BY VLAD VILSENT

If there is one person whom I envy, any one person, it would have to be a great person. I’m pretty full of myself and therefore I think I rock already, so to envy someone, it is big news to me. But the person, well thing, whom I envy the most, is my old, senile dog. He rocks.

A Day In the Life Of My Old Senile Dog

5:24 AM Run into my room and roll on the ground growling. Perhaps he hates my carpet. He hates it so much, that he is will to sit there barking at it for twenty minutes, even when I throw my pillow at him. That is dedication.

5:44 AM While he’s in the neighborhood, he might has well use his front paws to drag himself across the ground outside my room to clean his backside. My vet says he is cleaning his anal glands. To much mucus there. Now that is good hygiene.

5:50 AM Sleep on back occasionally twitching hind leg.

7:06 AM my dad whistles to tell my dog it’s time to go out, and my half-deaf dog sleeps.

7:06:15 AM another whistle. Again, no response.

7:06:24 AM I throw my pillow at him to wake him

7:07 AM he walks around the block with my Father, Dr, His Honor, Dearest ®

7:30 AM he gets back from his walk and sleeps underneath the window sill where the heating vent is. As far as I can tell, he remains there until I get back from school.

4:20 PM he is let out to the backyard where he will bark at airplanes. My dog gets kinda ticked at things flying less then 30,000 feet above our house.

6:30 PM there are six people in my family. At dinner, all six of us feel a need to slip our dog table scraps. Free food. Also at dinner, it is a hobby for my dog to play, “Steal the Seat Of the Human That Gets Up.” He usually wins. To get seconds, one needs to barb-wire their chair.

6:53 PM he licks the crumbs off of the floor that my younger sister drops

6:55 PM he vomits the crumbs off of the floor that my younger sister drops

7:10 PM sleep on my homework as a way to say, “screw you, I’m old, but can still win”

7:12 PM I must lore my dog away from my French work by giving more food. He prefers dried salami as a lore.

7:14 PM throws up dried salami. Then, the boy who gave him the salami must clean it. Again, “screw you, I’m old, but can still win.” He is good.

7:15 PM drinks from the toilet to get rid of the bad taste of blown chunks (irony?)

7:16-10:00 PM he attempts to bite off his own tail until my dad leashes his for his last walk of the day.

10:30-5:24 he sleeps

Please, tell me this animal is not the greatest hero. He totally rocks. He probably gets about fifteen hours of sleep a day. He gets good exercise and is good to commitment. The best part is, he doesn’t take any guff from anybody (you dirty airplanes!). I think we can all say, it’s a dog’s life. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to bite my tail off.

Popularity: 4% [?]

Dr. Seuss has been acclaimed for many of his children’s works. The reason for his genius is his ability to bring into his short stories real world problems that the children have either heard before or can relate to. For instance, The Lorax depicts the global littering problem and shows the consequences to this predicament as well. The Butter Battle Book shows the effect of the Cold War on families and governments. Yet all those who are avid Dr. Seuss readers have overlooked the greatest of his short stories, Hop on Pop, which has taught three generations about life and suffering.

The problem that has torn apart America for decades is the problem of “big business.” Far too many times has a small business had to sell out to a bigger business because the bigger business has been able to lower prices. This has always led to a monopoly and a failing economy. Dr. Seuss cries for anti-trust laws in his Hop on Pop on page six and seven when he claims, “Mouse, house. Mouse on house. House mouse. House on mouse.” The symbolism Dr. Seuss uses when he gives the metaphor comparing the mouse to small business is astounding. The house, of course, then represents big business. As the mouse sits upon the house, it shows an equal partnership between the two. But this can only happen when the mouse (or small business) comes first. This explains first sentence where the mouse is listed first. When the needs of the small business are taken care of, then there is an equal share in responsibility to the customer and equal, fair, competition to help both sides. The second picture depicts the mouse struggling over a hill carrying the house; this could only mean that when big business is taken care of first, their prices cannot be matched by the smaller business, and they will struggle.

The problem which today’s generation still has trouble comprehending is the problem of racism. Dr. Seuss evidently congregates this problem in his book when the victim lies in the ethnicity of “brown.” Everyone hears from a small age of racism and its ability to hurt, yet only Seuss is daring enough to show it to children. “Brown down. Pup is down. Where is brown? … Mr. Brown is out of town” (Seuss 44-47). The dog, named Pup, is seen as a superior to Mr. Brown. This is seen when Pup is able to knock Brown off of the scale. This shows he carries more weight in society. This also shows how Brown is less powerful than a dog. This is also seen when Mr. Brown is thrown out of town by the dog. The dog smiles as Mr. Brown flies out of town. He is pleased to see his hate crime in actions while Mr. Brown’s frown is seen all over town; the dog has put down the masses below on ground. Seuss also shows that when one is denied rights, he will come back to fight, stronger than before. This is apparent when Mr. Brown comes back with Mr. Black. They smile and eat a last dinner with the pup before an inevitable fight.

This educational book opens the eyes of its younger readers by showing sexism in action. This book is in the “easy reader’s” section and therefore is meant to be read by the young and the impressionable. After reading this book twenty-six times front to back, I realized that there is no mention of anyone of the female gender. Of course, because it is a Seuss book, there are characters without a sex at all. Seen through names like Ned, Pat, Will, and Jim, it is apparent that there are no girls in this book besides a depressed mother with an illiterate child, (page 58-60) and her daughter. Both aren’t given names, yet most men in the book are. This is saying that women don’t deserve names and that men are superior. This patriarchal ideology it instills upon children is that in order for women to get ahead in life they must be literate. If the world were left to men, there would only be depressed dads and children jumping on their parents.

