By Jeremy Hoodaman

In a surprise press conference held yesterday, Lebron James announced his intentions to compete in the NBA as a one-man team. The news came amidst rumors that James would be joining other prominent teams such as the New York Knicks, the Chicago Bulls, or some team in New Jersey that The Flipside keeps forgetting about.

“I believe that without other players around to inhibit my natural abilities, I will be able to accomplish greater things as an individual than I ever had as part of a team,” James modestly told the press shortly before exiting the stage via a mystical puff of chalk dust.

Lebron James will leave the Cleveland Cavaliers this summer after seven years of mundane triple-doubles and. Despite countless triple-doubles, numerous buzzer-beaters, and recognition as the league’s Most Valuable Player, James has been unable to lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to a championship. Consequentially, many believe that Anderson Varejão, Anderson Varejão’s hair, and the rest of the Cavaliers have only held back King James.

As the only member of the team known only as The Lebron James, the former Cavalier is expected to forego the traditional five-man set-up in favor of a strategy in which he plays all positions himself. James will carry the duties of point guard, shooting guard, center, forward, power forward, small forward, head coach, assistant coach, and ball boy, among others. The Flipside has learned from an anonymous source that The Lebron James will be hiring the more-than-competent Gilbert Arenas for security during matches.

Though other players would struggle in such an environment, NBA scouts are expecting Lebron James to do nothing other than win. In the wake of the announcement, teams are already scrambling to prepare competent defensive systems to contain James’ inevitable domination in the 2010-2011 season. “The Cavs lost the number of games they did because Lebron had to let go of the ball sometimes,” Lakers coach Phil Jackson told The Flipside, “and now that he’s all by himself, I don’t know what we’re going to do. I mean, the man can pass, shoot, dunk, rebound, block… you name it.”

“I guess he can’t give himself chest bumps when he’s announced as a starter,” Jackson added, “so I guess that’s really the only thing we’ve got on him.”

Popularity: 11% [?]

By Jeremy Hoodaman
Authorities in Deerfield are fed up with the smiles and laughter of teens in the community.
The chief of police promised consequences for residents who attempt to have a good time. Punishments will by doubly harsh for parents who knowingly let their children enjoy their high school experience. Jumping on trampolines, playing Wii Tennis, and making Shrinky Dinks are just several now illegal acts that police are cracking down on.
“Deerfield has prided itself for being a town built on sadness and fear. Our community’s law enforcement strategies only further support these values,” Deerfield mayor Harriet Rosenthal told The Flipside. “We want tax-payers to know that it is the goal of every Deerfield government worker that Deerfield students will be sitting at home alone on Saturday nights for many years to come.”
Village officials say they are increasing efforts to stop the already small amounts of fun that Deerfield teens can manage. Several DHS students have already felt the effects of the decidedly harsh measures taken by the high school administration. Last week, two students were suspended from school after the deans got hold of Facebook pictures depicting them embracing one another outside of Potbelly’s, allegedly sporting large grins.
“I have had a long chat with police chief Stephen Hartley,” the mayor continued, “and we have both agreed that the sound of children’s laughter makes us both incredibly nauseous. So we will be taking a look at that as well.”
Some of their plans include making the skate park an extension of the Patty-Turner senior center, only to be used by their residents.

Popularity: 8% [?]

By Sarcastic Squirrel
Excuse me, sir. I totally get how busy you are, with your appointments and meetings and all that fun stuff. I know I’m pretty low on the food chain compared to you, so thanks a million for setting aside some of your valuable time to listen to me. I’ll just be a minute.
I just wanted to formally thank you for running over my cousin Bernice. You’re a real sweetheart.
I mean, it’s not like Bernice was really that important to his family and friends or anything. He was a really nice guy, and he had one of the bushiest tails around, but it’s really not that big of a deal. His newborn squirrel babies and his loving squirrel wife are probably going to be just fine. I mean, at first his mom did seem pretty upset, but hey, she’s always been known to be a little overdramatic. You know how squirrels can be.
And don’t even worry about it. We all understand. You were driving through your subdivision, fussing with the GPS so it gave directions with a sexy English accent. Nice. Anyway, while your eyes were averted for that very important task, do you remember anything out of the ordinary? A little bump, maybe? Know what that was? That was Bernice.
But don’t sweat it. I’m sure he’ll understand why you were in such a hurry. I’ve been made aware that you had a burning desire to rent “You, Me And Dupree”, and you just had to drive to Blockbuster to make sure they still had a copy for you to rent.
At least Bernice’s life was sacrificed for a piece of filmmaking genius, as opposed to some critically panned Owen Wilson flick. I mean, personally, I thought it was a bad movie, but my tiny squirrel brain might not have been able to comprehend all that complex humor. So who knows, right?
Well, Bernice was my favorite cousin, and it’s kind of hard to look at baby pictures of him now that he’s a smear on the side of the road. That stuff makes me squeamish, even. We squirrels don’t consider ourselves to be violent creatures. All we really do is collect nuts, scamper from branch to branch, and occasionally star in Ice Age movies. We’re really just here to entertain you.
So, maybe once in a while, you could stop texting in your car just long enough to avoid squashing my close relatives. I know, I know, Danielle said this and John’s dating that girl. Good stuff.
If you could keep your eyes on the road just long enough to not kill us, that would be great. I know it’s a lot to ask for. And if you’re feeling extra-merciful, try giving that brake pedal a few pumps and spare us a few seconds so that we can avoid becoming bloody pancakes
Peace out, man. Keep doing good work. You’re the best ever. And oh yeah… does this taste like rabies to you?

