By Boscoe Cheyenne

DEERFIELD, IL—The Universal Fair Standards in Grading Act was signed into law yesterday by Student Council president David Zwick. It is informally known as the “Fair Grading Standards Act” and will give the students of Deerfield High School and around the nation the power to challenge their grades lawfully.

“Every high school student deserves a fair grade,” said President Zwick. “Did you just get a B+ that you want to be rounded up to an A-? The Fair Grades Act is for you.”

This law aims to affect teachers who may be cheating students out of one and possible two percentage points on an exam, accidentally. “The Fair Grades Act will change all of this,” says Zwick. “Now with the new ‘Good Effort’ clause, any student who seeks to raise his or her grade an excess of five times will automatically be rewarded a half grade increase. We just want to make sure that if you want a better grade hard enough but may not have the means, you can still get it.”

This new effort by the Student Council hopes to harness its immense influence over the student body. “This might be the most important event of the year,” says anxious junior Gordon Carnegie. I have always tried to raise my grades, but the previous laws have made it so difficult to do so. Now I have the support of my school and my Student Council, and I feel like there is nothing that can stop me.”

Any controversy between the student and the teacher will now move directly to the higher Student Council Court of Law, who with its jury of your peers, will most likely resolve to raise your grade no matter what the case.

This law has some very interesting lines such as the one that says, “Each student has the right to complain…indefinitely… in order to seek a raise of grade point average…. All grading rights not explicitly covered by the council are hereby left to the students.”

Mr. Ickie Grenwich, teacher of law at Deerfield High School, marvels at the new law. “Its beauty is in its open ended nature,” he says. “There has never been a better time to receive good grades for students.”

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Dear Mr. Motzko,
It’s finally time to apply to college and I don’t know where to start. People keep telling me about all of these essays you need to write and all these terrible standardized test you need to take. What is the best way to approach this process? I am contemplating delaying applying until the last second, but my counselor says that procrastination is not the answer. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Confused for College

Dear Sir, Madam or Steve:

Procrastination is not the answer. It is the means. The means to an end. A white-hot, black-asphalt, wind-blown, orange-vest wearing, community-service doing end. I sympathize with and even admire the average American teen’s ability to escalte procrastination to an art form, equivalent in merit to box-kite flying or butter sculpture. Many would put off their own birth until they were the proximal volume of the sun just for the challenge. Others are too wrapped up in spontaneous outbursts of dancing and singing (if High School Musical has taught me anything) or are engaged in wholesome activities like playing bass with Daddy on the Van Halen reunion tour. There is no more ripe fig for the spoilage of procrastination than the college admissions process. An irritant falling on the spectrum between finding fingernail clippings in your Bosco sticks and misplacing your oxygen, the various flaming hoops of college admissions morph into the albatross around your shoulders if one is wont to procrastinate. The answer, gentle reader, is obvious: outsourcing. Outsource your essays and tests to those students who are not stained by lethargy and indolence. First graders love to write anything and will jump through the ceiling tiles to impress. As long as your colleges of choice do not mind reversed “d” and “b”’s, the dotted blue line or essay after essay about ponies, first graders are your route to some serious me-time. Just be sure to avoid using fourth graders. Those kids are slackers.

Do you have a question for Mr. Motzko? Email theman@dhsflipside.com, and you may have your question in a future issue of The Flipside.

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By Harry Weilenthan

DEERFIELD, IL-Mathlete star Oscar von de Saamp has been expelled from the rest of the Mathletic season after testing positive for performance enhancing drugs.

Von de Saamp, who excelled in quadratic and trigonometric equations, had been using Ritalin to “get in the zone” before matches, and to gain any advantage possible in this dog-eat-dog world of Mathletes.

“He really is tainting the sport,” says fellow Mathlete Jori Hexilinear. “Just because [Oscar] used drugs to improve his performance, it doesn’t mean that the rest of us have.”

The rest of the team has come to Oscar’s aid, but their support may not be enough to overcome stringent drug testing laws.

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