San Diego Zoo—I can’t do it. I’m sorry America. I’m sorry China, and I’m sorry to all of the patrons at the San Diego Zoo. I’m especially sorry to all the pandas out there. Except Hua Mei. I will not mate with Hua Mei. I know you guys have really been hoping for a new set of panda twins, but it can’t be done.

I will not put up with Hua Mei’s antics. Everything has to be on her terms. WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE! THAT’S ALL SHE DOES! WHINE! And she only eats bamboo shoots of the slightest shade of green. She will only eat them when the sun is half covered by a cumulus cloud between the hours of 1:00 P.M.-1:25 P.M. precisely. She has to lay them out in sets of six and will only eat the middle sections of each one. I know that the rhinoceros across the way can attest to this behavior.

Hua Mei, more like NO WAY!

Hua Mei is the reason why we’re a dying species. Would you want to be forced to mate with someone named Hua Mei? I don’t think so.

If I were out in the wild, not only would we not mate, but I’d round up a ragtag bunch of Bamboo farmers and we’d boil a big pot of Hua Mei stew. Before we throw in a healthy helping of fresh Hua Mei meat right off the bone, we’ll rotisserie her to a simmer over an open fire. And as the chunks of Hua Mei meat cook to a golden crisp, we’d toss in the midsections of every bamboo shoot for miles around. And I’d enjoy every glorious morsel.

Am I being selfish? Yes.

Do I really understand the implications of my protest to mate? Indeed I do.

But will that stop me? No.

It’s not that I want to die, and it’s not that I don’t love kids. Believe me if I could have a bunch of little Shi Shi’s running around that would be a dream come true. But given the choice between Hua Mei or extinction, I’ll take extinction till the end of the species.

LOS ANGELES—With the success that American Idol has brought to the Fox Network, Fox has recently announced that, in alliance with the GOP, it will be producing “American Immigrant” for the upcoming fall lineup. President of Fox Rupert Murdoch thinks that this is a bold new step for television as a whole and sees this as an exciting new opportunity.

“Fox is looking to bank off not only the recent rise in interest in America that American Idol has brought on, but is also looking to use the recent immigration discussions in Congress to roll in ratings.”

The premise of the show involves taking immigrants and forcing them into a basic skills competition, where one by one they will be eliminated from the competition and deported to their respective countries by the audience watching at home, until the final winning immigrant will be awarded a green card and thirty dollars.

The first few rounds of the show will feature the participants battling each other in obstacle course-like contests that are rumored to consist of such events as shoe kicking, egg on a spoon races, three-legged sack races, and spinning their head on a baseball bat five times before completing a timed 50-yard dash. For most of these competitions, the contestants will be blindfolded.

“By completing such tasks, it will prove whether these immigrants will be able to deal with the hardships of American life on a much grander scale,” says show producer and “American Idol” creator Simon Fuller.

The show itself will draw its contestants from the pool of countless illegal immigrants currently in America, and twelve lucky contestants will be forced to participate. During the course of the competition, the contestants will have to live in only one Beverly Hills mansion, to get a taste of the American Dream that will likely be taken away from them.

As with any Fox show, there will be three judges presiding over the competition, telling America how each contestant is doing and ever so slightly reveal who the winner should be. Simon Cowell is said to be really excited about this new project.

“I’m going to treat all contestants fairly,” said Cowell. “If I feel like they haven’t handled that egg on the spoon well, I’m going to say so.”

After the number of contestants dwindles down to four, the final four contestants will have to complete much harder tasks. In the final episode, the remaining two participants will race to see which of the two can complete an elbow licking, then hack into the Pentagon, and finally write the great American novel.

According to Murdoch, “By having the final round consist of these tasks, we can promise the American viewer that the winning contestant and “new American immigrant” will be the most legal and best immigrant to ever step forth on American soil.”

Even if the show is massively successful, Fox representatives have said that they will absolutely NOT be reprising the show for a second season to let yet another illegal immigrant into the country, citing that the cost would be too great.

Recently, immediately after realizing that he was indeed President, George W. Bush also realized that his time in office was running out. Looking back on his tenure at President, he didn’t see anything that would mark his legacy for years to come. In order to do so, and have a little fun on the way, Bush announced at a recent press conference that he would be unifying North Dakota and South Dakota into one state known as The Dakota.

“The Dakota will bring North Dakotans and South Dakotans together as one, ending a feud that has lasted for more than a century,” says Bush.

Whether or not that feud had existed prior Bush’s announcement, it has lead to an eruption of state pride that has turned into a hatred not seen in America since the likes of the Civil War. North Dakotans are now accusing South Dakotans of slave running while South Dakotans are accusing North Dakotans of making illegal trade agreements with Canada.

A question also remains as to how the current Republican governors of North and South Dakota, John Hoeven and Michael Rounds, respectively, will share power. Although Bush has already named both of them as Co-Governors of The Dakota, a publicity blitz has begun to oust either governor on both sides of the Dakota state lines. The Anti-Michael Rounds of the former North Dakota is touting a campaign that uses “Michael Rounds is a Square,” while the Anti-John Hoeven campaign of South Dakota is using the campaign of “Hoeven Ain’t Got Love for The Dakota.”

