I’ll tell you what boys of Deerfield, if you are looking for a great looking sandwich with an even better looking waitress, The Cubby Bear is the place to be. I mean, that place just seems to be crawling with young, football-loving hotties. In fact, my waitress there the other night was so hot, I forgot to order. The only thing that would come out my mouth was saliva as I drooled over our stunning server. Men, I’ll tell you, there’s nothing better than a buffalo chicken sandwich brought out to you by a girl way too hot to be your girlfriend. Some may call it depressing, but I just call it football.

DEERFIELD, IL—After being under recent scrutiny for its rules about kicking students out of football games, Deerfield High School did not improve its image any better when Friday night, security guard Randall Hughes and Gene Withers kicked Glenn Marstrom, a junior, out of the game for his mere presence.

Trouble was brewing when Marstrom, a quiet and introverted junior at Deerfield, walked into Adams Field looking to watch some good football. However, his effort was immediately halted by two security guards who say they wish to keep the game “pure and sensible.” Marstrom’s reaction was one of shock and disbelief at the irrational guards who grabbed Marstrom by the arm pits and “escorted” him out of Adam’s Field with nothing more than a few minor bruises and a black eye.

Security guard Withers, Officer Withers as he is known around the trade, declined for comment. However Hughes had this to say about the incident: “I mean, you can’t just let somebody get away with this. What with the football game and all, a student can’t just waltz into the game and expect to stay. It is merely illogical to think that we would let somebody get away with something like this…coming to a football game to watch the football game, I mean, something’s gotta be done.” When asked to talk about the potential for a decline in attendance, Hughes said “That’s a risk we’re willing to take.”

With the recent release of Google subsidiaries such as Google Moon, Google Mars, and Google Jupiter’s 12th Moon, Internet search engine powerhouse, Google, just announced its newest project, Google Google.

This new Google Google will provide users with pictures of Google, research on the “Google Guys,” an in depth examination of the number googolplex, and a speech given by Professor Chauncy Rafferty on how goofy the word google is.

Google founder Sergey Brin discussed the repercussions of Google Google. “Google Google is a great way to expand our horizons to a world beyond the monitor screen.”

While Google junkies are doting over the idea of Google Google, some critics feel it is best that Google just focus on the inevitable, total world domination. Longtime Amish man Grayson O’Callahan, a prominent critic of all things technological, said “This Google Google sham is a whole bunch of gobbledygook. Lucky for these guys, not too many people know about this “Google” site. Of course, the only people I convene with are men with Matisyahu beards who ride a horse and think that the Internet is a type of fishing gear.”

After the founders of Google learned of their critics’ accusations they said “This whole plan to take over the world…that is no lie. However, our game plan is still in Beta.”

Former University of Miami Hurricane star tight end Kellen Winslow made his entry into the NFL with a bang. And by bang, we mean he broke his leg in many, many places sidelining him for the year, both physically and emotionally. The following year promised to be promising for the promising pigskin player. However, while Winslow was out promoting his “Miami Bad-Boy” image on his motorcycle, his season ended abruptly again. It is not that he was riding around on the highway and some crazy fan bombarded his bike with footballs, but he fell on his bike in the Cleveland Browns facility parking lot. A parking lot. Not off fighting African tigers, like a Miami Bad-Boy would do; in a parking lot.

At Winslow’s most recent press conference, an angry Browns’ fan expressed his anger. You may be wondering what a fan was doing at a press conference, but this is a satirical article, and that’s just the way things go. The fan snappily snapped at Winslow. “Hey Winslow. You’re about as weak as a piece of balsa wood. That is as weak as wood gets. You gonna be able to stay on your feet for the whole season or are you gonna hurt yourself in a horrible shuffleboard accident?”

Winslow responded by cradling himself into a ball and crying in a corner. He was quoted no more than 15 minutes after the incident. “It’s just plain mean. I mean, that guy’s just a bully. I hate bullies. I also hate tuna fish, but I hate bullies more. My emotional state has been suspended into oblivion.”

Team doctors concluded a week later that Winslow was far too injured to play in the 2006 season. Flipside reporters asked the doctor, Dr. Jabberwatt, if he knew that Winslow had been in the NFL for 3 seasons and was yet to play two games. Dr. Jabberwatt responded “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

WASHINGTON—This quote comes as no shock to the American general public. The accidental wit and wisdom of our dear president has been taking this nation by storm, but this puts the cherry on the cake, and it takes the cake. Delicious chocolate cake, by the way. With white and blue icing.

