Well, thank you all for being here for the announcements.

Let’s get straight down to business. First off, Earthworks will be meeting after school next Tuesday on the moon for clean up duty. Extreme Cuisine will be having a “Foreign Delicacy” themed taste testing for next Thursday featuring ants and guinea pig intestines. Yum! All members of Drill Team please get your rations and helmets and get ready for battle on Friday night versus GBN. Go Warriors!

Attention Seniors! Don’t forget that you are graduating on May 27 at around 5:00 pm. This is one time where you don’t want to be fashionably late.

Tomorrow will be a special schedule available on the district website. We will not have any of the prime number periods. One, two, three, and five–that means you! All questions on the matter should be directed to your student council representative.

All hallways will be closed for the rest of the year. If you want to get through, you will need a doctor’s note and a phone call from your parents. If you want to cross through X-Hall or Q-Hall during lunch periods, you will need a passport or or other type of valid identification as well.

Attention all Freshman! It is now bedtime–please report to the nap rooms located in M-Hall.

Everyone else! Make sure you read the Flipside. This is the last hurrah for this year, or the farewell issue, or yada yada.

It’s been a good time. Oh, I’m getting off track. Any complaints about being offended should be taken up with the Flipside complaint department in H-117 or with the attendance office.

Catch you on the Flipside.

AUGUST

We all arrived to school with our thirty-one pound backpacks prepared for a busy year ahead of us. We kicked it off with the Kickoff Dance, which happened before we learned all of our teacher’s names. But after the dance, we knew their names because they all supervised so well.

SEPTEMBER

Time to go to your first random club meeting that you vow you will make it through to the entire year. You pick out of a hat…Earthworks and Chess Club. But you realize that you actually can’t go because you have to ask that girl to homecoming. But you don’t know her name yet either.

OCTOBER

Winter break starts. Actually it doesn’t, but it seems like it because this is when it started snowing. And it kept snowing, reminding you that Chicago has year-long winters. But everything has its minor upsides (See January and February.)

DECEMBER

By now you have hopefully either: 1) applied to college 2) taken your first final exam 3) gotten locked out of your first final exam or 4) experienced your first pizza sale. But for some reason it’s $2.00. (Inflation, or possibly conniving money-making fundraisers.)

JANUARY

Winter break still going on, or if it wasn’t, you can’t tell the difference what with Martin Luther King Day, Snow Day, Snow Day 2, Gas Leak Day. Either Gas Leak Day, or what has now been dubbed by leading conspiracy theorists as Alien Invasion and Celebration Week. Because Snow, Gas, and Martin Luther King are all intrinsically liked in a future life.

FEBRUARY

There was Valentines Day somewhere in there, but more importantly, we picnicked in class with plastic plates and cups (I’ll bring the napkins!), we wore restaurant t-shirts and for some reason the other ones were upside down. But don’t worry, you won’t get punished for the upside down shirts when they’re sanctioned (even though that terrible fashion sense offends all common decency!) Super Tuesday was a hit in theaters near you.

MARCH

Still snowing. School resumes after spring break. Rest of March probably non-notable. You probably wished four or five people happy birthday on Facebook. Malta and Zimbabwe hold elections to the notice of six or seven politically active students.

APRIL

Snow is on and off now. Spring break lasts entire month, but sports pick up again, the musical sings about who knows what. The seniors taught your class, and you learned a thing or to about how unfit they were to teach your class. You took the ACT maybe, or something at least.

MAY

That’s where we are now, you took some AP tests, and finally after, you became proficient in both French and filling in bubbles (But the first is questionable.) You learned how to spell AP and wrote it in all over the school, and you learned that it stood for Advanced Placement, but beyond that you would need to consult your textbook.

JUNE

Those of you who haven’t figured out that the year is over stay at school. Grades come back, snow starts up again, and conspiracy theorists take a break until next year.

Well that’s the year, or some of it. People say we didn’t do anything this year but I would like to disagree strongly. We did at least two or three things. Until next year.

Users of the valet company now sign off on their right to sue, and the right to complain if death or a filthy car results from the car being in the care of the valet.

Most prominently, however, was this statement: “We are not responsible for lost, damaged, or stolen cars,” remarks the large sign and the contract. Drivers are easy to overlook this statement, but this wheeling-and-dealing has added significantly to the bottom line of the valet. Just last month they made $600,000 after selling two Ferraris, a 2007 BMW and a 1992 Jeep.

Few have protested, saying that the disclaimer contradicts the purpose of the valet, but their press statement quotes a little known president: “The business of America is business,” they say, as they continue to steal, damage, and joyride in impressive vehicles.

Among other companies that claim the same irresponsibility are Bank One, whose magnificent disclaimer tells that they are not responsible for any lost or stolen money. Another standout is Park District Day Care who says they claim no responsibility for lost, or stolen babies.

All right guys, let’s be honest right now. This whole post-prom thing, I don’t really know what to say about it. I’ll probably go, ya know? A lot of people are going. But this 5 A.M lockdown is the product of some goofball from who knows where.

I can’t believe I’m even writing this for you, this stuff just gets old to talk about. They have prizes, but I’m already going to Jay-Z so who needs those Dave tickets? Not Hollywood Stein.

Hollywood Stein’s got it in the bag. Post-prom will be coming up to me asking me to donate my time as a prize. That’s fine. Fine. Not that good, not that bad.

