By Flagstaff Roberts

BOULDER JUNCTION, WI—In what is revolutionary and ground-breaking news around the country, the simple couple from Boulder Junction, Wisconsin, Mary and Timothy Dawson, have high hopes that they will adopt a highway.

The Dawsons had been trying to have a child for the past three years, but it just wasn’t working. “We went to our doctor,” Mary said, “and he told us we were going to have to look at other options. He suggested possible sperm donation, or adopting a child, but none of these were for us.”

Timothy Dawson was insistent that, “we do it right,” and he wanted their parenting experience to be all it should be.

I asked the Dawsons, as an inquisitive reporter, the obvious question: What led you to adopt a highway?

“Well, Flagstaff,” Mary said as she became starry-eyed, “it was more of a split second decision. Timmy and I were driving down I-77 and we saw the adopt-a-highway sign and we knew. It’s one of those intuitive things that is too hard to explain.”

“I think we picked him because he was so cute,” Tim Dawson said. “He has these nice curves and beautiful forests surrounding him. I’m not saying he’s not rough around the edges (aren’t we all),” he chuckled, “I mean there’s the industrial plant here and there, but on the whole he is just a wonderful thing.”

The Dawsons have been very influential in the upbringing of their highway. They have been to private traffic school on many occasions to make sure that they give only the best to their adopted-son, who they call Ronny.

“We try to be with him every day. We really stress the importance of hygiene and cleanliness, but for some reason he always seems to have garbage and bottles all over his room,” Mary said. “Kids these days.”

The adoption papers are still underway, but the Dawsons are very happy with their adopted highway. “So far, it’s really all we hoped it would be, and so much more,” said Mary. “I couldn’t have asked for a better part of I-77.”

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By Gary Rogers

LINCOLNWOOD, IL—Just yesterday, Jason Benson, mathematician and particle physicist at Hilmeyer Labs turned 24 years old. Since it was his golden birthday, his colleagues decided to throw a huge surprise party for him with a decorated cake.

The cake was half chocolate- half vanilla, and on top it had a 4 with an exclamation point. Benson, who was unaware that there was a party for him, walked in with confusion: “But I’m 24,” he exasperated.

Jason’s boss, Fillip walked up to him and put his hand on his shoulder. “I thought you would have known. It was not four. It was four factorial.”

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By Leonardo Valencia

DEERFIELD, IL—Junior student Jon Plowneet, a straight A Deerfield High School student, will be taking his standardized tests in “reduced time” this upcoming school year.

Plowneet, who has been an honor roll student, “as long as he can remember,” is ecstatic, yet humble about his upcoming task.

“This is more for the people than it is for me,” replied an anxious Plowneet. “I’m really trying to give back.” Then he decided to stop talking about his political campaign and stay focused. “The way I see it,” Plowneet told The Flipside, “if people who need a little longer get extended time, then people who don’t need as much time should just take reduced time. Isn’t it only fair that way?”

We then tried to persuade Plowneet with arguments of rationality about why he probably should use all the time they give him, but he was stubborn as a wall.

School psychologist Joanne Berion has said about Plowneet, “This is most likely an act of defiance, as we see in these teenage years. It also is probably a show of arrogance and could have been based off a dare from his friends.”

The Plowneet family is also happy about their son Jon’s boldness and audacity in this approaching testing season. “I think that Jon is very gifted,” said his mother Olga. “If he can take the test in seventy percent less time than the other kids, I’m not going to be the one to stop him.”

Friends regard Plowneet in quiet contempt. An anonymous friend close to the source has said, “Jon wants to take reading in five minutes, math in seven minutes, and writing in two minutes. Honestly that’s just stupid.”

The ACT company and College Board refused to comment on this issue saying that they do not deal with the tests on a case by case basis and that they still support the use of number two pencils only.

Popularity: 1% [?]

By Armando Sallywiggs

DEERFIELD, IL—After being under recent scrutiny for its rules about kicking students out of football games, Deerfield High School did not improve its image any better when Friday night, security guard Randall Hughes and Gene Withers kicked Glenn Marstrom, a junior, out of the game for his mere presence.

Trouble was brewing when Marstrom, a quiet and introverted junior at Deerfield, walked into Adams Field looking to watch some good football. However, his effort was immediately halted by two security guards who say they wish to keep the game “pure and sensible.” Marstrom’s reaction was one of shock and disbelief at the irrational guards who grabbed Marstrom by the arm pits and “escorted” him out of Adam’s Field with nothing more than a few minor bruises and a black eye.

Security guard Withers, Officer Withers as he is known around the trade, declined for comment. However Hughes had this to say about the incident: “I mean, you can’t just let somebody get away with this. What with the football game and all, a student can’t just waltz into the game and expect to stay. It is merely illogical to think that we would let somebody get away with something like this…coming to a football game to watch the football game, I mean, something’s gotta be done.” When asked to talk about the potential for a decline in attendance, Hughes said “That’s a risk we’re willing to take.”

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