The genius of Dr. Seuss is overwhelming and secretive. Though Seuss hides it well in some books, in others, such as Hop on Pop, the meaning is obvious and thought provoking. In this short book, he teaches children about life and how to get by. Be free, be creative, and screw big business.

Popularity: 1% [?]

BY R. CUVERNSTALE

Happy Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day! Fruitcake, latkes, and Kwanza fruit are all abound. Today, December 17, is the day we celebrate nothing. It is truly the most wonderful time of the year. There is nothing that can be wrong or anything that can be disputed when nothing is being celebrated on this day of celebrating nothing.

Every family will start out each day by eating a breakfast made from nothing but tofu. Tofu eggs, bacon, and soy milk. Nothing sweet because that would represent goodness and if there is goodness, then there must be badness. Thus religion is implied.

The next tradition is the sharing of constructive criticism. It is started off by people sitting in a circle, shouting at others.

This day brings families together by forcing them to not leave their property line the entire day and not use the heater. Body warmth will bring everyone closer together in a literal and insightful way.

While shivering, the traditional Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day song will be sung:

We’re so happy to be here

I wish we could feel our toes

But for now we are happy

‘cause everyone knows

it’s Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day

it’s Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day

yay yay Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day

After the singing is over and the fire of burning material possessions has smoldered, there is free time. People can play in the snow (but not snowmen without snow-women). People can stare at things, also. It’s great fun.

The parade starts at the time one cannot tell the difference between purple and blue at night. People in the parade are wearing all black, as to not make anyone see them, and they carry incandescent flagpoles poles. There will be no flags to anger any bystanders. They are followed by people carrying large sacks full of pieces of paper, which they will crumple and throw at the audience to make sure they pay attention. The Shriners will be riding miniature non-denominational donkeys (donkeys are the nondenominational horse/mule). The band will be five people whose instruments do not have mouthpieces. For no mouthpieces means no music to offend anyone. The large balloons will be shaped like balloons.

As the sun just slinks below the horizon, rocks are given out. One rock will be handed out for each person. These rocks symbolize the middle road. They have no purpose but to inspire. Also at sunset, there is silent meditation for three hours, and then sleep.

Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day is celebrated every prime numbered year. Have a safe holiday and whatever you celebrate, celebrate it with people or can tolerate. Happy Whatever!

Popularity: 1% [?]

by Austin Graypad

Recently, I have been asked about super heroes, or more specifically, super powers. What super power is the greatest super power of all? Well, as an M.D. in super hero affairs, I have come to learn that super powers are a very delicate thing and must accent the way you will use them.

If one could have any super power that he would save the world with, it would definitely be immortality. The tricky thing about super powers is to get combinations correct. Being tortured for all of eternity by evildoers can come with immortality and therefore, it must be paired with invincibility.

With the knowledge that one cannot feel physical pain and cannot die, courage is not in absence. Fighting will be easy because you can never get tired, and because you never get hurt, getting old comes in only age, not appearance.

For those of us that just want super powers for the fun of it or because we are lazy, the perfect power would be teleportation paired with invisibility.

Invisibility is a very touchy subject in the super world. For one thing, would ones clothes become invisible with the person who occupies them? Would you be able to walk through walls and furniture? Would dogs still be able to see you? Could you still make noise? All of these questions need to be answered when picking the perfect strength of invisibility. Personally, I would say that clothes and anything (or anyone) that touches the person that is going invisible, while he is going invisible, should go invisible with him or her. Any solid could be walked through and no dog would be the wiser.

Teleportation is another story. There is only one big question that needs to be answered before choosing this power; do you have to see the place before you teleport to it? The answerer is yes. If one wants to teleport to Quebec to pet a Mounty, then he just can’t think the word Quebec, he might either land on an almanac under the Canada section, or in the blistering cold of the French section of Canada. He could end up anywhere in the entire province. This is not good. POOF! To the fridge for a soda! The more specific, the better.

Super powers are a touchy subject and when choosing one, one can miss a detail so important that his life might be ruined. So heed this warning, before conducting any crime fighting, with or without super powers, please do some research on the subject first and ask you doctor.

Common mistakes made by Super Heroes-

· Don’t combine the ability to make water and to make fire because then you’d end up with some weird name like “Steam Boy,” or “Mr. Mist.”

· Flying is not all that it is cut out to be. When above the clouds, the sun it hot. Not to mention the bugs flying in your nose, mouth, and eyes. Also, try breathing in that high of altitude.

· Don’t combine the ability to control animals and ability to become any animal. If you get caught under your own spell… disaster.

· Reading minds is fun until you learn something you don’t want to know, “It’s a good thing he doesn’t know I’m not his real father.”

· Time travel is always disastrous

· If you have a super name starting with “doctor” or, “the ultimate,” you are setting yourself up to be a villain

· Morbid obesity is not fun

· Running at the speed of light is tiring work

· Being a karate master does not go far in this age of technology

· Controlling weather is a horrible power due the fact that the enemy can see where you’ve been and where you are going by switching to the Weather Channel.

Stupid powers-

· Being able to create beer

· Turning into water

· Sumo wrestling ability

· Virus controller

· Spontaneous combustion (”Mr. President, the world could be saved by…”

BOOM)

· Honestly, when will X-ray vision come in handy?

· Controlling vegetation (”Grow Cucumber!”)

· Breathing fire started the rule of no kissing on the first date

· Spasms

· Ability to speak in rhyme

· Ability to taste and identify all mustards

· Ability to talk to animals (squirrels are so chatty)

· Knowing all prime numbers

· Knowing the recipe for the perfect lemonade

So for all of you who are planning on becoming a super hero soon I advise you to beware, and eat your green vegetables.

Popularity: 2% [?]