Popularity: 6% [?]

Popularity: 6% [?]

Popularity: 6% [?]

In a brand-new study conducted earlier this week by anti-drug program D.A.R.E., drugs and alcohol, which have been deemed as “bad” by the program since its inception, have been elevated to “very, very bad” status in a move that D.A.R.E hopes will reach more young kids and prevent drug abuse.

“These kids have not been hearing the real story,” claims D.A.R.E. President Shelley Weisbard, who led the study. “All this time they have been hearing how a life of drugs and alcohol will lead them down the wrong path, but even with this startling information, many of them end up doing it anyways. The reasons behind this have baffled us for years, but we finally realized why this phenomenon continues. They understood that drugs were bad but they were unsure of the extent of how bad they were. The answer my friends, is that they are very, very bad.”

This unprecedented conclusion is mystifying contributors to the D.A.R.E. program who wonder why they didn’t think of this all along.

“I can’t believe this wasn’t determined a long time ago. Words are powerful. If I merely told you that my famous eggs were good, this information might not make a difference to you. However, if I told you that they were very, very good, I would think one would take more of an interest and would consequently make you want to try my eggs,” says Honorary Officer Jim Chuck, who has taught for the D.A.R.E. program for nearly twenty years. “This is the approach that we have taken in our study and subsequent upgrade: People understand the importance or severity of something when it is repeated twice and italicized the second time.”

D.A.R.E. representatives have indicated that they refuse to sugarcoat the issues. “We’re not going to lie to you about how bad they are. Beer is bad, it really is. Heroin is also very, very bad. Cocaine is so, so, so, so bad. These are actual facts that must be addressed and explained until full understanding has occurred” says Chuck. “So when your child goes to one of those toga parties that they do these days, the emphasize on badness will get through to him.”

Popularity: 7% [?]

Dennis Colby, the man who won’t give up

By Diego Goldfarb

Salt Lake City, UTAH—Dennis Colby, 44, who was just hired as an apprentice janitor at Hogle Zoo has inspired many area residents with his persistent faith in “the man upstairs.”

“No matter what happens in my life,” explained Colby as he learned to sweep up monkey feces, “I know that the good lord is always looking out for me.”

Colby, who has experienced many hardships in his life, including losing his wife and child in a freak lightning accident during a massive storm, maintains his optimism and considers such accidents to be part of “the lord’s great plan.”

“The lord was bowling and he happened to get a strike,” said Colby as he lay on his ‘Covenant Cot’ after a long day of observing the higher paid janitors mop spilled diet Pepsi at the food court and hold tissues for sneezing panda bears.

Colby has inspired so many because he has made the most of such menial, demeaning labor. “Did Noah complain every time he had to clean up hippo vomit? Well I am Noah, and this is my ark.”

Popularity: 10% [?]

By Cool Ted

What’s up America? Teddy here, with the usual scoop. Alright, so we all know that the economy bites the big one. But how can our nation solve this problem, you ask? Teddy boy has your answer.

How about child labor? Works for me. Child labor is awesome! I’m not a child, you’re not a child, it’s all good. If some children can’t even tie their own shoes, how do you expect them not to work? Look, I don’t like Hua Mei either, but that is not going to solve this problem. The only thing solution is every child with a rake in one hand and a hoe in the other.

Child labor! What’s the downside?

Who cares about pandas when you have child labor? Besides, child labor can keep hope alive for the panda species. Children in China be laborin’, and they’ve got like a bazillion panda’s.

Ted hereby proposes that every child do every type of labor imaginable. I outlined my proposed laws with Ted’s Seven Awesomely Scientific Laws Of Child Labor:

1. I said it once and I’ll say it again. Child labor is awesome.
2. White labor, black labor, tall labor, short labor. Ain’t nothing compare to child labor.
3. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for Teddy. These children get upset ‘bout being shoe-tying in some factory, but as soon as they see a smile on Teddy’s face, they’ll know that it’s all good.
4. Teddy’s read a few magazines in his day, so he knows what’s best for the kids.
5. Name something wrong with child labor in less than one word. Didn’t think so.
6. We’re all living in the past for being opposed to child labor. Put down your ham radios and bring on the child labor.
7. Children are our most valuable resource. Thus, we need to exploit them as much as possible.