Popularity: 7% [?]

By Jeremy Hoodaman
In a shocking press conference held yesterday, James Cameron revealed that many of the people, places and events depicted in his critically acclaimed film Avatar were fabricated.
Avatar, which premiered late last year, focuses on an indigenous tribe of aliens, known as Na’vi, living on Pandora, a moon in the Alpha Centauri star system. Now the highest-grossing film of all time, Avatar has captivated millions of viewers with its picturesque scenery, extraterrestrial battles, and nature-loving, blue-skinned aliens.
Moviegoers were understandably furious when Cameron admitted yesterday that he had made up many of the aspects of the Na’vi and their environment.
“We are many decades, even centuries, away from traveling to planets in other galaxies, let alone controlling ten-foot-tall aliens with our minds,” Cameron admitted to a stunned crowd. Attendees of the press conference often groaned and gasped at Cameron’s halting, stuttered admissions that certain facts and characters had been created by a team of writers.
Jon Landau, who produced the movie alongside Cameron, expressed his outrage in a statement made to The Flipside; “When James told me the movie would cost $300 million, I was surprised that the expenses of flying filming equipment to Pandora and back weren’t greater. Now I have one question: where the %$@# did my $300 million go?”
“I think for a while, this will make people careful,” said Roger Ebert, legendary film critic. “But this question of fact checking is a complicated one. At The New Yorker and Time and Newsweek, you have experienced people who know where to go and what’s right and what’s wrong. We as critics have been tricked by this demon seed known by some as James Cameron. There’s been a traditional dependency on the director, and this trust has apparently been broken.”
Upon hearing the news, picketers who had been protesting the government’s drilling under the Hometree sheepishly collected their things and left.
In a statement issued later yesterday, 20th Century Fox, which initially had called the allegations not worth looking into, said it had “sadly come to the realization that a number of facts have been altered and incidents embellished.” The film studio is also looking into allegations made towards Titanic, another one of Cameron’s well-received projects. Sources, who request anonymity, suspect that Leonardo DiCaprio was, in fact, never on the infamous passenger boat.

Popularity: 6% [?]

By Officer Dan
I spend long days patrolling the streets, enforcing speed limits and watching for dangerous activity. I work tirelessly to ensure the safety of this town and its people. I proudly enforce the necessary laws upon which this nation was built.
And I’m sick and tired of getting lip for enjoying a doughnut once in a while. I’ve always liked doughnuts, even before I was a police officer. I don’t enjoy them more than anybody else. Probably just the average amount, I’d guess. I have a balanced diet, I exercise regularly, and I take a multi-vitamin every morning.
So why, then, do people try making me feel guilty about eating a Krispy Kreme or two?
Just the other day, actually, I made a stop at the local Dunkin-Donuts. Now I usually don’t even go there, but my wife gave me a coupon for a free cup of coffee with the purchase of a doughnut. Upon entering the establishment, I was greeted with snickers and stifled giggling. A little boy approached me, pointed his finger at me, and said, “My mommy says people like you should stop coming here so much”. And after ordering a glazed doughnut and a bear claw, the young man behind the counter barely choked out, “Have…a nice day… officer,” before bursting in laughter.
Hey you, little boy with chocolate all over your face. Grow up. Do you see this, right here on my belt? It’s not a Super-Soaker. And your mother should tell you that it’s rude to point. And you, pizza-faced minimum wage worker. Yeah, I’m talking to you. I serve and protect. You work at a Dunkin-Donuts. Who should be laughing at whom? I bet you think that every construction worker eats sandwiches out of brown paper bags. You make me sick.
I mean, come on. The donut shops are the only decent places to go during night shifts. It’s cheap, and close to the police station. What am I supposed to do? The facts that I’m a cop and I like doughnuts are completely unrelated. I thought Americans moved past prejudice and bigotry hundreds of years ago. Obviously I was mistaken.
Oh wait, gotta go. I just saw a kid walking outside and I’m pretty sure he was wearing a Metallica shirt. He must have at least a few drugs on him.“

Popularity: 5% [?]