But if I go, who can stay up until five? I can do two or three, but after that I’m bustin’ out yo. And if that fails I’ll move to Plan B, which consists of laying in the courtyard until I wake up at noon the next day with a fully grown mustachio and an A+ attitude. If I do make it until five, that’s just a fluke. But as they say—“Any given Sunday”—which in this case means, Chipotle.

1340: Flipside narrowly escapes the Black Death

1492: Flipside helps Columbus get lost

1501: Flipside perfects the code of chivalry

1863: Flipside coins the first paper money

1922: Flipside creates the world in five to seven days

1935: Flipside brokers peace in indochina

1988: Flipside moves three point line back two feet

2001: Flipside listens to iPod shuffle

2005: Flipside updates to newer iPod classic

SACRAM NTO, CA—This always s ms to happ n at th worst tim s! I was just in th middl of writing my A Tal of Two Citi s: R visit d—th classic docum ntation of two diff r nt citi s throughout th ag s, wh n—poof—th darn k y just conk d out.

I was right in th middl of Chapt r Tw nty Two, which happ n d to b about th ann xation of…oh, this is all to hard to say, now that my b lov d k y is brok n. And th trag dy is, th k y was on of my favorit k ys. I dar say I us d him as much, if not mor , than any of my oth r k yboard fri nds. H h ld his d ar old plac on that QW RTY board for y ars and y ars, but l ft m wh n th mom nt was rip .

It is hard to d scrib how it cam to b that my k y w nt away. His button is th r , but now it r sts lik a coffin, b caus wh n I pr ss, h no long r r sponds. It is a sad tim .

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—With version 3.2.01 of AIM entering the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere, many reacted passively and almost failed to notice the astounding new AIM Feature.

In this new version of AIM, in order to compete with burgeoning companies like Google and Facebook who have recently entered the chat market, AIM has introduced the BloodPressureRemote feature, which does exactly what its name says.

BloodPressureRemote has gotten mixed views from AIM users and critics alike; many are calling the first step into “the new age of messaging and monitoring” while others call it the “mst stpd thng evrrr.”

AIM’s BloodPressureRemote still has its token success stories, as the company is too eager to promote. One month ago, James Koons, or dkRoute23, was logged on his AIM profile as he sat down to do his World History homework. He said afterward he felt “awkward, what with all the blood pressure monitors on my head and arms.” However, he managed to do it. Little did he know, as he reached the section on the Mongols, he started to show signs of hypertension as his blood pressure reached 150/91. He passed out immediately.

But luckily, his stalker AIM buddy xxIsWatchingU had been keeping tabs on him every since 119/68. Roger Wallace or xxIsWatchingU, had never talked to James Koons, but they had passed each other in the hallway once and that was enough to make them friends. Their friendship was his saving grace.

Koons was thankful and simultaneously weirded out: “Yeah, I was glad [he] caught the hypertension just as it was getting serious, but maybe it is possible that with blood pressure monitoring they have gone a little too far.”

His parents disagree vehemently, and his mother commented, “Now that I have AIM and BloodPressureRemote, I can monitor his stress level no matter where I am.” She admitted later she was even more excited for GPSu, which will keep a locator device on your buddies at all times.

Feetness CIO Daichi Chiba said to Flipside reporters: “I feel no qualms about creating the fantastic new Muggs product.” Then he whispered, “Which are $3.20 in bootleg shops near you.” And he continued more loudly, “The Mug is a completely different product here. First off we get rid of one of the Gs, and we add an M. We also make it into a cup. How much more different can you ask for?”

A lot different, as is clearly demonstrated by the lawsuit Uggs is filing against Feetness. Their argument is that “the manufacturing company Feetness has stolen our trademark boot and boot color for a design on their mug. Additionally, they have taken the name Ugg and used a rhyming word “Mug,” which is reprehensible to Australian copyright laws.”

This fascinating case brings up the question of what it means to have a copyright. Should Feetness be prohibited from creating their mugs called Mugs which rhymes with Uggs? How should copyright laws be applied between different countries? Only time will answer these truly difficult questions.

DEERFIELD, IL—Self-proclaimed “rebel senior” Minnie Portman just announced today in Mr. Wathen’s Level Two Calculus class that, “I didn’t the homework, you know, and I don’t think I finished all of it yesterday either.”

Portman is another one of those standard senior cases: She has a highly respectable 3.7 unweighted GPA, is highly involved in extracurriculars, but now with the approaching end of the school year, she told the Flipside she is making sure “not to do all of the homework. I still want to be somewhat cool.”

Portman’s friends have realized that she is doing all she can to keep up this rebel senior reputation, but ultimately confided in the Flipside that this ploy is failing dreadfully. “I don’t know what her deal is,” said true-rebel friend Cailie Dubin. “She can’t say she’s a rebel senior when she spends five hours a night on homework, came tardy to French once, and doesn’t plan on doing Senior Ditch Day.”

Portman had previously responded to a similar question, saying that she did plan to attend Senior Ditch Day, but her parents were calling her out to avoid all repercussions.

Minnie Portman has reassured all naysayers that her Senioritis is true. “I’m so done,” she said coolly. “I’m into college already, and so that means I only do homework on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. I only study Wednesday if I have a test.”