In this project, kids who have already bought all the silly things they need and don’t need will get another chance to get some more stuff.

“It’s so nice that they like started this like event right before the holiday season,” says one overprivileged junior. “I like that they are giving back, and like just in time for me to buy a new Coach purse.”

“You know with charity, it’s the underprivileged children who get all of the attention, and we really just leave those overprivilged in the dust,” says the program’s sponsor. “They want to buy more things too.”

When asked what they plan to get at the mall, the overprivileged children responded with various answers. “I plan to get a better digital camera,” said one girl. “My old one is just out of style.”

“I just want Starbucks,” said one overprivelged couple. “I love my triple Venti nonfat half-caff soy latte, and I haven’t had one for like two days!”

DEERFIELD, IL – The tremendous six inches of snowfall last Wednesday was enough to cancel school at DHS and HPHS, but it did not stop the members of School Chest from trying to take our/raise (circle one) money. Over ninety percent of its members arrived at school despite the computerized phone call at 5:31 telling them that school was closed. “We already preordered like forty pizzas to be delivered from Il Forno’s,” said the School Chest spokesperson. “It’s not an option not to try to sell them just because of some snow. We have a duty here and we intended to fulfill that duty.”

With no students to consume the pizza and the various fruit juices and overpriced coffees, School Chest executives executed plan B. Nearly half of the student body received phone calls from DHS which solicited pizza sales. “As if it’s not enough that they are constantly all up in my grill. But now they be callin’ at my house…for pizza…pizza which I couldn’t even eat…because I’m lactose-intolerant…that’s low man,” said one DHS Senior.

Despite its efforts, School Chest sold nothing. Mr. Stevens, head of the DHS Business Department, explained the consequences of School Chest’s actions: “When there is no way to reach your target market, you can’t sell anything. And when you can’t sell anything, you can’t make money. That’s what business is all about…money.”

Actually, it is projected that when the school receives its monthly statement, School Chest will have actually lost money on the Snow Day, $1543.23 to be exact. To compensate for the deficit on last week’s Snow Day, iFlurtz will be raising its price to $40 per person. If this fails, School Chest will lobby for school to continue a day into the scheduled winter break. I mean we just have to make more money than last year. We just have to. What will people think of us if we don’t?

Dear Mr. Motzko,
My sister just got tickets to go see the circus and my parents are making me go. This is unfortunate, considering I have a fatal allergy to cotton candy and a deathly phobia of clowns and tight-rope walkers. The circus is tomorrow, and if I don’t figure out what to do soon, I may be dead. I need your help.
Desperately,
Circus Fearing Man

I’m way ahead of you on this one, bro. Treat this situation with the fear and reservation reserved for Montezuma’s Revenge, Hannah Montana karaoke covers and a night out with Mike Tyson. I’ve never been down with the clown. You can’t spell “sinister government plot” without “circus” (although spelling is not my strong suit-thank you Maplewood Elementary!). When the Night of the Rope is upon us, it will come courtesy of Mssrs Barnum and Bailey. While I appreciate a tastefully done freak show just as much as anyone, isn’t getting us all together under the “big top” just another term for soul-crushing group-think? Think about it; there’s one guy in charge, yelling at you about “fun” with a megaphone. The very words “carnival barker” carry a hidden meaning meant to influence our thinking about the upcoming election: Evil Barrack Ran. You think that’s just a coincidence? I haven’t encountered such subliminal messaging since I stopped listening to Judas Priest records. Fall out with the rainbow fright wig crowd and you’re bound for a date with the dunk tank. Down in Gitmo they call that waterboarding. Attach a hundred trapeze artists to black helicopters and you’ve got one unstoppable invasion force.

If Al Gore gets his way, we will all be driving tiny cars.

“I met her at a baby shower, and I guess we just hit it off from there!” These were the words of Harry McNeil, a sophomore at Deerfield High. It was at that shower that he met his current girlfriend, Olivia Hartnett. That was a few months ago, and they have been going strong ever since.

These days, high school boys are starting to go for younger and younger girls, and this is the perfect example: Olivia is just eleven months old. “I just couldn’t take my eyes off her; she just looked so pretty at her shower! Age just really isn’t an issue between us. I mean when its true love you get over those kinds of things. The way I look at it when I’m 85 she’ll be 72 and that’s like nothing.”

Olivia declined to comment, as she has yet to say her first word. However, when asked if that affected their relationship, Harry replied, “Nah, she is really emotional and I feel like that’s our main way of communicating.” He added that they have had some great times together, explaining how last Saturday he spent the day with her at daycare.

McNeil is a step above the rest, but his best friend, also a sophomore, found the fifth-grader of his dreams last weekend at his sister’s DARE graduation concert.