By George Minkowski

“Boom” went the oilrig 40 miles off the coast of Louisiana on April 20, 2010. “Uh-oh” went the United States Coast Guard two days after the explosion when they noticed crude oil leaking from the rig at a rate of 210,000 gallons per day. That number has been increasing in the wake of several failed attempts to control the spill including their promising idea to duct tape the leak and their slightly less promising idea to pray away the leak. The thousands of animals killed or displaced by the spill were just as surprised that the duct tape didn’t work.

The leak continues as you read this, but the situation is not without hope. BP, the company mainly responsible for this devastating spill, announced yesterday at brunch-time (Central Standard Time) that they have a plan to save their precious oil.

BP CEO Tony Hayward is devastated by all of the oil lost but believes that his team of yes-men has developed a sound plan to recover at least 80% of their “liquid money.”

“We are sorry to our investors and we are sorry to those affected by the spill. I’m forgetting something. I know it,” said Hayward. “Oh, and the animals. Sorry, animals.” Hayward then brought out a man in a white coat to describe their two-part plan to resolve the situation.

“Phase one,” said the man in the white coat, “is to try duct tape again. Problem almost solved. Phase two is a little more complicated. We allow the animals to keep swimming around in our oil until they absorb it all. Then, we ring them out in a giant bucket. We get our oil back; the animals are oil-free. It’s win-win.”

Environmentalists like Duke University marine biologist Larry Crowder says “ringing animals out like they are wet towels will lead to death 100% of the time.” He suggests a more traditional approach to dealing with the spill like having engineers come out to assess the problem while people rescue, clean, and rehabilitate the animals until it is safe for them to be released back into their environment. Asked Hayward sarcastically, “do you have that kind of money, pretty boy?”

Nobody has that kind of money, except of course for the BP executives who are determined to find a way to fix the spill without costing them any money (preferably making them money). For now, they are waiting on board approval for their plan. Approval, however, will not be that difficult to obtain as the BP Board of Directors is comprised entirely of soulless, real-life monopoly men.

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By Gunter Hausman

NEW YORK CITY— Roger Lumenick, film critic from the New York Times, tried his best to fight his most recent assignment but ultimately failed. As a result, he ended up in a 6:30 showing of Furry Vengeance (Rated PG) last Friday night. Lumenick was the only adult in the theater and was reportedly made “quite uncomfortable” by the situation.

Furry Vengeance is a film about a real estate developer who tries to build a new development on an Oregon forest. The animals fight back. It’s man versus nature and the fur is gonna fly! “I swear I was only there because I’m a film critic,” said Lumenick.

The movie stars Brandon Fraser, Angela Kinsey, and Matt Prokop. Who were those last two? Good question. Evidently, these actors’ performances were not quite good enough to attract just one adult to see the film, or even accompany their children to it. “I have kids,” said Lumenick. “I mean I am their father.”

Lumenick sat in the back row of the theater. One of the moviegoers, Tommy Jackson, 7, went to the ticket counter to alert the theater of a suspicious man. The theater manager prided Tommy on his mastery of the principles of stranger-danger and proceeded to Theater 4 to see the man for himself.

The manager saw Lumenick nervously taking notes and had a look at his notes to make sure Lumenick wasn’t a threat. His notes said the following:

Why are those kids looking at me? I’m just trying to do my job…Wow. This movie is awful. Is the title a pun or something? I wish I could give half stars… I went to the Northwestern School Journalism. I don’t need this… Seriously? No parents decided to stay with their kids?

Lumenick sat through the whole movie for the sole reason that “Brook Shields is still kind of hot.” Regardless, he gave the movie only one star and a scathing review. “Furry Vengeance was terrible. The hour and half film was 90 minutes too long. It was a thin premise stretched far beyond reason- able length. By the way, I was only there because I’m a film critic. I would never have gone to see Furry Vengeance if I had the choice. Consider it a blessing that you do.”

Luckily for Lumenick, the animals don’t talk in this movie. If they did, he would have seemed a lot more out of place there. Still, being the only one old enough to drive or even get into a PG-13 movie was plenty creepy for the film critic.

The moral of this story, unlike the moral of Furry Vengeance which was some crap about ecological balance, is that Brandan Fraser is a sorry excuse for an actor.

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By George Minkowski

In 2008, District 113 received a lot of media attention for teaching the Pulitzer Prize-winning drama “Angels in America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes.” In 2009, the administration was back in the news for their controversial decision to suspend the entire senior class of swimmers on allegations of hazing during the team’s “Senior Night” festivities. After these two publicity stunts, citizens of the North Chicago suburbs were left asking, “What on earth will District 113 do next?!”

That question was answered when they decided to not allow Highland Park’s Girls Basketball team to travel to Arizona next year for a tournament. Superintendent George V. Fornero said in a release that the decision to cancel the trip to Arizona was “not a political statement regarding the State of Arizona’s recently enacted legislation regarding immigration.” Honestly, no one is really buying that. As a result of this decision, a highly charged debate has broken out. The difference between the two sides? Politics. “Whoops…” said one administrator sarcastically who couldn’t hide his excitement.

The administration knew that just whispering words “political statement” would cause a media blitzkrieg, so instead, they shouted it. Their plan has been working. This story made the front page of the Chicago Tribune, has been on WGN, ABC, and America Live with Megyn Kelly on FOX where Former Alaska Governor and Hockey-Mom Sarah Palin gave her two cents on the issue. She believes the girls have the right to “play ball” and should “go rogue” if need be. Her opinion, however, is being dismissed by most because the only sport she is qualified to comment on is hunting large mammals from a helicopter.

