By John Frolinian

DEERFIELD, IL—Bob Vacation, a five year senior at Deerfield High School, was puzzled last Friday for class color day and the pep rally following it. Bob, who many lovingly dub, the “super-senior,” for his great looks and wit (and five years of attendance) was unsure of what color he was to wear.

“Well let’s see. Freshman are white, sophomores are green, juniors are blue and seniors are black. I think teachers might have been red or gray, or maybe khaki. But what does that make super-seniors?” asked Vacation.

“I think it makes them yellow,” said an overconfident four year senior. “Any other color is just too similar to everyone else. And we want Bob to stand out as much as he can.”

That is not the goal expressed by the administration. “We want everyone to be the same and unified,” said the deans. “Everyone should all wear the Deerfield jumpsuit to express conformity and thoughtlessness. Any further expression of color could become controversial.” They would not answer directly about Bob Vacation because they did not want to single out students.

The other super senior, was indifferent as to class color day. “I will probably wear what I always wear,” reported Nathan Helisten. “My robe.”

Flipside reporters who attended class color day and the pep rally did spot Vacation and Helisten. Vacation wore black and Helisten wore his robe.

“I didn’t wear black,” said Vacation. “I wore charcoal. It is similar, but by no means the same. And that is how I see myself among this population of seniors.” In the future, Vacation hopes to graduate Deerfield High School and move forward into a university.

Popularity: 3% [?]

By Owen Trentonite

NEW YORK, NEW YORK—In a sad scene yesterday, the local animal rights group Rights For Animals helped convict a felon on a repeat charge for cruelty to balloon animals.

“We help animals of all types,” said spokeswoman Joanne Gerfunk. “I don’t care if it’s a lion or a cat or a dog or a porcupine or a mosquito or a bumblebee or a termite or a balloon animal, we here at Rights For Animals are dedicated to helping them.” She paused dramatically, “If we don’t help them, who will?”

This has been the question Balloon-Animal Rights Activists have been trying to answer for years. There has been much activism in trying to calm cruelty to balloon animals. There have been repeated ad campaigns and mime tours, but it really didn’t seem to get through to some of those terrible people.

“A disproportionate amount of the balloon-animal abusers were clowns and children in the under ten set,” reports Ballon-Animal Rights research Todd Venderven. “The most common abuse has been brutal twisting of body parts, poking with sharp objects, popping, and throwing away.”

“The way I look at it,” says concerned teenager Lin Oligander, “If you wouldn’t do it to a human, why would you do it to a balloon-animal? We are all animals if you look at it biologically, and they probably have much of the same DNA as us.”

The man arrested, Joey Jones, was a five time repeat offender. Jones, a seven year old, has been convicted to half an hour of chores and a paper saying why he should stop being violent.

Bozo was also arrested for abetting the crime by providing the illegal balloon animals abusing goods such as a pin and permanent marker.

Popularity: 3% [?]

By Edmund von Floueshten

All this razzmatazz and hubbub has gotten over the top. Things around my home concert hall have just gotten too crazy. Who can stand this anymore?

That was rhetorical, because I cannot. I might walk around all day playing concertos and sonatas, but all I want around hear is a little peace and harmony.

People might say then when you play a harmony you get harmony, but this is not so. The tuba is always too loud, and the cellist is always too screechy.

I just want calm. Maybe I should move out of this concert hall and into a normal house or apartment where there aren’t banjos and violas and flutes playing all day.

Maybe that would be my answer to harmony. But then again, how could I live without my piano and my metronome. I probably couldn’t, so I must remain here and find a way.

Popularity: 2% [?]