do with their extended time is zone out more. The real solution would be to make a test where every question has nothing to do with the last one, each covering a completely new subject.”

Yet, many feel this would not be fair to the rest of us because we are able to read multiple sentences without thinking about kites or giraffes or balloons. Although there is no solution that both sides can agree upon, at least we can all agree that it impossible for anyone to focus completely for one hour straight because school gets so darn boring sometimes.

DEERFIELD, IL—Yesterday, an independent research study was released by the Institute for Psychological Orders and Disorders stating that an overwhelming percentage of the Deerfield High School community had Self-Diagnosed ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). This was a shock to the Deerfield community, and the Board of Trustees saw this as a call to action.

“I think this problem went under the radar for a while,” says a prominent Deerfield psychology teacher. “There were many cases to be diagnosed, and the medical community just wasn’t on top of it. It’s a good thing these students and teachers had some initiative to diagnose themselves.”

Many do not have the same optimistic tone about the issue. Several members of the administration see this as a potential scapegoat for test scores that, even though are some of the best in the country, could still bee better.

“Well, when you have ADD, your attention span just isn’t that great,” commented one administrator. “I think it is this shortened attention span that has led to the decreased focus during study halls and examinations, as well as the inflated price on pizza sales.”

Students have seen the problem in a very different light. “I found myself daydreaming in Chemistry last Wednesday,” said a jumpy Sophomore girl, “and that was when I realized I had ADD.” Her mom was ecstatic that now she could be prescribed more drugs that she probably didn’t need to solve the problem she probably didn’t have.

Deerfield physician Dr. Robert E Veland said that he has seen trends like this come and go. “I think this is just one of those cases of over-diagnoses, so that those drug companies can rake in the big bucks. These kids don’t know what they’re talking about; they can hardly diagnose themselves without a proper Ph.D.”

Only time will tell how this will turn up, but hey, stop that, no you can’t do that now it’s almost time for me to go fishing.

“Yeah, after the word ‘found’ it was really impossible for me not to pay attention to the bright colors on the Earthworks banner. Are you in Earthworks?”

Jud’s friends said that it was impossible to notice his ADD, except for the few times when he started doing jumping jacks at lunch just to relieve his boredom.

The next article, by the way, is very good and entertaining, so I suggest that if you too have made it this far, that you move on to the next one.

2. It is time to do your homework. The first thing you do is…
A. Get prepared for an intense study session by turning on tribal music.
D. Make sure your Internet connection is working so you have access to SparkNotes.
D. Run around the house to expel your extra energy.

3. Now it is really time to do your homework. You start off by…
A. Going on your Facebook account to see if you have any Zombie invitations.
D. Complaining to someone about it

D. Doing bits and pieces while intermittently checking Wikipedia

4. You find yourself in the deans office. You are there because…
A. You cemented your friend’s locker shut, again.
D. You are somehow involved in a pyramid scheme involving you, the janitors, and your crazy obsession for Diet Coke.
D. You have doodled your initials and your name on every desk in the school in a cruel act of vandalism. Well, you must have just been bored.

5. Because of the trouble you have caused in question 4, you are sentenced to a Saturday detention. You will spend those six hours by…

A. Reading. You have to become cultured.

D. Staring blankly at your nails. That is for the first hour. Then after you draw crazy designs you will be staring at your now covered nails.

D. Getting up every seven to ten minutes to go to the bathroom. There is no way you are sitting in that room for six hours straight!

6. It is time to go grocery shopping. Your favorite aisle is…

A. The cereal aisle. You believe in a diet based on wheat and grains.

D. The freezer area. You believe in a diet based on protein.

D. The potato chips section, no, the cookie section, no the soft drink area, no the processed chesses area….

7. When you watch TV, you find your style of channel changing is…

A. Calm and in control. You spend at least one minute analyzing the channel before switching.

D. Careless. You will stay on one channel no matter what, just to prove endurance.

D. Crazy. You have already seen every channel before the TV even is fully turned on.

8. Have you made it to question 8?

A. Yes.

D. No.

D. No.

Mostly As: Test results show negative. You’re not pregnant, and you don’t have ADD. But I really am surprised you answered yes to some of those questions….
Mostly Ds: There are two Ds in ADD. You’ve got it, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.