By Jeremy Hoodaman

Research has now confirmed what Deerfield students already know: grades given by junior English teacher Mr. Henry are largely based on his mood.

Students have long complained that English teachers are largely subjective in their grading, with many teachers using Magic 8-Balls, Ouija boards, and the tried and true “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe” method to determine grades. A recent study conducted by the Deer- field Board of Education found that Mr. Henry is no exception; he does not adhere to rubrics or logical grad- ing systems, instead relying purely on

“instinct”. Though Mr. Henry’s students are

frustrated by his inability to accurately gauge their reading and writing abili- ties, they have nonetheless discov- ered ways in which to secure high grades. King-sized Hershey Cookies and Cream Bars are reported to dis- tract Mr. Henry from grammatical mis- takes, and Chipotle gift cards worth over forty dollars cause Mr. Henry to mistakenly count missed homework assignments. Cubs tickets are known to affect Mr. Henry’s vision, in particu- lar his tendency to accidentally spot absent students and mark them as be- ing present.

Some students, however, are unable to pass Mr. Henry’s class, even after their hard work and hefty holiday gifts. “Mr. Henry was pretty upset the day af- ter the finale of American Idol,” junior Rebecca Greenfield told The Flipside. “Apparently, he was a big Adam Lam- bert fan. I came in to get homework help, and he told me that I had no business asking him to assist me with my thesis, and that I would grow up to

be a worthless leech, sucking the hap- piness out of each and every person I come into contact.” Rebecca received a D+ on her essay, which the WERCS tutors had previously told her was one of the most beautiful pieces of writing they had every witnessed.

Uplifting events in Mr. Henry’s per- sonal life also affect his grading in a very positive way. “I remember the day after Mr. Henry got back together with his on-and-off girlfriend,” said student teacher Arnold Wartsfield, who assist- ed Mr. Henry for several weeks as part of his college requirement. “He walked into class and told all their students that life wasn’t about grades, but if it was, they would all get A’s.”

In addition, Mr. Henry’s pupils have long been suspicious of a dartboard, with the letter “A” inscribed into an im- possibly bull’s-eye, hanging near the back of the classroom. “Sometimes I see Mr. Henry playing darts after class,” reported junior Brett Foster. “He’ll miss the dartboard completely, and then start laughing hysterically…”

Popularity: unranked [?]

By Jeremy Hoodaman
Jeff Traison, 57, Deerfield resident and die-hard Cubs fan, has announced to the press that he has come to peace with Steve Bartman.
Bartman, an avid Cubs fan himself, is known for his infamous attempt to catch a fly ball during the 2003 Major League Baseball playoff game between the Cubs and Florida Marlins, disrupting a potential catch by outfielder Moises Alou. While fans were initially furious with Bartman for inadvertently causing the Cubs to lose, the public has largely come to peace with the events of that fateful eighth inning.
Jeff Traison, however, was not so quick to forgive and forget. He erected a small podium in his front yard, on which he primarily bellowed shockingly violent threats aimed at Bartman. In the days following the incident, local were enthusiastic about Traison’s crusade to avenge Alou. As the weeks progressed, the public began to tire of his antics.
“I mean, yeah, for the first couple of days I was kind of pissed,” said Vince Humbert, Traison’s neighbor “but after a while I guess I moved on… Jeff took a little longer though.”
Traison was still holding bi-weekly marches in protest of Bartman’s existence well into 2006. In 2008, he obtained only seven signatures for his petition to deport Bartman from the United States, and only last month he was seen wearing a “Buck Fartman” t-shirt while softly crying to himself.
“Jeff really doesn’t forget about things. The other day he was asking me if I was going to vote for William Hung on American Idol,” says Harold Cromwalter, a fellow employee of Jeff’s.
Those close to Jeff are relieved that he has finally come to terms with Bartman’s interference. “I’ve always known Jeff to be one who holds grudges, and this time was no different,” Melissa Traison, Jeff’s wife, told The Flipside, “but when Jeff started buying hunting gear, I began to get worried.”
In fact, prior to Jeff Traison’s public message, he had been actively pursuing the Mr. Bartman in the hopes of extracting an apology.
“I wasn’t planning doing on doing anything drastic,” Jeff assured the press. “Probably just a few fingers would have sent the messasge. Maybe even a hand if he was uncooperative But I’m past that now.”
In related news, Jeff have yet to remove the Kerry-Edwards campaign sticker from the back of his ‘87 Buick sedan.

