NEW YORK—After several weeks of picketing, the readers strike has brought the publishing and print media industries to a halt. Readers all around the globe have “stopped reading altogether and indefinitely” until their demands are met.

“Readers nowadays are no easy crowd to please,” said Professor of Literature at Cornell, Dr. Walt Vandelay. “They want everything to be just so, and I’m afraid that’s just not the way it is.”

Readers have different reasons for striking. Some say that too many of their favorite authors sold out, while others say that reading got to be “too much of a time-eater.”

“Readers have told the publishing companies what they want,” said Tribune Co. President Howard Lungston. “They want shorter pieces that are more accessible and require less thinking.”

Among the fifteen demands made by Readers laid out in a documentary are that they want, “Shorter Words” and “Better Plots,” not to mention, “Bigger Font” and “More Italics.”

“These are not the same readers that Shakespeare had,” says Vandelay. “It is truly difficult to admit this, but tastes have changed.”

CHICAGO, IL – St. Nicholas wasn’t his jolly self this Christmas, as he found himself the victim of a speed trap. At about 3:30 a.m., Chicago Police pulled over the red suited gift giver near Lake Shore Dr. and Monroe. “The owner of a 1245 red slay convertible, with landing gear attachment standard, was clocked at 1,498 mph and arrested soon after. The suspect exceeded the speed limit by 1,468 mph. According to Illinois state law, driving at more than 20 mph over the speed limit is a felony. His case will likely be tried as a superfelony due to such excessive speeds,” said one police spokesperson in a press conference last week.

There are other charges pending against Mr. Clause. Trying to excuse himself from the ticket, Santa told the officer that he had “special gifts to deliver.” The officer then searched the slay for illicit material.

Many children were disappointed at the lack of gifts under their tree. Santa works from east to west (benefit of time zones), so no gifts were delivered west of Chicago. One 7-year-old boy from Los Angeles told The Flipside, “It’s a good day to be Jewish!”

As for the reindeer, they were impounded. Whether to a car lot or animal shelter is unknown at this hour. Perhaps next year, Santa can have his elves install radar detectors on his dashboard.

Dear Mr. Motzko,
One of my friends recently asked me a somewhat troubling question. It was a ‘would you rather’ question. It was so astonishing, that after they asked me, I passed out in a state of wild confusion. “Would you rather go to the moon with only a toothpick and a Snapple or mooch your way through Ancient Romania with only a bandanna and a Sprite?” How would you have handled this?
Sincerely,
I Would Rather Not Relate the Rest of This Story

Hello Dali!

Dude, shut off the gas because there’s obviously a leak in your house. Something has apparently gone and befouled your stream of consciousness and now this Lorax is pounding on your door. Is this some kind of trick question akin to “Who is buried in Grant’s Tomb?” because I’m here to tell you that the estate of Cary Grant was not amused at all with my attempt to figure that one out. Some people have no sense of wonder.

As it is currently 75% off the holiday season and priced to move, I’m going to go easy on you. While I give your question a 3 for danceability, it gets an 8 for originality. Usually the tired inquiries that accumulate in my inbox like so much literary guano are as worn out as the grooves on my 1971 copy of Grand Funk Railroad’s “E Pluribus Funk”. Have I become so jaded in my ivory tower (which already violates at least 14 Deerfield zoning ordinances) that I no longer remember that somewhere somebody lies awake needing to know how many pancakes it takes to shingle a doghouse? Four, gentle reader, assuming they have no bones.

So back to your original question; if I had to go to the moon, it would be lashed to the hood of a monkey-dung brown ‘74 El Camino captained by the ghost of Evel Knievel, his disembodied hand jamming a gearshift made from the shrunken head of Bob Saget.

Does anybody have the phone number for NASA? They owe me large.

Rest assured that the next five months or so will be filled with more of that School Chest spirit. Within about five months, mathematicians estimate that School Chest will have raised $480,000 after it’s all said and done.