DEERFIELD, IL—There is discontent around the friendly confines of Deerfield High School. Earthworks, the after-school club concerned with environmentalism and actively saving our planet, has been exposed.

This angelic club is not what we once thought it was. They have been participating in a worldwide scam of environmental clubs. “We once thought they were harmless, but this is not the case,” says EPA head Sam Inspeck. “They have been advertising their good deeds for decades. And how do they advertise? With paper. Paper from trees that they cut down together in their evil anti-environment rituals.”

“This is true,” said longtime Earthworks member Evan Cohen. “But the point is, when we cut down trees, it is with good intentions. We don’t poison them first and defame them, like they do in other environmental clubs. We just cut them down with axes.”

“This is part of the fun of Earthworks,” reports an anonymous member. “It is kind of the big secret that no one knows. But now that everyone knows, well, I guess it doesn’t matter then.”

“This Earthworks scandal is part of a larger epidemic,” says Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton. “We need to stop thinking about ourselves and how we can cut down trees and start thinking about how to help others cut down trees.”

Deerfield Village Officials have looked more closely into the scandal and have decided that it wasn’t worth pursuing. “Basically,” said the treasurer, “the trees aren’t the ones paying the taxes. And until they do, I say: Earthworks, cut down those trees to advertise your environmentalist values.”

Earthworks is doing all they can to help destroy and save the environment simultaneously. “The two really go hand in hand,” says vocal member Evan Cohen. “If we need to advertise for environmentalism and happen to cut down a few trees in the process, so be it.”

This no-nonsense attitude has attracted a whole new array of members to Earthworks. “This new publicity is great for us,” says a member. “Who knows where we will go from here.”

By Lisa Allian

DEERFIELD, IL—Freshman Student Jimmy Lunderman has taken dress-up days to a new level. The meager fourteen year old boy, unaware of all unwritten rules of social normalcy, turned himself into a full-fledged sixty year old pirate.

“I was really going for effect,” said the setback Lunderman. “I probably spent one hundred and twenty dollars in props, considering how I bought the beard, the hat, the sword, the makeup, the costume, and the stilts, because at five-two, I am not convincing anyone that I am a pirate.”

But don’t let that fool anyone. In full getup the six foot Jimmy Lunderman could easily be mistaken for a Treasure Island or Pirates of the Caribbean character.

“I haven’t seen Jimmy today,” said his best friend Yuli Belatross. “Usually he is easy to pick out in his small stature and braces, but I think he got those removed, just for the sake of pirate dress-up day.”

“It also took my mom five hours and eleven minutes to put on the makeup,” said a shy Jimmy, “But who’s counting anyways?”

“He wins an A for effort,” remarks the Student Council president. “This is really what we are looking for from our student population: A first class attitude and a really good costume.”

By Tony “The Trashtalker” Ta’alio

Hey you. Yea you, in the gray shirt with the obscure band on it. Yea, I’m talking to you. Don’t look away now just ‘cause your intimidated by the T-Man. Tony’s gonna play it nice this time.

We can make this painless. I’m just here for the scoop. So let’s hear it. What did you get on that March National Test? You know what I’m talking about. The A-C-T. The Alpha Charlie Tango. The drama club. The “big one.”

Fine! You don’t want to tell, you don’t have to. All I’m asking for is the range. Give me an idea. Are you above fifteen? Well, that’s good, I was asking that more as a rhetorical question. Are you in the thirty to thirty five range? No? That’s ok, we can’t all be Einsteins. So then, we got you punked between fifteen and thirty five. We’re almost there, this will be painless.

Dude, just tell me now. It’s not like it matters. Everyone has an ACT score. And also, it’s not like I am going to judge you and hate you and call you a bigot and a racist if you don’t get above a twenty seven. It’s not like that.

OK, how about this. We will make it into a game. I will say a number and you say “Ka-pow” if I got it right. Twenty two. Thirty one. Twenty nine. Twenty. Thirty six. Five. Twenty six. Did I hear you say “Ka-pow?” No? All right then, we’ll keep going. What? You need to go do homework? Don’t give me that excuse. I’ve heard it before.

No, I am not being annoying! All I asked you was one simple question. How about this: You tell me a president that was the same number as what you got. No? What about this: Tell it to me in binary code. I feel like we aren’t getting anywhere. But, it’s ok, you can’t stop the T-Talker. He keeps talkin’. We’ll get that ACT out of you sometime.