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Deerfield Il- Due to the amazing turn out to post-prom, the administration has come up with another counter-culture success. Their ads consisting of an arrow pointing at an empty desk with the statement “That could be you” has been met with tremendous success. Senior Melanie Shaw, who was not planning to attend school on senior ditch day, is just plain stoked to go to in school senior ditch day. “What really did it for me was the ad with kids running around the track in their gym clothes and the arrow saying this could be you. This is going to be so much more fun than not going to school. And safer to boot.”

Some seniors are skeptical of an in school senior ditch day. Complaints have varied from school sucks all the way to school sucks. Conspiracy theorists assert this is some grand scheme by the administration to get students to show up on Senior Ditch Day, but the deans flat out deny these claims. “Just like post-prom, this even actually is not brought down by the natural boringness of school. How can it not be fun if the other grades cannot participate in it? You know you want to feel special. Don’t give me that look.”

The post-prom committee is really going the extra mile to replicate senior ditch day in a safer environment, as students still have to get called out by their parents. Real rebels can go to in school Senior Ditch Day without even being called out!

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Deerfield Il- The oldest kids in school collectively decided not to show up, but this time it was even longer than Senior Get Called Out of All Your Classes Day. The effects of their disappearance have almost entirely been positive. Besides leaving Freshman befuddled without their leadership and gym class in more disarray than normal, there has been no other complaints from students and faculty alike.

Many students who shared classes with these lazy and usually annoying 18 year olds are “ecstatic that they are gone” and “excited to actually start getting work done.” Many wonder why the seniors did not decide to leave earlier. It was quite apparent they did not want to be at school and school did not want them to be there.

Oddly, there are some seniors who lag behind, preparing for some final thing. These students tend to be the laziest, most obnoxious, and most vocally angry. However, no one understands why these stragglers remains, especially consider how easy it is to get a B- at Deerfield High School. Alas, we should be thankful of all the comic material seniors have given us throughout this year.

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I am just doing it for my résumé,
I need to get into college and this is the only way.
I’ll take any class that inflates my GPA,
Saving kids in Africa, I can’t wait to put that in an essay.

It does not matter that I do not really know what the club is,
All that matters is that someone looking at my résumé will say “Gee-whiz.”
I could care less about how I do on any quiz,
Because with all those things on my résumé I’m definitely in biz.

Now my college interview comes,
I’m going to make all those ten extra-curricular kids look like bums.
The man says it’s impressive I play the drums,
I say that that is not all I do, chums.

Then he responds and asks me to explain what I do,
I quickly start to turn blue.
Is he picking on me because I am a Jew?
He adds, “You do so much, it’s almost too good to be true.”

As I stutter to give him a valid explanation,
I get this sudden sensation.
My state of elation was replaced by frustration,
My entire résumé was just one big decoration.

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Well, thank you all for being here for the announcements.

Let’s get straight down to business. First off, Earthworks will be meeting after school next Tuesday on the moon for clean up duty. Extreme Cuisine will be having a “Foreign Delicacy” themed taste testing for next Thursday featuring ants and guinea pig intestines. Yum! All members of Drill Team please get your rations and helmets and get ready for battle on Friday night versus GBN. Go Warriors!

Attention Seniors! Don’t forget that you are graduating on May 27 at around 5:00 pm. This is one time where you don’t want to be fashionably late.

Tomorrow will be a special schedule available on the district website. We will not have any of the prime number periods. One, two, three, and five–that means you! All questions on the matter should be directed to your student council representative.

All hallways will be closed for the rest of the year. If you want to get through, you will need a doctor’s note and a phone call from your parents. If you want to cross through X-Hall or Q-Hall during lunch periods, you will need a passport or or other type of valid identification as well.

Attention all Freshman! It is now bedtime–please report to the nap rooms located in M-Hall.

Everyone else! Make sure you read the Flipside. This is the last hurrah for this year, or the farewell issue, or yada yada.

It’s been a good time. Oh, I’m getting off track. Any complaints about being offended should be taken up with the Flipside complaint department in H-117 or with the attendance office.

Catch you on the Flipside.

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By Picov Andropov

A Farewell Piece

AP exams have finally come to an end and the reflection of the past four years has only just begun. We’ve had some good laughs here at The Flipside, often at the expense of you, the reader. You shouldn’t be offended, because we have made our best effort to make fun of everyone equally.

If I’ve learned anything over the past four years, it’s this: high school is not four years of preparation for college; it’s preparation to determine whether others will be attending the right college. How can you tell if you’re going to the wrong place? Well, I can help you. Here are the Top 10 Reasons You’re Attending the Wrong College:

Number 10: You’re majoring in “English accents and why they sound funny”

Number 9: You’re going to your 3rd choice, meaning your applications to University of Wrigley Field and Chicago Cubs Institute were denied

Number 8: You haven’t found out yet that your roommate watches Scrubs reruns at least four times a day.

