And the Other Newest Gifts for This Holiday Season

New Apple Product Really Sucks

This year’s Holiday Season is incomplete without the newest Apple product, The iSuck. How often has one vacuumed the floor to the monotonous white noise of a rowdy electric engine? Now, people everywhere can have four days of songs and videos right on their dust-buster! Because heaven knows, the average person spends almost three quarters of their lives making a mess. Apple has never made a product that is this bad and poorly engineered. Steve Jobs says about the new iSuck, “This product sucks so much…The world has never seen anything like it.”

Seven-in-One’s Now Available!

Sick of only have six functions on your Book-Store-Bought trinket? Well now, the new Ford Seven-in-One has the original six functions, plus, now it can be thrown a distance of 16-feet! This new aerodynamic type tool can hit that annoying kid across the room and you can be the hero!

(results may vary.)

Sodexho Gift Cards

Can’t find that gift for your special someone? These colorful cards are perfect for you! For relatives and friends of all ages, these cards are valid in every public school and prison in the state of Illinois. Give it to the kid who always pays in cash and messes the line, or give it to grandma to use at “The Home.”

Comes in:

$5.00 (a Gatorade)

$10.00 (a single Bosco Stick or HoHo)

$25.00 (a sandwich or slice of pizza)

$100.00 (pasta)

Popularity: 1% [?]

ASK MR MOTZKO

#16

Dear Mr. Motzko,
I have been doing so many different things lately that I just keep running out of time. I need to clean my room and do my homework and watch all of the reruns of Family Guy and after that, I barely even have time to eat. I need to make more time. What do you suggest?
Time-less in Toronto

Dear TinT
I too have felt the bony hand of Kronos as he has furrowed my apple cheeks until they resembled a topographical map of Nevada. We are all slaves to the circular master and resistance is futile (although stylish, especially when accompanied with a beret and mustache). It sounds like your issue here is not one of time management, but of productivity. To be honest, you sound about as productive as a Liger farm. The best solution here is to get your natural circadian rhythms in line with nature. As such, I am recommending that you align yourself with a friendly brood of cicadas and take a 17 year nap, nourishing yourself on the fluids in tree roots. If that is not a recipe for extra time nor a recipe for success, all I have left is to offer this recipe taken from the parking lots of many a Grateful Dead concert. According to “Cooking With the Dead” (Elizabeth Zipern 1995), one can make a tasty, yet nutritious snack of Karma Korn by mixing 1/2 cup raw popcorn, olive oil, tamari, yeast extract, dill weed, cayenne pepper and garlic powder. Pop the corn in a wok, then roll the kernals in a mixture of the oil and spices. Put on Nassau Coliseum 5/9/81.

Popularity: 8% [?]

By Jordy Gullepto

LINCOLNSHIRE, IL—Last Sunday morning, between the hours of 1:45 and 1:04 AM, five teenagers from the nearby high school Stevenson were arrested for violation of curfew.

This came at the midst of Daylight Savings Time, when around the country we turned back our clocks at 2:00AM on November 4th, gaining an entire hour, in efforts to promote energy efficiency.

The teenagers were very urgent to protest the curfew violation. “Dude, it was Daylight Savings Time, how was I supposed to know what time it was?” asked an ignorant minor whose age saved his good name from being ruined in the Flipside.

“I thought Daylight Savings Time meant that curfew was extended for two hours,” reported one of the innocent looking girls, Lola Felandarama, who was also arrested.

“We do acknowledge that Daylight Savings Time is a confusing period for all of us,” stated Judge Rudy Sennison at the trial. “However, this does not mean that it’s ok for you to just be waltzing around the plaza causing a hullabaloo at the break of dawn.”

“I am very disappointed in them,” said the parents of one of the arrested teenagers, “But I do want to say that its pretty impressive that they were arrested and went back in time.”

Popularity: 1% [?]

By Picov Andropov

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After Al Gore’s comments regarding obesity in children, the USDA has decided to reformat its approach to a healthy diet. Effective immediately, a Food Rhombus will take the place of the outdated Food Pyramid.

“The pyramid is out of style with today’s youth,” says one USDA spokesperson. “Studies show that the triangular shape is yesterday’s square. No one cares for that equilateral t-r-i-angle. Everyone loves a good equilateral q-u-a-d-rilateral.”

It’s obvious why kids would pay more attention to a rhombus. The kite like figure provides an image of joy, whereas a triangle only brings…well…triangular things to mind. Hopefully, kids will start paying attention to the food servings necessary in a healthy diet. All five of them should be consumed…or is it six…this darn triangle is just too confusing…

Popularity: 1% [?]

Popularity: 2% [?]