Popularity: 12% [?]

By George Minkowski
In recent days, Oprah Winfrey has begun an alarming descent into insanity. However, middle-aged women around the country continue to take her increasingly bizarre advice.
Oprah has long been known to promote numerous products and activities on her nationally syndicated show, “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Reports of Oprah’s senility have alarmed sensible and independent people everywhere, as Oprah’s cult of followers has neither recognized her steady mental decline nor ceased to follow her advice. “Oprah used to give regular suggestions, and I’ll admit that I did some of what she said,” says Robin Halcombe, 42, who has watched the famous talk show host’s program for several years. “Adopting pets and buying ergonomic garden tools seemed normal enough, but when she started telling people to bathe in motor oil, I was more than a bit hesitant to comply. Honestly, nobody is going to do this weird stuff!”
The thousands of anxious housewives crowding outside Jiffy Lubes everywhere prove quite the contrary. Though reports of Winfrey’s psychosis have dominated the media over the past several weeks (including leaked photos of her consumption of several whole sticks of butter), determined women are clearly not ready to stop listening to what she has to say.
“I’m really worried about my mommy,” says local first grader Tommy Wellington, son of devout Oprah follower Elena Wellington. “Yesterday, mommy wrapped everything in my house in aluminum foil because the lady on TV told her it would keep the bad spirits away. She even wrapped individual M&Ms.”
In related news; Chicago traffic has become nearly intolerable as millions of women drive to Millennium Park in order to worship the Bean upon the request of Winfrey. The once-respected talk show host has been perched atop the eminent sculpture for several days, trying in vain to convince a squirrel to accompany her to the movies.

Popularity: 5% [?]

By Francis Nash
President Barack Obama stunned the world last week after issuing an executive order postponing 2010 for the foreseeable future. Citing a long list of unresolved national crises, Obama announced in an impromptu press conference that “…it would be unwise to proceed into the next year at this point in time.”
He continued, “Sagging economic conditions, rampant H1N1 outbreaks, and the lackluster performance of Derrick Rose during his second season have forced us to reconsider our shift into the next decade.”
Activist groups are joining conservative members of Congress in condemning the president’s recent announcement that he will keep the nation in 2009. “It is clear that your administration has no clear exit strategy for 2009,” documentary filmmaker Michael Moore said in an open letter to Obama posted on his Web Site. “For the sake of your presidency, and the future of our nation, please let us proceed into the next decade.”
While many such protestors are urging the government to rethink a pushback of the new year, the plan is apparently set in stone, with Obama having issued his final orders to calendar manufacturers last Thursday. The White House is trying to assure both sides of the debate, offering several extra months to the year while simultaneously placing renewed emphasis on an exit strategy.
“I am committed to developing a timetable to proceed into 2010 in the most expeditious way possible,” the President assured the American public. “My administration is working closely with world leaders, with the goal of the safe and orderly deployment of the new year.”
This move, however, does make financial sense as our national debt is compounded daily and doesn’t grow as long

Popularity: 6% [?]

By Alex Von Trapensfield
Students and teachers at DHS have discovered that sophomore Robby Cassini has an identical twin, Danny, and things are starting to make a lot more sense now.
Since freshman year, Robby’s peers were confused by his constant changes in behavior and personality, as well as his tendency to forget entire conversations and events.
“Wait, Robby has a twin?” exclaimed fellow sophomore Jake Lowe, who ate lunch with Robby last week and with Danny this week, “Wow… that explains a lot. Last week, he wouldn’t stop talking about how Green Day is the best band in existence. Then yesterday, he was muttering about how he’d rather shove ballpoint pens in his ears than listen to Green Day. I just figured he couldn’t make up his mind.”
Even Robby’s parents were not aware of his brother’s existence until around three years after his birth. “Robby certainly did seem to eat a lot, and he went through twice as many diapers as regular babies did,” mother Ella Cassini remembered. “Once I finally discovered my precious Danny, the difficult pregnancy was a lot easier to explain”.
The Cassini parents were the first to be inadvertently tricked by the twins, but they were certainly not the last. Head basketball coach Tim Walters was thoroughly impressed with Robby’s stellar performances on the varsity team; “I thought Robby was a phenomenal player. He’d be pulling down rebounds one second, then before you knew it he’d be across the court making a lay-up. It almost seemed like he was in two places at the same time.” In fact, the Deerfield basketball had accidentally been playing with six players on the court, but the referees were none the wiser.
Robby Cassini is understandably exasperated with the confusion between him and his brother. “Nobody around here understands the concept of identical twins,” Robby told The Flipside. Or um, wait, that may have been Danny. Actually, that was definitely Robby. I think.

Popularity: 7% [?]