But still, the majority of those with an opinion support the team playing in the tournament. According to Facebook, the group denouncing the administration’s decision has over 12,000 more members than the group supporting the decision of boycotting the entire state of Arizona. (Boycotting a state seems a little impractical, especially if they make such delicious iced tea.) Either way, the administration wins as they get another 15 minutes of fame.

On Monday night, a statement was delivered by the District 113 Board of Education President claiming to “regret the unwanted media attention our district has been subjected to.” The President of the Board then went on to sell some District 113 merchandise. The basketball team signed and sold several copies of the Chicago Tribune, only to be outsold by the administration who sold 200 novelty Fornero bobble-heads and tickets to their next press conference which they hope to hold in the United Center.

We sat down with an administrator who surprisingly didn’t want to have their name published. “It’s a ‘shame’ that we are getting so much attention for this whole ordeal. We really just want to run the district ‘efficiently’ and with ‘little’ controversy. Oh, who am I kidding? We live for this!”

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By Jeremy Hoodaman

In a surprise press conference held yesterday, Lebron James announced his intentions to compete in the NBA as a one-man team. The news came amidst rumors that James would be joining other prominent teams such as the New York Knicks, the Chicago Bulls, or some team in New Jersey that The Flipside keeps forgetting about.

“I believe that without other players around to inhibit my natural abilities, I will be able to accomplish greater things as an individual than I ever had as part of a team,” James modestly told the press shortly before exiting the stage via a mystical puff of chalk dust.

Lebron James will leave the Cleveland Cavaliers this summer after seven years of mundane triple-doubles and. Despite countless triple-doubles, numerous buzzer-beaters, and recognition as the league’s Most Valuable Player, James has been unable to lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to a championship. Consequentially, many believe that Anderson Varejão, Anderson Varejão’s hair, and the rest of the Cavaliers have only held back King James.

As the only member of the team known only as The Lebron James, the former Cavalier is expected to forego the traditional five-man set-up in favor of a strategy in which he plays all positions himself. James will carry the duties of point guard, shooting guard, center, forward, power forward, small forward, head coach, assistant coach, and ball boy, among others. The Flipside has learned from an anonymous source that The Lebron James will be hiring the more-than-competent Gilbert Arenas for security during matches.

Though other players would struggle in such an environment, NBA scouts are expecting Lebron James to do nothing other than win. In the wake of the announcement, teams are already scrambling to prepare competent defensive systems to contain James’ inevitable domination in the 2010-2011 season. “The Cavs lost the number of games they did because Lebron had to let go of the ball sometimes,” Lakers coach Phil Jackson told The Flipside, “and now that he’s all by himself, I don’t know what we’re going to do. I mean, the man can pass, shoot, dunk, rebound, block… you name it.”

“I guess he can’t give himself chest bumps when he’s announced as a starter,” Jackson added, “so I guess that’s really the only thing we’ve got on him.”

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By George Minkowski
DEERFIELD, IL— The Prairie State Achievement Test was designed to test students’ knowledge of science trivia, sign reading, and Illinois-related math skills. The test was implemented in 2005 to assess whether or not high school students were ready to graduate and face their future of working on a farm. Last week, DHS Juniors had their farm-operating aptitude tested during a late start and reports are already coming in indicating how woefully unprepared they would be if they were to start their predetermined agricultural careers tomorrow.
According to the Illinois State Board of Education, Deerfield High School “totally rocked” the science trivia section and scored “better than Highland Park, at least” on the sign reading test. However, Deerfield’s performance on the “applied”
mat section was an “epic fail.” State Superintendant Dr. Christopher Koch lamented Deerfield’s performance on this section. “A simple question: students are given a diagram of their house on a map labeled in miles and given the amount of corn they grew. We tell them how many pounds of corn go into a bushel, but ask them how many bushels per acre they grew. How could they not figure that one out?!” Students thought this question was exceedingly difficult only because they didn’t have the “Farm Facts” application on their calculators that all other Illinois students have.
The application contains useful features like a calculator that determines how many hours you must work to harvest a certain amount of soy beans if your cousin, Jebediah, contracts Mad Cow Disease and urinates on 1/8 of the beans you harvest every 37 minutes. It also adds numbers together. Deerfield students needed to crunch numbers logically and in dozens of intelligent steps, a strategy that simply doesn’t work on the Illinois standardized tests where “anything goes.” Until Deerfield can get its numbers up on this life-determining test, it’s Blue Ribbon will temporarily be taken away. “This is an absolute shame,” said some administrator. “It is simply inexcusable that Deerfield students wouldn’t know how to deliver a calf when they are inevitably confronted with the situation as Illinois citizens.” In fact, Deerfield scored in the bottom 1% of the state in farm- proficiency, the only thing the test is really supposed to determine. As a result, Deerfield plans to make several changes to its course offerings and requirements.
First and foremost, the Freshman Advisory program will be cut because “there are no friends on an Illinois farm—only hard work and sadness.” Courses that teach evolution with be replaced with courses that teach the “why does it matter?” doctrine. Each homeroom will be responsible for a gaggle of geese, a warren of rabbits, and an agitated armadillo. Additionally, manure will be added as a medium for all AP Art classes.
These changes are undoubtedly going to cause a great deal of controversy, however, Deerfield’s sub-sub-par achievement on the obviously necessary Prairie State test cannot be continually ignored. Changes need to be made before every Deerfield graduate ends up on a farm not knowing how many scarecrows to install if he or she only has $75 dollars to spend, 28 pounds of hay and unlimited access to Cousin Steve’s dresser if each scarecrow has a scare radius of 1.5 acres.

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