By Yuri Carinque

LITTLE ROCK, AR –Gordon Winthrop, local homeless man in the Little Rock region, admitted in a press release last Wednesday that despite the struggling housing markets, he has been doing quite fine.

“I’ve actually been doing quite fine,” stated Winthrop, “Maybe even better than ever. Since the housing markets have utterly collapsed, I think a lot more people have been on my side.”

The credit markets and housing markets had experienced a major downturn due to leveraging and risky loaning. Winthrop, however, was indifferent to the whole escapade.

“The thing is,” replied Winthrop in a knowingly oblivious tone, “those things don’t really affect me. I stopped dealing with credit and debt and banking fifteen years ago.”

Understandably, the homeless shelter has gotten a little more cramped, but this also did not seem to affect Winthrop.

“You know, Yuri,” said the laid back Winthrop, “most of these things don’t affect me. I have been living a carefree life recently, and even the tight quarters at the homeless shelter aren’t that bad because I haven’t been spending too much time there either.”

The Department of the Homeland Security failed to comment on this issue because they felt that it wasn’t really relevant to them. However they did note that the warning level is orange.

“High interest rates, fed fund rates changes, bull markets, these terms are all a bunch of garbage,” said Winthrop. “There is just one thing I really cant stand: Body Odor.”

Popularity: 1% [?]

By Picov Andropov

DEERFIELD, IL –In the middle of arguing that the era of Jacksonian Democracy was improperly titled, Deerfield Junior Orson Buggy’s newly purchased pen began to run out of ink.

Being prepared for situations like this, and without a spare pen, Buggy had purchased a Staples Easy Button to quickly relieve himself of insufficient supplies. Removing the red button with white letters spelling the word “easy” from his backpack beside him, Orson pushed it to the unpleasant surprise that nothing happened.

“I kinda got the impression from the commercials,” Buggy explained, “that the button would easily replace any office supply I needed more of.” To Orson’s dismay, no pens, or even ink for that matter, fell from the sky. “I pushed it several times, yet my pen was still out of ink…. People looked at me as if I was crazy.” One onlooker stated that, “[Orson] appeared to be fascinated by not only its shiny texture, but its size and depth at which it could be pushed down.”

Forced to finish the test nonetheless, Orson barrowed a 1st Class pencil from the annoying girl behind him who always confused Hamilton with Jefferson. Although he argued his point well and even gave some evidence as to refute his claim, just to show he could be complex, his teacher refused to read it, causing him to end up with a grade of a zero on his exam.

Buggy’s lawyer questions the truthfulness of the Staples advertising campaign and slogan, “that was easy.”

“It actually wasn’t easy,” exclaimed his lawyer, “the button simply did not serve its advertised function.” Orson is ready to press charges against the false advertising and wants his $5.59 refunded.

Staples was willing to release the following statement, “Easy Button is a service mark of Staples the Office Superstore, LLC. Made in China.” They seem to have the issue well in hand.

When asked for comment again, Staples stated that they planned to use the easy button to produce more easy buttons, which hopefully would function correctly.

Popularity: 1% [?]

By Peter Cottel

DEERFIELD, IL—In a devastating attack, “La Catrina: Episodio Uno” struck the unprepared sophomore class last Tuesday in the listening lab in D-111. Many came out so disheveled that they needed to ask what period it was and what month they were in.

“The thing that struck me most was the acting,” said very perceptive sophomore student Bill Owdion. “It was so realistic, when they told me this was actually a work of fiction, I insisted that it was not. I’m telling you, that story just seemed so real.”

Many students were not as lucky. “I was not ready for La Catrina,” said motivated student Vallerie Flomtching. “It was so difficult that even on my seventh watching, I could not piece together some of those phrases from Felipe and Rogelio.”

Many students were not even as lucky as Vallerie. Said a terrified Owen Forest, “I mean when Hurricane La Catrina hits, it hits hard. After watching Episodio Uno, my papers were strewn all over the place and I couldn’t even find my backpack.”

Hurricane La Catrina left the sophomore Spanish class in shambles, but Spanish teachers are working on a recovery effort.

Popularity: 2% [?]