A Farewell Piece

AP exams have finally come to an end and the reflection of the past four years has only just begun. We’ve had some good laughs here at The Flipside, often at the expense of you, the reader. You shouldn’t be offended, because we have made our best effort to make fun of everyone equally.

If I’ve learned anything over the past four years, it’s this: high school is not four years of preparation for college; it’s preparation to determine whether others will be attending the right college. How can you tell if you’re going to the wrong place? Well, I can help you. Here are the Top 10 Reasons You’re Attending the Wrong College:

Number 10: You’re majoring in “English accents and why they sound funny”

Number 9: You’re going to your 3rd choice, meaning your applications to University of Wrigley Field and Chicago Cubs Institute were denied

Number 8: You haven’t found out yet that your roommate watches Scrubs reruns at least four times a day.

Number 7: Gymnasium doubles as the physics department

Number 6: Most notable alumnus is Eliot Spitzer

Number 5: Professors often run in to class late wearing fast food uniform

Number 4: College is spelled “Koledge”

Number 3: Financial aid offer includes tickets to Schaumberg Flyers game

Number 2: Accepted you with an essay entitled “D=A: My High School’s Messed up Grading System”

Number 1: Website statistics include “79% of graduates out on parole in four years”

I hope you have found my column useful in the past year. Thank you to those who actually read this (you can pick up your prize in Mr. Motzko’s classroom X-121) and for not throwing The Flipside on the floor after half finishing the sudoku. Oh, and by the way, for those of you who still don’t understand, it’s “pick up and drop off.” (Now I get it!)

DEERFIELD, IL – It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Wait, no, it’s just the worst of times. With gas prices pushing four dollars per gallon, consumers have been forced to use the cash stashed under the mattress to keep the car moving. One local man, Steve Goldens, does not share the now common hatred for the oil company. No, he does not work for Mobil. No, he does not own 500 shares in British Petroleum. No, he does not own a car. Yes, he’s that annoying guy who rides his bike on the side of the road when he could easily be using the sidewalk.

Bicyclists like Steve Goldens have become more and more common since gas prices started rising like 70 years ago. The Great Depression led to an exponential increase in the price of oil, even though most people had to sell their cars. The cat food shortage of 1967 established a mass hysteria which ultimately created a rise in gas prices; historians are still trying to figure that one out. But today’s local bicyclist chooses to “peddle” instead of “roll with my homies” because of the freedom involved, the freedom to mess with the people in cars by (1) hogging the road (2) using very confusing turn signals and (3) having an excuse to wear spandex. The real answer is simple; Deerfield has seen an increase in the number of bicyclists because of record highs at the pump.

“I got rid of my car years ago,” explained Steve Goldens. “It just didn’t make fiscal sense to keep it with the price of gas constantly on the rise. Now that I have the bicycle, I really couldn’t care less about gasoline prices or traffic, for that matter. Make that Steve Golden 1, Oil Companies, uh, well like 3 billion I guess.”

Earthworks insisted on commenting about the increase in bicyclists. They released this statement yesterday, “It’s great to see so many people on the bike instead of in the car. It really, really is. It’s just so great, it is. What did you ask again?”

By Picov Andropov

Vice President of External Affairs

LAS VEGAS, NV – Unlike the popular big screen debut of 21, in which MIT students make thousands of dollars playing blackjack by counting cards, a lesser known 22 went straight to video cassette. Desperate for money, five seniors from College of Lake County taught themselves how to count cards, or so they thought.

Despite hours trying to attain the difficult skill of counting cards, the students actually ended up losing money. What with the expensive plane tickets and hotel rooms in Las Vegas and, oh yeah, the fact that they were mathematically challenged, ultimately contributed to this furthering deficit in money. “We’re uh, we’re not that great at counting cards,” said one student. “Most of us need calculators to keep up with the dealers. Even so, most of the time we would end up with 22 or, sometimes, 31, which isn’t even possible if you think about it.” Security does not take kindly to calculators on blackjack tables, as several of the students were thrown out as a result.

It’s wasn’t that they didn’t know how to count cards, it’s just they weren’t great at it. “We were making dumb mistakes, like mistaking 6 for 9. Other than that, I don’t know what went wrong.”

Not even cheating could help them succeed. “Gambling’s a funny thing. We can play the probability and lose, or we can cheat and lose, either way, we’re going to lose.”

The students plan to give up their dreams of becoming professional blackjack players, accountants, and tax consultants. We’ve all learned a valuable lesson from the student’s mistakes; if you can’t count, don’t try to count cards.

