In a press release, the DHS head of internal security said that our hallway security staff would be joined by one more guard, Gary Coleman. The reason for the addition to the force was because Pete’s bomb disarming skills are a little rusty, and Coleman specializes in building and disarming bombs.

This reporter wasn’t lucky enough to catch Coleman for any sort of interview, but he was lucky enough to form questions and find quotes from past interviews and copy/paste them into a word processor. (*These are real interviews)

Barry Solomon(abbreviated BS for rest of interview): Thanks for finding the time to sit down and chat Mr. Coleman.

Gary Coleman: Oh, well I’m not (Interview, Aug 8, 2003).

BS: Yes, I noticed that you are running in place.

Gary Coleman: Not really running (Interview, Aug 8, 2003).

BS: Well anyway, how are you? What have you been up to lately?

Gary Coleman: I question everything. I question authority… I question government… I question people who say they are experts (Interview, Aug 8, 2004).

BS: All right. Right now I’m looking at a short page my research assistants made up, and is it true that you once saved a bus full of children from mountain lions?

Gary Coleman: Oh absolutely (Interview, Jan 27, 2005).

BS: I’m impressed. This also says that you train with Splinter, the martial arts master who trained a group of adolescent malformed tortoises.

Gary Coleman: Yeah, that’s my number one hobby. I’ve been doing that for damn near 25 years now (Interview, Jan 27, 2005).

BS: Hmm, interesting. Is there anything else you have been doing in your free time?

Gary Coleman: Trying to fly to the moon without a space suit! (Interview, Sep. 10, 1998).

BS: Wow, that seems pretty impossible. I don’t see anyway feasible you could really accomplish that safely.

Gary Coleman: Part of my chromosomal make-up. I can’t even tell you why (Interview, Jan. 27, 2005).

BS: What is your experience as far as school security goes?

Gary Coleman: Only once … It wasn’t the best job I could have done (Interview, Sep. 10, 1998).

BS: Has anyone ever gotten hurt while you were on the job?

Gary Coleman: Hey, as long as they want to pay big bucks (Interview, Sep. 10, 1998).

BS: I believe that we are out of time. Thank you for sitting down with me. Is there anything you would like to say to the student body as we leave?

Gary Coleman: Stay home (Interview, Sep. 10, 1998).

Popularity: 4% [?]

BY RAZZLE D. FOLACKTIAN

As the snow falls at the command of gravity, one group of young athletes here at DHS will be training hard to fight gravity during the winter months. These hardened sportsmen of the Deerfield High School Foot-bagging team began daily practices last week and I was given the pleasure of sitting down and watching them.

I must say that I have been quite excited about this up and coming Xtreme sport since I watched my home country of Latvia take gold, silver, bronze, and iron in the Footbag competitions during the last summer Olympics. Even though they were the only country to compete since all other competitors had failed to pass their drug tests, it was still a great honor. While the footbag players at our school, or “Hack Bagger Boys” as they like to call themselves, may not yet be at the Olympic level, it is still quite a spectacle to see them practice.

I was introduced to all the members of the team; but for some reason, in case they need to get each other’s attention quickly while they hacky their sacks, they all have one syllable code names. There is Laser, the captain of the sackers. If I remember correctly, there was Toe Nail, Bag-Master, Pillowcase, Lord Dragon Xiuquoix and Bob.

I had arrived early enough to watch them put on their safety gear, which consisted of just a beanie cap, and in some cases, a poncho. They put on their radio headsets, which later just turned out to be iPods. And they began to practice.

While I myself am not an avid foot-bagger, I am sure that a professional could tell the difference between their practice drills. The time flew past as we laughed, cried, frowned, scowled, stared, giggled, sneezed, ate, slept, woke up, ate again and then washed our hands together.

The one image that really stuck with me was that of one of the sacks mid-flight bursting with color and small beans or pieces of plastic or whatever is in those things. Look for future announcements of Foot-bagging competitions in and around our school.

Popularity: 2% [?]