If the Dakota dream does come true as Bush hopes, he is sure that it will spark tourism to the least exciting state in America. “I honestly don’t know what is down there,” Bush chuckled. “Heck, one state, two states, red state, blue state!”

Bush said he would go to any lengths necessary to unify the Dakotas, even if it means an invasion by the US army to the North/South Dakota state line. Democrats were outraged by this claim, but since they offered no viable solution as they often do, they said they wouldn’t stop The Dakota from becoming a reality.

Husband and wife Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf are known worldwide for their tennis talent and prowess on the court. But with the four and a half year anniversary of their son Jaden Gil’s birthday fast approaching, the two parents worry about their son’s future.

“[Jaden] has yet to swing his tennis racket properly,” says Agassi, who claims that he tries teaching the basics of tennis to his son day and night to no avail. “All he wants to do is stay at home and finger-paint. [Pete] Sampras is already giving me grief about his son Christian and how talented he is. The world might as well just hand Christian Sampras the Wimbledon title right now.”

While Agassi has never had a taste for modern art (he’s always considered himself a Renaissance type of guy), art critics are starting to take notice of the talented young Jaden.

“His use of shadow with his temperate colors seems to add a real flair to a lot of his early work,” says French critic Floyd Reauchambeau on his skills as a finger painter, “and I have yet to see his shadings with his blue and green colors be matched by any other preschooler in the western hemisphere.”

While the young Jaden Gil Agassi is beginning to receive notice in the art world, he has fallen out of favor with his parents, becoming their second favorite child to his three-year old sister. Graf said it was only a matter of time before this would happen.

“It’s rather elementary, the only reason Andre and I got together was to produce the world’s greatest tennis player,” says Graf. “As soon as Jaden had a falling out with tennis, our efforts turned to our daughter. We hope that within a few years, by the age of eight, she’ll be able to beat both of the Williams sisters at once.”

Four-year old Jaden currently resides in a smaller, one room garage beside the Agassi mansion, with only a few canvases and only the primary colors in finger-paint form, as provided unwillingly by his parents.

SAN FRANCISCO—After numerous steroid allegations that have been placed upon San Francisco Giants’ left fielder Barry Bonds since the 2001 season, Major League Baseball today realized they had him all wrong. George Mitchell, head of baseball’s new steroid investigation, held a startling press conference today to announce that Barry Bonds had been taking a substance long-known to increase strength and body mass.

“I am pleased to announce today that the investigation has been a smashing success,” said Mitchell. “While we cannot prove that Barry Bonds has taken steroids, we’ve been able to prove that he has eaten spinach, also a performance-enhancing substance.”

These allegations stunned a bewildered Barry Bonds, who is now in fear of suspension.

Bonds, contrary to popular belief, will not be the first baseball player indicted on charges of spinach. Popeye McGuire, who played in the 1950s on the Reds, was a little known slugger who ate spinach like it was his job. He hit seven home runs a game for the first fifteen games until they figured him out and erased all of his numbers from the record books.

The public wonders now…does that same fate await Barry Bonds?

“I never knowingly ate spinach,” said Barry Bonds during a recent batting practice interview. “And even if I did eat spinach, I could name for you at least fifty other sluggers who have. So there.”

Whether or not Barry Bonds’ records will be thrown out remains in question.

“This is only the second time baseball has dealt with a legitimate spinach allegation,” said Bud Selig, commissioner of Major League Baseball. “There are too many determining factors that come along with spinach, whether the spinach was creamed or in full leaf form, etc., etc. We’d have to look at the eating habits of nearly all of baseball’s past heroes, including Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and the great Honus Wagner in order to give Barry Bonds’s records true weight.”

An aging Popeye McGuire offered his opinion on the recent spinach scandal to make sure the nation’s youth doesn’t get the wrong message. “Back in my day, I thought I could eat spinach till the cows came home and there would be no problems about that,” said Popeye. “Now that I’m a decrepit old man, I see the mistakes of my past. Spinach is only temporary, eating right and exercising are the only way to make not only your body but also your mind stronger as well.”

Only time will tell whether these spinach allegations tarnish the career of Bonds, but for now, they linger as just slightly more than hearsay.

To help ease the problem before it becomes a pandemic, the FDA has announced that it will be releasing a drug made specifically for Senioritis.

“We’re not looking to make miracles, and we’re not hoping for any either,” said Andrew C. von Eschenbach, M.D., top official of the FDA. “Senioritis starts at the brain, and works its way down the body from there. We have to act fast.”

School officials are excited about what the new drug can offer.”By getting our seniors hooked on drugs with positive effects, we might not only be able to curve this Senioritis pandemic, but also be able to offer the medicine as a positive drug alternative.”

Not everyone though feels that the drug will have positive effects, “When I first heard about Senioritis, I thought it meant that we’d be getting a load of Spanish señoritas as foreign exchange students,” said local DHS Senior Tony Carson, “and as far as this so-called drug is concerned, I oppose anything that prevents foreign girls from giggling at my wisecracks by the cafeteria heaters.”

The side effects of the drug are unknown, but they may include sore throat, nausea, and a list of three hundred others. Be on the lookout for Senioritis, whose symptoms include not caring at all and sweaty palms.