DEERFIELD, IL—The town of Deerfield is making a strong political statement. And it is really starting to hit home. Deerfield, once thought to be shockingly liberal, is revealing its more conservative bias and empathy.

“We cannot stand the way that the media is making a circus out of all the actions of our Republican senators,” stated resident Jude Beths emphatically. “We need to stop this media circus and start being kind to the elephants.”

No, Mrs. Beths is not referring to the literal circus and the literal elephant. She is not referring to the brutal treatment imposed on elephants and other animals working at the circus. No, this is a much more serious issue. Mrs. Beths echoes the voice of the Deerfield community when she says that we need to be nicer to Republicans in government and avoid this hoopla that the media puts on.

“Mr. Larry Craig, Republican Idaho Senator. Good guy,” says Deerfield-ite Greg Recking. “But the media just makes him look silly. They make our elephants into a circus.” (The town loves this elephant-circus metaphor for government, by the way.) “George Bush, great guy. Great president,” continues Recking. “Put this media circus just turns him into a fool!”

Residents of Deerfield, we need to skip this media circus! Be above this poor treatment of our governmental elephants.

But our more liberal youth have been resistant to this message. Signs are disappearing around Deerfield due to criminals, those Democrats who do not support our Republican ideals of government. They have been uprooting these signs from the ground to promote this media circus. It is these reporters, these rumor-starters, these liberal-minded jokers who must be stopped. If we want order restored to this government, we must be kind and stop this madness.

The once thought great humanitarian and charity worker, Mother Teresa, has been exposed. After a recent post-mortem study into her schooling, researchers found that her charity work as a child was only to get into college.

“Yes, we were going through past records at Oxford University, and a rejected applicant by the name of Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu (Mother Teresa’s real name) had countless lists of work with the poor, those with AIDS, leprosy, and other diseases,” says researcher Jo Vo. From this we can only deduce that this charity work was for the sole purpose of getting into college.”

RIVERWOODS, IL—Stacey Windsor always enjoyed being your average local girl. She has lived in Deerfield all her life, and currently is a sophomore at Deerfield High School. She will continue to be, until she moves with her family to Riverwoods.

Her teachers as well as fellow students are rather sad concerning the move. “She was your average local girl,” replied her Level 2 Spanish teacher, “She had the average amount of shoes, the average length of hair, and the average number of boyfriends, about 1.8.” She sighed. “With this move, she just won’t be your same average local girl any more.”

Her guidance counselor Heather Scanvant is very worried for Stacey’s well being. “She was just so local before. Now, she will be fifteen more miles away, and once you cross that fifteen mile mark, you’re just not local anymore.”

“I think things will be just about the same now that I’m moving,” replied Stacey. “The only difference between now and before is that instead of being your average local girl, I will now be a little farther away.”

Stacey gave us an impromptu list of things that will change with her move. “Well, I will have a different zip code, a different room, most likely a different image, a different group of friends, a different GPA, and a different hair color.”

Then, unfortunately we had to break the news to Stacey that she would still be going to Deerfield High School. “The thing is, though, like, I’m not local any more, so, like, it will just be different.”

CHICAGO-At the renowned Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago, the turtle exhibit has been having problems recently. There star female turtle named Kiototo (after her breeder) and nicknamed Toto for short has been acting very hesitant and reclusive.

“Toto has been one of our best animals in the past couple years,” says trainer Gary Kiototo. “She is always so vibrant and active. She used to love the fans that would flock to her exhibit to watch her urinate and eat,” said the excited Kiototo. “But she is different now.”

The zoo hired animal psychologist Tom Hooloo to study Toto. “Toto has been displaying many signs of awkwardness and clumsiness that we see in these adolescent turtle years. He is what you would call an ‘awkward turtle.’” Tom then proceeded to do the famous awkward turtle hand motion, where he put one hand on top of the other and rotated his thumbs.

Teenage girls, who used to be a fan of Toto, have recently been visiting other more attractive animals, like the ostrich and the tarantula. “I don’t know, Toto was totally awky for me,” replied one confused teen.

When asked for comment Toto said, “Yea, I just don’t really like it when I want to go to the bathroom or eat, and all these people want to do is stare at me. Now that’s awkward.”

I’ll tell you what boys of Deerfield, if you are looking for a great looking sandwich with an even better looking waitress, The Cubby Bear is the place to be. I mean, that place just seems to be crawling with young, football-loving hotties. In fact, my waitress there the other night was so hot, I forgot to order. The only thing that would come out my mouth was saliva as I drooled over our stunning server. Men, I’ll tell you, there’s nothing better than a buffalo chicken sandwich brought out to you by a girl way too hot to be your girlfriend. Some may call it depressing, but I just call it football.