DEERFIELD, IL – The last time Deerfield used the term diversity was forty years ago, when half the town had an Afro and the other half had two (that’s right two) television sets. Times have changed since then and Deerfield has experienced a time of conformity and continuity. Diversity has, however, reappeared in the unlikely place of DHS.

Administrators have introduced the student body to gray lunch trays. Students now have a choice of either red or gray trays on which to place their lunches. With this ability comes great responsibility, says one teacher, “The trays are meant to provide students with a different view, one that brings forth new cultural and social ideals that cannot be taken lightly.”

“One day, the gray trays just appeared,” explains one DHS senior, “each lunch table had gray and red trays. I couldn’t believe I would ever see the day!” The very idea of red trays and gray trays sitting together has caused some controversy amongst Deerfield’s senior citizens. “I hate gray trays! Just let me eat my rice pudding in peace,” said one man.

A problem exists in this desegregation. Many teachers, most of whom work in Q-hall, believe that the school will become violently divided on which tray is best. Preliminary polls show that gray trays are the most durable, but red trays seem less disgusting.

To avoid such a problem, the school should implement the use of a third colorless tray. Accepting the colorless tray will allow students to separate themselves from tray color barriers.

One would think that red and gray trays were chosen because they are the school’s colors. Actually, red and gray trays always sell for the most on eBay.

DEERFIELD, IL—After hundreds of years of respecting our armed forces with a day off of school, Deerfield High School has put an end to this honorary practice.

“I just think DHS hates veterans,” said one freshman, who had never experienced a DHS day off for Veteran’s Day.

Others were quick to point out that the veterans did get a set-up in the Student Union. However, others were quick to tell them that most people didn’t know that and that it is not nearly as good as getting an entire day.

“This is outrageous,” said Gus Wendelson, veteran of the Korean War. “We give all of these individuals days, like Casimir Pulaski and George Washington, while they would be covered under one all-encompassing Veteran’s Day. It is a travesty that the schools cannot honor us with just one day. I’m just asking for one day…”

The school had mixed reactions about the new practice.

Said a still angry and hostile Wendelson: “All I know is that if you were a veteran, you would want your day.”