So while you’re all worried about pandas, we have a real situation on our hands. And that situation will be made 10 times more awesome through child labor.

Popularity: 6% [?]

By Curry Gagarin

LOS ANGELES—With the success that American Idol has brought to the Fox Network, Fox has recently announced that, in alliance with the GOP, it will be producing “American Immigrant” for the upcoming fall lineup. President of Fox Rupert Murdoch thinks that this is a bold new step for television as a whole and sees this as an exciting new opportunity.

“Fox is looking to bank off not only the recent rise in interest in America that American Idol has brought on, but is also looking to use the recent immigration discussions in Congress to roll in ratings.”

The premise of the show involves taking immigrants and forcing them into a basic skills competition, where one by one they will be eliminated from the competition and deported to their respective countries by the audience watching at home, until the final winning immigrant will be awarded a green card and thirty dollars.

The first few rounds of the show will feature the participants battling each other in obstacle course-like contests that are rumored to consist of such events as shoe kicking, egg on a spoon races, three-legged sack races, and spinning their head on a baseball bat five times before completing a timed 50-yard dash. For most of these competitions, the contestants will be blindfolded.

“By completing such tasks, it will prove whether these immigrants will be able to deal with the hardships of American life on a much grander scale,” says show producer and “American Idol” creator Simon Fuller.

The show itself will draw its contestants from the pool of countless illegal immigrants currently in America, and twelve lucky contestants will be forced to participate. During the course of the competition, the contestants will have to live in only one Beverly Hills mansion, to get a taste of the American Dream that will likely be taken away from them.

As with any Fox show, there will be three judges presiding over the competition, telling America how each contestant is doing and ever so slightly reveal who the winner should be. Simon Cowell is said to be really excited about this new project.

“I’m going to treat all contestants fairly,” said Cowell. “If I feel like they haven’t handled that egg on the spoon well, I’m going to say so.”

After the number of contestants dwindles down to four, the final four contestants will have to complete much harder tasks. In the final episode, the remaining two participants will race to see which of the two can complete an elbow licking, then hack into the Pentagon, and finally write the great American novel.

According to Murdoch, “By having the final round consist of these tasks, we can promise the American viewer that the winning contestant and “new American immigrant” will be the most legal and best immigrant to ever step forth on American soil.”

Even if the show is massively successful, Fox representatives have said that they will absolutely NOT be reprising the show for a second season to let yet another illegal immigrant into the country, citing that the cost would be too great.

Popularity: 6% [?]

By Timpani Timmy

AKRON, OH—A local plumber’s assistant and devout “lifter” who happens to share the name Chuck Norris with the infamous booty-kicker and movie star is taking advantage of the recent trend of “Chuck Norris Jokes.” It has come to the point where he literally thinks he is the second leading cause of death in the United States and believes he has a fist for a chin.

“He has really been taking those jokes to heart,” says Burt Stutts, a longtime friend and crony down at the gym. “On more than one occasion, he has forced someone to tell the jokes as he leans back and closes his eyes in a state of proud bliss.”

Many friends have also noted that this Chuck Norris has been getting offended at the use of the term “joke” to describe what he calls his “obvious virtues.” The man’s family is displaying a sense of worry now as well. “Whenever we watch Walker, Texas Ranger reruns now he complains about the supposed “lack of realism” and how they are “portraying him as a softie.”

“We’ve tried to bring him to therapy,” continued his brother, “but he refuses to go because he thinks therapy should be called Chuck Norris and it should consist of him showing off his abs to millions of adoring fans.”

As for now, his friends and family are beginning to get used to his extremely misguided arrogance and brand spankin’ new beard, because as he often says while basking in his own cleverness, “This Chucktatorship is going nowhere.”

Popularity: 9% [?]

