DEERFIELD, IL—In a recent report by the Illinois Health in Education Association, it was revealed that the drinking fountains outside of D-Hall at Deerfield High School produce water that does not meet water-quality standards for the state. Not only that, the yellow hue of the water led many of the researches to confuse it for yellow Gatorade.

Further investigation revealed that the water is in fact not from a Deerfield Reservoir, and was part of a pipeline confusion from the recent gas leak construction Water Analysis expert Howard Brunold explained, ‘It just didn’t make sense. F-Hall was giving first rate water. So was the boys’ locker room and X-hall for that matter. This water was not from any reservoir in Deerfield, let alone Lake County.’

The origins of the foreign water have not yet been discovered, but traces of sugar, magnesium, and other electrolytes were found. Investigators have begun testing the most at-risk users of the water, and have found them to be much more hydrated than those who are drinking out of normal water fountains.

One D-Hall water fountain user, freshman Paul Illiet commented, ‘I just thought that shade of water meant that it was bad, or that it was accidentally rerouted from the bathrooms.’

The researchers have still not ruled this out as a possibility.

Several radical experts have claimed that this may not be a case of Gatorade at all, but the much diluted Propel or Gatorade Rain. ‘This would explain the slight yellowish tint,’ explains Dr. Omanquinon. However, this is all water under the bridge in light of the Extreme Cuisine scandal.

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By Flagstaff Roberts

DEERFIELD, IL—After the Fall Fine Arts Assembly and the Benefit Concerts, there have been a surge of recent complaints about the unjust perpetuation of religions inequality within the Deerfield community. A spectator observed, “Those hats—they’re just always there, and I just don’t like them.”

In the wake of controversy, several key sopranos refused to sing “Jingle Bells,” the “Jingle Bell Rock,” and “Eight Little Reindeer,” only singing traditional Jewish songs such as “Hava Nagila” and “Sing We of Hanukkah.”

Christian members of the singing group who did not think innocent songs such as “Jingle Bells” presented any problems were accused of having a religious bias.

As the issue escalated, the Jewish Choralier members declared an all out strike, which greatly affected the holiday spirit.

Stalemate sidelined Choraliers until recently. In an ingenious political compromise, it was agreed that the Choraliers would sport kipot (or yarmulkes, the traditional Jewish head-covering) under their famous Santa hats so that they could unveil them during Hanukkah songs in a dramatic change of costume.

Several members were interviewed on the effects of the clothing mandate. Sophomore member of Choraliers Laney Keeshin was ecstatic at the new change. “I think it’s good that we are promoting religious tolerance. We did have a disproportionate number of Christmas songs.” She questions, however, “If this spirit continues, how will we ever balance Kwanzaa hats on top of the Santa ones?” Difficult questions for difficult times.

Atheists are still unsure about the incident; they all favor no headwear at all. But as long as the controversy continues, you need not worry—“Fruitcake” is pretty neutral.

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