However, at a recent press conference, the president was asked a question by reporter Douglas Klotz. Klotz asked, “Mr. President, what do you think of Dubai’s decision to buy many large U.S. ports?” The president responded with, “Well, I believe this could be a potentially good thing for our country. Plus I find it ironic that Dubai did buy. I like irony.” When the Flipside reporters told him that that was not a good example of irony but more of a pun, he broke down into a cold sweat and left the press conference.

EVERYWHERE, ON EARTH– Howard “Cotton” Gin was just your average human being. He had a normal job that he loved, a wife that he loved dearly, but there was something else. Oh, how there was something else. “Cotton” had recieved a 1st generation iPod for his 27th birthday. Ever since then, he has been hooked to it. He often meanders around his office with it, while strumming along on the air guitar.

Co-worker and associate of Cotton for upwards of around four years, Darwin Gumphree, spoke of the problem. “It’s gotten to be pretty strange. He strolls nonchalantly about the office, while people just gawk at him hopelessly. He’s becoming a real kook.”

Nothing could have been kookier than what happened on the 10th hour of the 10th day of the 10th month of 2005. “Cotton” Gin mysteriously transformed into an iPod. People who had been fortunate enough to witness the transfiguration of Gin were utterly speechless. “It looked like his eyes changed into the Play button and the Menu button while his mouth became a perfect circle with a button in the middle. He all of a sudden had an enormous gray forehead, and a little USB port at the bottom at which he could dispense bodily fluids,” stated long-time boss R. Francis McBoro.

It appears as if these mysterious happenings have been occuring across the entire planet. It also seems like crop circles have appeared in central Kansas with designs resembling iPods. Now, this country has seen queer sights, but the queerest it ever did see, was that abstruse moment where a transformation occured in “Cotton” Gin.

A conspiracy this majestic has not hit the American public since the breakup of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. We’re very sorry, you’re both so pretty. But more importantly, universal fairy tale character, Prince Charming, was found getting snooty with a valet parking attendant in downtown Neverland. The valet parking attendant, Marcus Pan, brother of long-time Neverland native Peter Pan, said “Well, I was expecting someone of his reputation and stature to be, well, less ill-tempered. I mean, he was just mean.”

The young, blonde dreamboat was spotted yelling at a young valet, later identified to be Marcus Pan, because he did not know how to take the reins of a carriage pioneered by young foals. “I only know thoroughbreds,” Pan later responded.

Prince Charming, who had just gotten engaged to Sleeping Beauty, had apparently entered this state of brutality after overdosing on some of his fiancée’s insomnia medication. This is known to be true from an earlier scene. Beauty and Charming were spotted canoodling in a park when Charming shadily reached into Beauty’s purse, rifled through her belongings and pulled out her sleep medication (Copyright laws prevent us from listing them here). Symptoms of the medication include drowsiness, grouchiness, intense vomiting, heart failure, punctured lungs, mild to violent strokes, amnesia, severe respiratory problems, failure to conduct magical spells, flu, and hair loss. Charming was experiencing none of these at all. He was, however, just really, really mad. Upon further examination by the Neverland psychologist, Dr. Hook, it was found that Prince Charming was stricken with an aggressive, intense, and hot-headed personality.

Marcus Pan stated, “This was extremely disrespectful. To my co-worker, friends, and family of little people with pointy ears. There is no time for his crudeness in a job that demands perfection. I nor anyone I work with here will tolerate anymore of his sass. Next time this happens, I’m tranquilizing Sleeping Beauty.”

SANTA FE—In a recent press statement, Dr. Cornelius Suess, great nephew of the renowned author Dr. Suess, announced that consuming green eggs and ham together “is not what Atkins or Jared from Subway would advocate.”

The first point that was mentioned was that if the eggs were green, they most likely were not the best to be eaten. “Green eggs are either from a genetic mutation, or some cheap remake for Easter.”

Dr. Cornelius Suess, who is a doctor of nutrition, said that it really hurts him to go against his uncle’s book.

“Honestly, I’m not trying to give him a bad rap, but I’m just looking out for the community.”