Number 7: Gymnasium doubles as the physics department

Number 6: Most notable alumnus is Eliot Spitzer

Number 5: Professors often run in to class late wearing fast food uniform

Number 4: College is spelled “Koledge”

Number 3: Financial aid offer includes tickets to Schaumberg Flyers game

Number 2: Accepted you with an essay entitled “D=A: My High School’s Messed up Grading System”

Number 1: Website statistics include “79% of graduates out on parole in four years”

I hope you have found my column useful in the past year. Thank you to those who actually read this (you can pick up your prize in Mr. Motzko’s classroom X-121) and for not throwing The Flipside on the floor after half finishing the sudoku. Oh, and by the way, for those of you who still don’t understand, it’s “pick up and drop off.” (Now I get it!)

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DEERFIELD, IL—So, you are finally starting to take your AP tests and you have realized that the seniors in your classes have been checked out for at least two months. The 2007-2008 school year is coming to an end. Let’s review what happened:

AUGUST

We all arrived to school with our thirty-one pound backpacks prepared for a busy year ahead of us. We kicked it off with the Kickoff Dance, which happened before we learned all of our teacher’s names. But after the dance, we knew their names because they all supervised so well.

SEPTEMBER

Time to go to your first random club meeting that you vow you will make it through to the entire year. You pick out of a hat…Earthworks and Chess Club. But you realize that you actually can’t go because you have to ask that girl to homecoming. But you don’t know her name yet either.

OCTOBER

Winter break starts. Actually it doesn’t, but it seems like it because this is when it started snowing. And it kept snowing, reminding you that Chicago has year-long winters. But everything has its minor upsides (See January and February.)

DECEMBER

By now you have hopefully either: 1) applied to college 2) taken your first final exam 3) gotten locked out of your first final exam or 4) experienced your first pizza sale. But for some reason it’s $2.00. (Inflation, or possibly conniving money-making fundraisers.)

JANUARY

Winter break still going on, or if it wasn’t, you can’t tell the difference what with Martin Luther King Day, Snow Day, Snow Day 2, Gas Leak Day. Either Gas Leak Day, or what has now been dubbed by leading conspiracy theorists as Alien Invasion and Celebration Week. Because Snow, Gas, and Martin Luther King are all intrinsically liked in a future life.

FEBRUARY

There was Valentines Day somewhere in there, but more importantly, we picnicked in class with plastic plates and cups (I’ll bring the napkins!), we wore restaurant t-shirts and for some reason the other ones were upside down. But don’t worry, you won’t get punished for the upside down shirts when they’re sanctioned (even though that terrible fashion sense offends all common decency!) Super Tuesday was a hit in theaters near you.

MARCH

Still snowing. School resumes after spring break. Rest of March probably non-notable. You probably wished four or five people happy birthday on Facebook. Malta and Zimbabwe hold elections to the notice of six or seven politically active students.

APRIL

Snow is on and off now. Spring break lasts entire month, but sports pick up again, the musical sings about who knows what. The seniors taught your class, and you learned a thing or to about how unfit they were to teach your class. You took the ACT maybe, or something at least.

MAY

That’s where we are now, you took some AP tests, and finally after, you became proficient in both French and filling in bubbles (But the first is questionable.) You learned how to spell AP and wrote it in all over the school, and you learned that it stood for Advanced Placement, but beyond that you would need to consult your textbook.

JUNE

Those of you who haven’t figured out that the year is over stay at school. Grades come back, snow starts up again, and conspiracy theorists take a break until next year.

Well that’s the year, or some of it. People say we didn’t do anything this year but I would like to disagree strongly. We did at least two or three things. Until next year.

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GARNER, NORTH CAROLINA—In a recently updated version of their waiver contract, the Valet company outside of Tom’s Fancy Restaurant has made drastic changes to help out their insurance policy.

Users of the valet company now sign off on their right to sue, and the right to complain if death or a filthy car results from the car being in the care of the valet.

Most prominently, however, was this statement: “We are not responsible for lost, damaged, or stolen cars,” remarks the large sign and the contract. Drivers are easy to overlook this statement, but this wheeling-and-dealing has added significantly to the bottom line of the valet. Just last month they made $600,000 after selling two Ferraris, a 2007 BMW and a 1992 Jeep.

Few have protested, saying that the disclaimer contradicts the purpose of the valet, but their press statement quotes a little known president: “The business of America is business,” they say, as they continue to steal, damage, and joyride in impressive vehicles.

Among other companies that claim the same irresponsibility are Bank One, whose magnificent disclaimer tells that they are not responsible for any lost or stolen money. Another standout is Park District Day Care who says they claim no responsibility for lost, or stolen babies.

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