Popularity: 2% [?]

Melvin Schwarzengoggle

All of X-Hall was captivated yesterday on Halloween as DHS Sophomore Ziggy Jenkins was confronted by deans and security guards after 2nd period due to his inappropriate costume.

Ziggy had dressed as himself for Halloween, wearing a boring grey shirt with a white undershirt and a pair of baggy jeans. DHS staff promptly informed Ziggy that his costume choice was irresponsible and inappropriate because of how it depicted and offended an individual.

“Mr. Jenkins clearly made a bad choice in terms of his dress for Halloween,” a dean told The Flipside after the altercation. “Deerfield High School cannot foster an offensive environment that distracts from learning. It is quite possible that Mr. Jenkins was offending himself today, and I find that simply unacceptable.”

“It was so stupid,” said a very unhappy Ziggy. “They had me in the dean’s office for an hour. They lectured me on tolerance while we waited for my mom to bring me a grey shirt, white undershirt, and pair of jeans from home so I could change. I thought I had a real cool idea, dressing as myself and stuff, but next year I probably won’t wear a costume at all. The school sucked all the fun out of Halloween.”

Indeed Ziggy, indeed.

Popularity: 2% [?]

By Picov Andropov

DEERFIELD, IL – A rapid decrease in the number of children in the school’s daycare has left many administrators puzzled. The daycare was at full capacity at the start of the year, but has since been cut in half. The Director of Daycare Affairs (and Assistant Snack and Milk Distributor) tells The Flipside that “said missing children are probably just sick from the twenty five year old Animal Crackers we fed to them, which we found hidden underneath the sippie cups.”

The DHS Biology department thinks otherwise, as they link the decrease in the daycare population to the new bell which has frustrated students and faculty. One study has shown that nearly every mammal present in the “Back 40 Ecosystem” is attracted to this new bell. Deer, bear, squirrel, and the like have been hanging around the school and are not easily “shooed” away. They instead appear to be fixated on the school during passing periods, as some have labeled the “deer in headlights” syndrome. “This new bell has a higher tone, one that is attracting animals. It mimics mating calls in some species,” says one Biologist.

More hungry animals means less little children.

This hypothesis makes sense considering the fact that DHS has had nineteen reported cases of pheasant attacks during gym classes this year. There is simply an overabundance of furry woodland creatures hanging around campus.

Only time will tell whether the missing children and new bell have a correlation. But really, who cares? They probably just got swallowed up outside of the WERCS during a passing period. The holding hands while walking in a single file line method can only go so far.

It is no surprise that School Chest has decided to give all proceeds to installing a security system for the daycare. What child is safe if he or she does not have a tracking device installed in his or her head (with remote detonation standard of course)?

Some words of advice: don’t leave food in your car and expect it to be there at 3:14.

Popularity: 1% [?]

ASK MR MOTZKO

Dear Mr. Motzko,
It’s almost Halloween and I need to find a costume. I thought about being a monster or a ghost, but everyone told me that was too cliché. I need a creative idea, and preferably one that is home made. I have lots of tinfoil and I want to use it as a starting point. Where should I go from here?
Sincerely,
Helpless for Halloween

Dear Helpless (and apparently naked),

Spare the tinfoil for roasting pumpkin seeds. Besides, you’re gonna need it to finish a metallic hat that will shield you from the super-secret government satellites currently flying the skies in hopes of stealing our brainwaves and selling their ill-gotten bounty to crazen Hollywood writers. I’m talking to you, “so-called creators” of Full House. All Hallow’s Eve is down in the need for some serious revisions in what passes for scary. The faux (editor unable to read word), faux Meyers and faux Cheneys of Octobers past are as played out as Kerry Wood’s bare-china arm. Is it scary and homespun you desire? Soak your shirt in bacon grease and waft it in front of a pack of wild curs. Repeat until they threaten to tear it to shreds. Get in the shirt. Presto! You’re credit card debt. You want terrifying? Link fifteen of your friends together with broomsticks and go out as saturated fat. Just try to get out the door (or through an artery). Disturbing, you say? Slip on an extra undershirt that makes you two degrees warmer. Pour an inch of water in your shoes. Now you’re the earth in 50 years.

Remember, pennies are not an edible Halloween treat.

Popularity: 7% [?]

Popularity: 2% [?]