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Satire Moves to the Top of the Carts
*Note to readers: Please do not read the following article in a sarcastic voice. By Travis Delmar Really, Travis Delmar wrote this As the floodgates open and more writers dabble…
Marijuana Illegalized in Zimbabwe, Hunger Issue Resolved
By Burford Stetson IDIJAMAMA, ZIMBABWE – Just last week, Zimbabwean government passed a legislative act outlawing “the possession, use, and/or distribution of marijuana and/or marijuana products.” This landmark new law…
Osama Bin Laden Found At Deerfield High School Turnabout
By Buford Stetson DEERFIELD, IL – Osama Bin Laden was found hiding on the dance floor this past weekend at the Deerfield High School turnabout. When asked how he chose…
Opinion: Found Nothing?! How About This Empty Gatorade Bottle?
By Butch, the Bomb-Sniffing German Shepherd Horray! I love coming to this place! There are never any bombs and always stuff to eat. I love eating! One time, I was—…
Erection! Bridge Construction Finally Complete
It has been a long, hard process, but the Edgewood Drawbridge is finally erect. The choice to lubricate the truss support has led to a very firm structure. Seamen are…
Opinion: This Whole Deal With Angels in America is Just So Gay
By Freddy Teenager NORTHBROOK, IL—I’ve only been following this media frenzy from across town, but come on guteenagerrrrys. From what I’ve heard this whole deal with the Angels in America…
Opinion: I’ll Take A Buffalo Chicken Sandwich With a Side of You
Bart “Little Man” Olykowski I’ll tell you what boys of Deerfield, if you are looking for a great looking sandwich with an even better looking waitress, The Cubby Bear is…
Apprentice Janitor at Zoo Remarkably Still Has Faith in Jesus
Dennis Colby, the man who won’t give up By Diego Goldfarb Salt Lake City, UTAH—Dennis Colby, 44, who was just hired as an apprentice janitor at Hogle Zoo has inspired…
Well Meaning Substitute Gym Teacher Fails to Impress
By Ren Ixley Substitue Teacher Chuck JonesWith whistle and clipboard in hand, first-time substitute P.E. teacher Chuck Jones showed up to the Exhibition Gym with a mission. “I’m going to…
You Really Must Wish You Were My Dog
BY VLAD VILSENT If there is one person whom I envy, any one person, it would have to be a great person. I’m pretty full of myself and therefore I…
Man Carries Around iPod Excessively; Turns into an iPod
by Professor Jahn Katsnelson EVERYWHERE, ON EARTH– Howard “Cotton” Gin was just your average human being. He had a normal job that he loved, a wife that he loved dearly,…
Local Student Remembers How He Almost Failed a Recorder Test
DEERFIELD- Tony Bafstander, 16 year old, Deerfield resident, reflects on his rough childhood, in which he overcame much adversity. Bafstander remembers the times of swinging on the swing in the…