By Picov Andropov

WHEELING, IL – Bernardo Johnson, intern of Midland Paper, was honored today for the Intern of the Year Award. Johnson, a 39-year-old graduate of the University of North Dakota, has been working for Midland for 14 years. This is the first award for Bernardo, as his recent purchase of a Swingline 3-Hole punch has allowed for the company’s stock status reports to be processed three times faster.

An over joyous Johnson told The Flipside, “Maybe they’ll finally hire me. I haven’t paid my taxes since Reagan was in office. This is the best $10.70 I’ve ever spent!” Johnson’s single hole puncher will be donated to charity.

“I was inspired by my great godfather, Roland Wernoff, who invented the automatic paper shredder. Back in the 1920s in the height of identity fraud in the United States, he used to tear up papers, one by one, with only his bare hands and a lot of motivation. I used to be like him too, doing punches one at a time. But that it to be no more.”

Many other interns hope to follow in the footsteps of our dear Bernado, and it is most likely that someone more qualified, and with more 3-hole punching experience, is likely to replace him.

President of Midland, Theodore C. X. P. D. Midland, told us that he no longer intends to keep Bernardo. “Uh, yeah, we just don’t need his, uh, services anymore at corporate. Now that we have that 3-hole puncher, we may consider sending him to one of our distribution centers in Normal, IL.”

The company does not plan to inform Johnson of his termination. Rather, they believe he’ll get the hint when they take away his gold paper clip trophy, which he received late last night.

Perhaps Bernardo, and Midland, could have used a Staples Easy Button a long time ago, but even that could not have stimulated productivity like the purchase of the 3-Hole punch.

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By Izzie Olonono

CLEVELAND, OH – In what turned into be a catastrophic event of confusion, the Baltimore Ravens chose the wrong game to wear their Browns throwback jerseys.

Last Sunday, the Ravens chose to go “old school” by bringing back the jersey from the team’s prior location in Cleveland with their prior mascot of the Browns.

“I think was this just a miscommunication,” said Baltimore Ravens Fashion Coordinator Joe Yulai. “We wanted to go vintage because vintage is in, and we forgot to think about how we were the same mascot and colors as our opposition. Oops!”

Cleveland Browns fans expressed their displeasure with the goof-up. “I was just watching the game on my plain old HDTV it was just on big mass of brown and orange and I couldn’t tell left from right or Brown from Raven. I think my team won, but in these conditions, you can never be sure.”

“To me it just looked like Browns versus Browns, so it was like double the fun,” said Browns head coach Romeo Crennel. “All I know is that it wasn’t our fault.”

The Baltimore Ravens have apologized, and promised the league that if they ever wanted to go vintage again, it would be against another team.

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HIGHLAND PARK, IL– After many years of grueling practices and hard work, the athletic teams from District 113 demonstrated great sportsmanship this past week.

After a great season, girls tennis won and lost with winning attitudes. Boys football always went at it as hard as they could go. “We just lay it all out on the line, win or lose,” said star player Greg Smith. “We are a team.”

Similar sentiments are echoed by the wrestling and basketball teams. “From the way these boys have been practicing, we know that they are learning lessons beyond sports.”

At Highland Park, the gymnastics team has said that it is great to see the usual rivals working together with great work ethic.

Volleyball and baseball coaches say that they look forward to seasons of fabulous sportsmanship as well. It has been and will continue to be a season of winning attitudes in District 113.

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