Senior News Correspondent

CHICAGO, IL – One of the areas leading cat trainers, Scott Tender, checked himself into rehab late last night for an addiction all too common in his field. Catnip, which has kept millions of cats occupied from their rather non-invigorating lifestyles, can have devastating effects on more than just felines.

Fresh off an IAMS photo shoot, which featured several cat models that Tender has trained and styled, Scott was found rolling around the back of his ‘89 Ford Cavalier with 3.4 kilos of the banned substance Nepeta cataria, or catnip for short. “It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before,” said Barry Black, the man who found Tender. “It was if he was trying to rip open the yarn like pouch with his teeth and feet at the same time.” Black found the woozy Tender near the home of Tender’s mother and did not turn him in to authorities, as Tender agreed to check into rehab.

Tender will receive full care at a nearby rehab center which specializes in animal substance addictions. They will first accommodate him with a ball of yarn, and then make sure to rub behind his ears.

Don’t worry. Tender, and the rehab facility for that matter, did not harm any cats in the fight against his addiction. Only the dignity and respect of cats everywhere, and the ticket revenue of a nearby cat museum, were injured.

HIGHLAND PARK, IL – The Chicago Botanic Garden has been debating how to make its natural wonders available to more than just local residents. In a Tuesday press conference, the decision to put forth all of their funds towards a new website was made official. The gardens will shut down as a result of a nothing less than stunning website design.

Bulldozing of the Garden’s thousands of acres will begin sometime this spring to make way for a series of mini-malls. The land is still open for potential buyers. ‘Using fast food restaurants and discount hair salons to attract people will be much more successful than what we were doing before,’ said one spokesperson. ‘Flowers and trees just weren’t bringing in the masses like they used to.’

The designers of the new website believe that nature lovers, tree huggers, and the like will find the electronic garden better than the once ‘real’ garden. Internet users will be able to browse all the plants and animals originally located within the gardens. High definition photographs (coming soon) give everyone the ability to experience nature right in their own homes. The Director of Public Affairs, Jean Machine, told the Flipside, ‘All the experiences of an actual garden are there. Only this time, when you see a cute little squirrel or agile hummingbird on your screen, you can click on it to reveal a whole bundle of fun facts: habitat information, diet, mating rituals, and a detailed explanation of its taxonomical classification.’ A set audio playlist of various cricket and bird chirp noises will join the website early this summer.

One excited family has already made plans to take a trip to the new website. ‘It’s already down on the calendar for April,’ explained Fred Meade. ‘We’ve already bought two new rolls of film and a picnic basket. We’re all so excited!’

Unfortunately, plans for cyber tours have yet to be announced, but are expected after the tour guides are ‘fully trained.’

MCHENRY, IL – Cecil Daniels, a 32 year old surgeon, used to be neurotic about littering. He has admitted to keeping trash bags in his Toyota Prius to pick up and throw away garbage on the street. Since childhood, Daniels said, he was aware of the effects of littering, an attitude created by a public service announcement.

That has since changed. “These ‘eco’ products are amazing, they’ve totally changed my life,” Daniels told The Flipside. “Now, I just toss my used Fifth Generation brand paper plates out of my car window, with the comfort of knowing they’ll soon be absorbed into the earth.”

The growing trend of “green” product packaging, which underlines recycled, biodegradable post-consumer paper materials that rely less on petroleum, has created a spontaneous trashing of sidewalks, roadsides, wildernesses, and, yes, Segway paths. Although many environmentalists were surprised by the latest trend in littering, experts say it is here to stay. “The shame attached to littering has finally been put to rest,” said the head of Earthworks, Mrs. Vegan. “With manufacturers packaging goods in unbleached, biodegradable, cornstarch based papers and plastics, more people will throw away their garbage wherever is convenient, knowing that it will safely decompose within the next 15 or so years.”

The growing reaction form “neo-litterbugs” like Cecil Daniels has been nothing less than gleeful. Scientists have seen a 9% increase in highway littering since the end of 2007 and researchers have no reason to believe that this rate won’t increase.

To prevent further littering, many environmentalists demand that Congress pass legislation forcing all packages to be coated with a nonbiodegradable toxin that can kill wildlife unless products are properly disposed of in garbage bags. They hope people will then question the morality of littering and ultimately begin recycling again, the “proper way.”

