BY BARRY LAMAR BONDS

I’ve had success on the diamond, but with America’s changing culture, I want success in reality television. I mean, you’ve got athletes doing shows these days, and I want in.

This also gives me a shot to express my feelings and frustrations about these steroid allegations, which is exactly what they are, allegations.

I’m just trying to give the people a look into what my life is really like. It’s tough being Barry Bonds. I mean, I have to worry about editing my show, my elbow and knee injuries, tickets for fans, hitting homers and hoping to win a few games. The show takes a lot out of me, at the end of the day I just need to rest and relax.

But, I think overall the show will be huge, just like my biceps (wait, I wasn’t supposed to actually write that). Who wouldn’t want to listen to me in a quiet, lighted room discussing what my life is all about? The show is going to be a great success; I know it will be. And to clarify the name of the show, it’s Barry Bonds talking about Barry Bonds, it’s as simple as that. It’s not Barry Bonds speaking on savings bonds, ain’t no body wants to hear that. They want Barry, and that’s what I’m going to give them.

When he was reliving one of his childhood joys, shopping, he happened to see his middle school music teacher, Mrs. Forming. He was overcome with joy when he had seen this kind lady who had once taught Tony to play piano. “Hello Mrs. Forming, how are you? I haven’t seen you in ages,” Tony said politely.

Mrs. Forming stared at this unique teen, squinted and said “Oh my, is that Tony Bafstander?” Bafstander instantly cracked a smile and nodded familiarizing Mrs. Forming with her former student. “Oh my gosh. I totally remember you. You were my only student that almost failed the recorder test! I can’t believe its you Tony,” Mrs. Forming boasted.

Tony’s face turned apple red. Sweat dripped down his smooth forehead as juice from an orange drips down its side when being sliced in two. “Mrs. Forming, you must have me confused with another student. I was a student many years ago, there must be some kind of misunderstanding,” Bafstander mumbled softly.

“I’m positive that was you Tony. The kids had to play Hot Cross Buns and you played…a bunch of squeaks that sounded like a horrible Vengaboys song. I almost had to fail you. It’s all coming back to me. I’ve never failed a student on the recorder test before, but you were by far the closest,” Mrs. Forming said chuckling and grasping her stomach.

Bafstander started to shake, emotions were bottling up inside him. He turned around, in pure anger that this moment had been recalled to his memory. He left the department store with frustration, and a want to punch the lights out of something. But he didn’t and still lives in Deerfield.

STUDENT UNION-Hopes were up with a cycle 34 day lingering in the near future. But, little did we know that controversy would break out in the serene “Student Union.”

A game was being played in tournament format with all three essentials. Rock-Paper-Scissors. Fierce and mighty competitor Johnathan Woodson was cleaning out the field of 16 contenders all competing for the right to be declared “Rock-Paper-Scissors Champion,” and a plaque in the Student Union.

With referees Peter Cullins and Bob Jamison closely eyeing the players, there was clearly no cheating going on, or at least we thought so.

With the semifinals coming to a closure, the competitive attitude was too much for defending champ Yoky Flanders to handle.

We had our final. A classic duo. David vs. Goliath, Ali vs. Frazier and now Woodson vs. Gunnersberg.

In a series best of 5, the score was at a deadlock 2-2. Hearts would be broken and careers would be made. No matter what happend, both of their lives were going to change forever.

Woodson chose rock, and Gunnersberg, choose the reliable paper (picture above). Woodson was petrified. Gunnersberg jumped in victory and pumped his fist through the air like he just dont care.

But, it appeared Gunnersberg had released his paper split seconds after Woodson had released the daring rock. Bob Jamison reviewed the tape and it was clear that he did make his decision too late. A decision that has changed his life.

This scandal will go down as one of the biggest in Deerfield High School Township history along with the time Randolph lost his essay in the library. And to this moment, may Jon Woodson’s plaque lay in the Student Union with pride.

-Colonel Repture(Staff Writer)