He still very much advocates the possession of “cats in hats” and “going places” as well as making up words.

“I still ganarfle all the time, don’t worry.”

When asked the motivation to spearhead the research, he said it was sparked by the constant appearance of green eggs and ham at local Chipotle and Denny’s restaurants.

The FDA has decided that green eggs will be taken off the market, but the black market of green eggs and ham selling will indubitably continue.

“I’m gonna get my green eggs and ham one way or another,” said protestor Rex Fronk. “If they take ‘em off the market, well go back to getting them just like we did during the Vietnam War.”

The removal of green eggs and ham was approved indirectly by the local Rabbi Gordon Stein: “Either way, green eggs and ham are not kosher, so let bygones be bygones.”

As for now, bygones will be bygones, but the green eggs and ham debate will rage on.

As part of a pop-culture jabberwocky, Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas posed a question that has beleaguered today’s young hip-hop fans. As part of their hit song “My Humps”, a simple question is asked. What are you going to do with all that junk?

Although it seems simple, the question is deceiving. One would typically answer, “Well, I’m going to put my junk inside of my own trunk.” But the quick-witted Black Eyed Peas have taken their lyrics one step further. They do imply that the junk is already inside of the trunk as they follow up their question by saying. “What are you going to do with all that junk…inside of your trunk?”

Fans of all different types of music have responded without delay to the question. Rap music fans like Tether Frett reply “Well first I was going to pimp my ride and get straight crunk. Then, I was gonna’ put my junk inside my refrigerator.” Similar responses have been documented among all rap fans. Fans of heavy metal music such as Bernard Adel say, “What am I going to do with all of my junk? I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m gonna’ provoke death to the mortals, and after I go to the Mudvayne concert, I’ll pass out on my couch and stash my junk under my bed.”

Different responses have been registered in fans of country music. The Flipside’s correspondent to country music still wishes to remain anonymous. However, s/he says, “If I had excess junk, I’d get on my ol’ horse, ride into the sunset, and hang it.”

But even with all of these terrific answers, the Black Eyed Peas still want to know: what will one do with all that junk? Following the trend of hip-hop questions posed on society, chances are this question will remain answerless too, still seeing as nobody knows who let the dogs out.

HOGWARTS-The well known wizard-in-training, Harry Potter, has decided to take a turn in his life after realizing that fighting Voldemort isn’t quite what it used to be anymore.

“It was an exhilarating feeling,” says the 16 year old wizard, “But after doing it six times it is getting predictable and boring.”

Harry then decided to do what any celebrity does in career crisis: he became a rap mogul. After making this decision, Harry Potter immediately changed his name to a one word; Hurrrrrry. To embark on this wild series of misadventures, he came up with a number of demo discs he recorded himself.

Soon after, the Sony Recording Company picked up Hurrrrry and helped produce his first album co-produced with the Cho Chang Clan, Get Snitch or Die Tryin’ which is scheduled to come out next September. Songs of this album include Magic Stick, Gandalf Ain’t Got Nothin’ on Me, Bust a Spell, and his single featuring best friend and fellow member of G-Unit (Gryffindor Unit) Ron Weasley; Ron Gonn’ Give it to Ya’. On his next album to be co-released with the late Sirius Black, The (Sirius) Black Album, Hurrrrrrry includes songs like My Broom on Twenty-Fo’s, Darn It Feels Good to Be a Wizard, and Hermione Granger Ain’t Nothin’ to Date With.

Other than releasing rap albums, Hurrrrry is planning on coming out with his own series of novels. These include Hurry Potter and the Goblet of Lil’ Jon, Hurry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Bling, Hurry Potter and the Brotha’s of the Phoenix, Hurry Potter and the 9mm Wand, and Hurry Potter and TriWizard Turf War.

Through all the hype, Get Snitch or Die Tryin’ will be translated into a number of languages including, Norwegian, Canadian, Latin and Parseltongue. And with the future release of The (Sirius) Black Album, rumors have escalated quickly as to Sirius Black is in fact alive and living in Madagascar allegedly recording songs sounding somewhat like “Get Tough, Get Mad, Get Agascar”. Well, that’s all the news we here at the Siren have for now regarding the Half-Blood Gangsta. Have a good year and GO BIG OR GO HOME!