DEERFIELD, IL – The Science Club released its findings on its first experiment late last night. Its purpose, to determine whether listening in Health class has an effect on one’s grade, was initially proposed by the club’s sophomore members. “Now that most of us have finished Health class,” said the head spokesperson for the sophomores, “we were able to reflect on how, well, we really didn’t need to come to class to get an A.” The semester long test examined six different Health courses and monitored the amount of time each student “paid attention” in relation to their semester grade. The procedures define “attention” as “[…] the ability to withstand temptation to text message, listen to one’s iPod, or doodle while maintaining total concentration on the teacher regardless of how self-explanatory the current subject is.”

Based upon the data, no correlation was found between attention and semester grades (see Figure 1: “The Effect of Dozing Off in Health Class on Performance”). Therefore, it is safe to say that listening in health class has no effect on one’s performance in the course.

This conclusion has come a little late for one tired sophomore. “I worked so hard in that class. I took notes on every chapter. Color coded and everything. But now that I know I could have slept in class, and still gotten the same grade, I feel used man…used.” That’s not to say that others did not need the study to come to this realization. “I couldn’t even tell you who my teacher was,” said one Health student who took pride in his lack of effort and attention. “And besides, it doesn’t even matter because that wasn’t a question on the final, so I was ok.”

By Picov Andropov

DEERFIELD, IL – What man can say that he has never thought of pulling the fire alarm? Well, a blind one I guess; but then again, perhaps he, too. Its greatness is measured not only by its sleek red and white design, shiny plastic cover, and simple directions, but by its power. That is why it has tempted me so.

I choose not to unleash its destruction because it lies all the way over there. The consequences don’t bother me. Is it too much to ask for a conveniently placed fire alarm? I don’t want to have to walk to P hall to find one. I don’t have time for that. I say we should live in a world where there is a fire alarm next to every light switch. Why do light switches have more rights than fire alarms? We need to think safety here.

I for one believe that a world with more fire alarms ensures us all a safer and much more intriguing future. The phrase “fire drill” will take on completely new meaning. What is that ringing? It is the sound of love.

CHICAGO, IL – St. Nicholas wasn’t his jolly self this Christmas, as he found himself the victim of a speed trap. At about 3:30 a.m., Chicago Police pulled over the red suited gift giver near Lake Shore Dr. and Monroe. “The owner of a 1245 red slay convertible, with landing gear attachment standard, was clocked at 1,498 mph and arrested soon after. The suspect exceeded the speed limit by 1,468 mph. According to Illinois state law, driving at more than 20 mph over the speed limit is a felony. His case will likely be tried as a superfelony due to such excessive speeds,” said one police spokesperson in a press conference last week.

There are other charges pending against Mr. Clause. Trying to excuse himself from the ticket, Santa told the officer that he had “special gifts to deliver.” The officer then searched the slay for illicit material.

Many children were disappointed at the lack of gifts under their tree. Santa works from east to west (benefit of time zones), so no gifts were delivered west of Chicago. One 7-year-old boy from Los Angeles told The Flipside, “It’s a good day to be Jewish!”

As for the reindeer, they were impounded. Whether to a car lot or animal shelter is unknown at this hour. Perhaps next year, Santa can have his elves install radar detectors on his dashboard.

FAIRFAX, VA – Tensions were high yesterday as members of the Screen Actors Guild and Writers Guild of America took part in a reenactment of the Cold War. The current strike has limited the production of television and film and has created many bored actors and writers. “I’ve just been sitting here,” says comedian and television host David Letterman. “I’ve been making smart-alec jokes all day and Paul can’t even fake laugh at them.”

The action took place outside of the Cold War Museum, which is actually just a file cabinet filled with suspicion. Each Guild was enclosed in separate warehouses. The Actors, containment oriented Americans, and Writers, communist spreading Russians, spent the day trying to determine the next move of the enemy. “We actually sent Michael Ironside to spy on the Russians. They’ll never know he’s not a writer, the guy hasn’t worked in forever,” said Alec Baldwin.

With espionage and accusations at their highest, onlookers witnessed the expansion of territory, the creation of nuclear missiles and rocketships, communist “witch” hunts and trials, the building of walls and curtains made of iron, SALT, SALT II, the destruction of walls, an invasion involving pigs, plans of Marshall and Truman, various coups, and Star Wars (not the movie, although that was scheduled for after the reenactment). Of course, none of this actually happened, it was just talked about, reconsidered, rereconsidered and written down, only to be confirmed or refuted by spies.

One family was very disappointed at the spectacle. “We traveled all the way from Jersey,” said Coger Rlemens. “All I could see were the telescopes pointed towards the opposite warehouses.” Interesting, the warehouses were ten feet apart.