By Ren Ixley

Substitue Teacher Chuck JonesWith whistle and clipboard in hand, first-time substitute P.E. teacher Chuck Jones showed up to the Exhibition Gym with a mission. “I’m going to change these kids’ lives,” he said to himself as he confidently walked in. Those were lofty ambitions considering he was only substituting for one day while the teacher was home sick. However, if there was ever a man for the job, he was it. Or at least he thought he was. “I did some assistant coaching down at the Y for my son Connor’s hockey team, and I’ve recently spent a lot of time down at the rec center teaching jump shots to differently-abled foster children.”

“I think I’m prepared to handle this,” he said, with a blaze of healthy self-assurance. Despite the fact that there was nothing to actually “handle”, Mr. Jones was nothing if not prepared. Mr. Jones attempted to get off to a friendly start with the class when he informed the class that they were free to call him “Mr. J” or simply “Charlie”. The class however found this well-intentioned remark somewhat condescending. “I don’t believe I have any trouble pronouncing Jones,” said one cynical youth. However, the real trouble began when “Charlie” took attendance. He first asked student Nomar Adams if he was related to Chicago Cubs shortstop Nomar Garciaparra, which was responded to with an unadulterated “no.”

He then made the mistake of asking student Miles Douglas, who was wearing an Indiana University t-shirt, if he was an Indiana fan. “I guess,” replied Douglas, with an obvious nonchalance. Jones then went on a friendly tangent. “I went down there last year to see a game with a buddy of mine. It was a great game. It went into O.T., but we had to leave in the middle of the third quarter because it was just freezing outside.” Although it was clear the student was uninterested, Jones didn’t seem deterred, and he went on with the attendance, going by last name to establish a rapport with the youngsters and keep things moving, and continually mispronouncing names as simple as Donaldson and Martin. The straw that broke the camel’s back however was when he inexplicably mispronounced the name Trevor Eaton as “Jeffrey Steinman.” Once corrected, an embarrassed Jones remarked “Oh, that’s an E.”

After the seemingly eternal attendance call finally ended, it was on to playing time. Although the class was midway through their basketball unit and was currently in the middle of playing actual games, the well-meaning teacher instead made them work on their passing skills, unconvincingly saying that it was what he was told to do. After cutely miscounting the number of people in the class upwards of ten times while attempting to count off by 2’s, he eventually let the kids pick their own partners. “Bounce pass, chest pass, baseball pass. Bounce pass, chest pass, baseball pass. Bounce pass, chest pass, baseball pass,” he repeated over and over again. There was no foreseeable end in sight. When asked why he was working the class so hard the teacher replied, “When life gives me lemons, I make lemonade.”

Despite this cliché having no correlation to the question whatsoever, Mr. Jones remained satisfied. “I think I’ve made a real difference,” he thought to himself. A difference indeed.

Popularity: 9% [?]

By Bosco Cheyenne

No wonder the holiday-season movies underperformed! I walked into the new Steven Spielberg film “Munich” expecting a “Miracle”-like feel good romp about Olympic athletes overcoming the adversity of being brutally massacred and coming back to win the gold. Boy was I wrong. The majority of the movie was just about a stupid Israeli agency tracking down stupid terrorists. Where’s the action I have come to expect from my Olympic themed movies? Why didn’t they include anything about basketball’s Dream Team or the numerous accomplishments of the U.S. Gymnastics Team? Where is the beautiful architecture that makes up the Olympic arenas? Why is there no detail on the awe-inspiring opening ceremonies? Is Mr. Spielberg too good for world unity? These are all flaws I cannot ignore. Honestly, there was about five minutes of Olympic content in the whole damn picture! As a sports fan, I personally do not care about one man’s struggle to have revenge on terrorists while maintaining his moral blah blah blah blah blah. Where are the water sports? Spielberg may be a terrific filmmaker, but he has not earned the right to place his own fictional spin on real life events. Stay away from this movie at all costs and watch a more historically accurate movie, like Spielberg’s summer blockbuster “War Of The Worlds.”

Popularity: 6% [?]