A few weeks ago, in a dark, dark basement, over five middle-aged men huddled together, and spoke in quiet whispers. They could not risk being heard by anybody for fear that their plan might be leaked. You see,

they still contained the element of surprise, something that would prove crucial to the success of their entire operation. These five people were the best and brightest of their time.

They were mailmen. And they wanted revenge. They had been pushed around

for too long. So, with their spirits all but broken, a few brave souls took it upon themselves to mount one final stand against their oppressors. Irwin Edelson, a veteral mailman since ‘73, commented: “Those damn dogs have picked on us since the beginning of time. Mailmen around the world de- serve better, so we plan to make that dream a reality!” Edelson himself has felt the wrath of the evil dogs, having to get stitches on his backside on sev- enteen separate occations from being bitten by dogs. He has also broken a wrist, nose, and has had both of his

hips replaced. “Enough is enough!” So, after weeks of careful planning, the group of mailmen finally took action this past Tuesday, sneaking out into the dark, moonless night. They declined to explain what hap- pened after. The next morning came screams of dismay from all corners of Deerfield. Dog owners stared in hor- ror at the crates that once housed a beautiful Golden Retriever or Labra- doodle, because every single dog in this great town had been replaced by a cat. “Ewww! cats throw up those gross hairballs! They make me puke!” Says outraged and disgusted now- cat owner John Hayes. “I’m allergic to cats! What am I supposed to do about this? God, I’m so itchy!” Exclaims Deer-

field resident Paula Sternstein. The town was in chaos, though in- terestingly, everybody got their mail

a little earlier today.

Nathan Hurwitz, a freshman on the Deerfield High School Football team, went missing late Saturday morning. He was last seen by his teammates running sprints while humming “Party in the U.S.A.” softly to himself at around 11:15 am on the football field.
There is much speculation as to what may have happened to Nathan. The most probable explanation is that he ran across the 50-yard line and was sucked into that muddy black hole and spit out into another, better universe where the football fields are made up of grass, and only grass.
That mud had been plaguing the football players for the past week after the days upon days of non-stop rain. Varsity linebacker Rick Short gave us his imput on the situation after the team’s recent victory over Glenbrook North. “Don’t go near there, man. That place is dangerous. Why won’t the school fix our field? We are playin in 98 percent mud every game!” As Short spoke, I couldn’t help but notice the frog desperately trying to escape from the hardened mud that had caked on his arm. Short did not seem to notice or mind. The school declined to comment.
I Digress.
The school has decided to call off the search if Hurwitz is not found by Thursday. Some students say that if you listen carefully, you can still hear him humming “Party in the U.S.A.” just like he was doing that fateful night.

Students were up in arms today, as The Flipside was released in solely black and white copies. “How could something so terrible happen?” the masses wondered. As inconsid­erate as it may seem, the decision actually came from the death of a beloved international icon – Roy G. Biv. Yes, it’s true – yesterday, the Nobel Peace Prize winner, painter, and well known schizophrenic passed away, and as tribute to the colorful celebrity, The Flipside will from this moment forward be published in black and white.

But is it a cause for concern? Well, of course it is! No­body wants to look at a boring, colorless Infographic! In an interview with Senior Flipside Correspondent James Pickard, Jr., veteran reader, Sam Graham, exclaimed, “Now I might actually have to start reading the articles since you made the rest of The Flipside boring!” It was later revealed that Graham was in fact illiterate, though his illegitimate words were still taken to heart.

Still, others were in favor of eliminating color to re­member Mr. Biv. Sophomore Gregory Miller said, “After all the inspiration he gave to kindergarten kids across the world, I’m glad someone is finally giving him his due!”

After these testimonies and more were heard and considered, The Flipside crew decided that the best thing to do was to ignore the issue and return to te­dious task of creating the weekly cryptogram. So al­though the student body was heavily in favor of the color copies, they just weren’t worth the price.

It was inevitable; at 5:13 pm on Tuesday, December 18th, 2007, Lawrence J. Haywater, a fifth-year senior, officially filed a class action lawsuit against Deerfield High School. He claimed that the high school has been continually bias towards right handed students “for at least five years” and that there are no left-handed desks in the entire school, data he (a lefty himself) considers “Staggering and infuriating.”

Deerfield claims that they were simply reaching out to the majority, but Haywater will have none of that. “They can say whatever they want, but I know that I have been without a place to put my arm when I write for nine semesters too long!”

Will justice be served? Well, that is up to the presiding judge. He explains, “I see where he is getting at, but I just don’t know if there is enough evidence to deliver a blow to DHS.” Haywater was quick to respond, telling reporters that “the judge must be crazy if the number zero is not enough evidence!”

He has already fired his first four lawyers, alleging that “none of them could understand just how uncomfortable those dang desks were for left handed adolescents like me!” Luckily for him, he has recently stumbled upon a law firm supplying southpaws like him. “They really feel my pain,” he slips to the media.

If Haywater wins, there is only one thing he wants: equality. “There is nothing I want more than to see left-handers with an equal opportunity as righties do to succeed.”

“I met her at a baby shower, and I guess we just hit it off from there!” These were the words of Harry McNeil, a sophomore at Deerfield High. It was at that shower that he met his current girlfriend, Olivia Hartnett. That was a few months ago, and they have been going strong ever since.

These days, high school boys are starting to go for younger and younger girls, and this is the perfect example: Olivia is just eleven months old. “I just couldn’t take my eyes off her; she just looked so pretty at her shower! Age just really isn’t an issue between us. I mean when its true love you get over those kinds of things. The way I look at it when I’m 85 she’ll be 72 and that’s like nothing.”

Olivia declined to comment, as she has yet to say her first word. However, when asked if that affected their relationship, Harry replied, “Nah, she is really emotional and I feel like that’s our main way of communicating.” He added that they have had some great times together, explaining how last Saturday he spent the day with her at daycare.

McNeil is a step above the rest, but his best friend, also a sophomore, found the fifth-grader of his dreams last weekend at his sister’s DARE graduation concert.