By Flagstaff Roberts

DEERFIELD, IL—After the Fall Fine Arts Assembly and the Benefit Concerts, there have been a surge of recent complaints about the unjust perpetuation of religions inequality within the Deerfield community. A spectator observed, “Those hats—they’re just always there, and I just don’t like them.”

In the wake of controversy, several key sopranos refused to sing “Jingle Bells,” the “Jingle Bell Rock,” and “Eight Little Reindeer,” only singing traditional Jewish songs such as “Hava Nagila” and “Sing We of Hanukkah.”

Christian members of the singing group who did not think innocent songs such as “Jingle Bells” presented any problems were accused of having a religious bias.

As the issue escalated, the Jewish Choralier members declared an all out strike, which greatly affected the holiday spirit.

Stalemate sidelined Choraliers until recently. In an ingenious political compromise, it was agreed that the Choraliers would sport kipot (or yarmulkes, the traditional Jewish head-covering) under their famous Santa hats so that they could unveil them during Hanukkah songs in a dramatic change of costume.

Several members were interviewed on the effects of the clothing mandate. Sophomore member of Choraliers Laney Keeshin was ecstatic at the new change. “I think it’s good that we are promoting religious tolerance. We did have a disproportionate number of Christmas songs.” She questions, however, “If this spirit continues, how will we ever balance Kwanzaa hats on top of the Santa ones?” Difficult questions for difficult times.

Atheists are still unsure about the incident; they all favor no headwear at all. But as long as the controversy continues, you need not worry—“Fruitcake” is pretty neutral.

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By Sammy Bolck

EXHIBITION GYM, DHS—The boy’s basketball team scored a surprising victory yesterday and is catching fire after their intense 23-21 victory over themselves. In practice, the red penny team pulled off the unlikely victory over the gray team, leading to the first taste of victory for the varsity team.

“I really thought we were not going to win a game this season,” said one of the coaches. “I’m impressed that we came out of that scrimmage with a victory.”

The basketball team is 0-13 in non-practice game, but sports an impressive .500 record in inter squad scrimmages. According to 6′1 center Max Angle, “They say that the only way good teams lose is when they beat themselves. Well I think [after our inter squad game] we have proven that we are a good team since we were able to beat ourselves.”

“It was a tough victory,” said Hank Paldacci, one of the forwards. “I thought it was going to be a tie and nobody would win. But eventually the red team stuck it out and won.”

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ASK MR. MOTZKO

Dear Mr. Motzko-
It is almost time for winter break, and I am getting very excited. My parents said that we are going to go out of town for the vacation, and they said that it is up to me where we can go. They said all I needed to do was pick five places and put them in a hat, and they would choose one. I don’t know where to go, because there are just so many great places, like New York City and Buffalo Grove, IL. What do you suggest?
Wants Help for Winter Vacation

The irony that pervades this question is as thick as prison gravy. My recent absence from the Flipside can be attributed to my recent travels to my fave vacation spots. No fan of Walt’s anthropomorphic rat am I. Frankly, I’d sign myself up for a single, smoking room at Guantanamo before I’d open my wallet to the winds of Orlando. While my usual vacations revolve around genuflection at the varied sequined shrines of Graceland, Dollywood and Twitty City, I’m going to let you in on five more of my favorite vacation destinations (a $2.37 value!).

1. Why drop the serious coin of Six Flags Over Gurnee when you can economize at Two Flags Over Des Moines?
2. The George Rogers Clark Memorial in Vincennes, Indiana. My parents took me there for Spring Break. If I had to do it, so do you.
3. The Buford Pusser Museum (342 Pusser Street, Adamsville, TN). A memorial to a man who was shot 8 times, stabbed seven times and successfully fought six men simultaneously on his way to a world record of smashing 87 whiskey stills in 1965. IMHO (or IHOP), any man who can jump on the hood of a car, smash through the window and subdue the driver should get their own memorial. Take THAT George Rogers Clark!
4. The corpora quadrigemina. To access this inner region of your brain, stick your head between two stereo speakers, one playing Jimi Hendrix’s “In 1983, A Merman I Shall Be…” and the other playing Cream’s “Tales Of Brave Ulysses”. Either that, or turn left off of Telegraph then right on Rago.
5. Eastern Montana during the Late Cretaceous. Do not step off the path. Repeat. Do not step off the path.

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By The Flipside Elf

Help me! I am trapped here, inside this Flipside sweatshop, and they keep forcing me to come up with witty puns and pathetic jokes for hours on end.

They feed me only minimal amounts of food and keep me in a two by two foot cage and force me to make bad puns to acquiesce their leader.

Last week, I was not allowed to brush my teeth until I came up with a pun for the jumble: Why was the dog a long shot? He was far-fetched.

I cannot keep at this for the rest of my life. I need you, readers of the Flipside, to come rescue me. I want to return to my life before the Flipside; my life of reading, frolicking, and making sure my garden was in order. Save me, help, help….

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