The DHS Flipside » Chamberlain-Simon

Marijuana Illegalized in Zimbabwe, Hunger Issue Resolved

jake — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 23:38:05 +0000

By Burford Stetson

IDIJAMAMA, ZIMBABWE – Just last week, Zimbabwean government passed a legislative act outlawing “the possession, use, and/or distribution of marijuana and/or marijuana products.” This landmark new law is tremendously momentous for two reasons. For one, I’m pretty sure Zimbabwe doesn’t have a government. Secondly, the act of legislation singlehandedly ceased the persistent dilemma of starvation for the country.

Apparently, Zimbabweans had consumed so many marijuana drugs that they just had the munchies all the time. Said newly sober Idijamama resident Tyreek Mutzumbo, “You know, maybe we shoulda thought of this long ago. Now we have plenty of food. I mean we do live in the jungle after all. When we said starving, we really just meant that we could use a McDonald’s or two around here.”

Now you, amongst ignorant others, might be asking yourself, “What does this have to do with me?” Then again you only bought your “Save Darfur” T-Shirt because you thought it said “Save Ferris” (Who is Darfur?). In actuality, this has everything to do with you. This recent upturn in Zimbabwean society should prove to have a grand effect on American culture. A recent study showed that 90% of white Americans attempt to emulate black culture in order to make themselves seem cool. If you don’t believe me, take a look at all the Deerfield High students wearing Air Force ones while raising the roof to some Lil’ Wayne. No ceilings! How else do you think Barack Obama is going to bring “Change?” He doesn’t have a super majority, but he as a super cool culture.

Now that marijuana has seen a sharp decline in African culture, expect its popularity to immensely decrease in the United States. And don’t expect McDonald’s to stay in business much longer. Now, finally, we can go to Burger King like I always suggest to my friends. And I can eat my food as wastefully as I please, without arrogant, self-proclaimed “philanthropists” expecting me to ship my leftovers to the starving kids in Africa.

Osama Bin Laden Found At Deerfield High School Turnabout

jake — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 23:35:28 +0000

By Buford Stetson

DEERFIELD, IL – Osama Bin Laden was found hiding on the dance floor this past weekend at the Deerfield High School turnabout. When asked how he chose his hiding place, Bin Laden simply responded, “I figured it was the last place anyone would be seen.”

Deerfield High School Administration celebrated when students turned Bin Laden in to local security guards. “I just can’t believe it! Here at our very own dance, we get to witness history. Students! Real Students! Dancing, even!” stated Principal Audrey Gryffindor.

The impressive turnout at the dance can largely be attributed to the fact that there is quite simply, “Nothing else to do in Deerfield,” as local Junior David Goldberg stated. Amongst other reasons for attendance were school spirit, social rebellion, and forced attendance by angry parents who refuse to support the immaturity of teens who skip the dance to have fun.

After Bin Laden was captured, he was willing to confess his former hiding places in hopes of mercy from the American Government, which still claims that waterboarding is not torture. Apparently the terrorist felt that remote caves were to obvious, and instead resorted to deserted social locations. Amongst other locations, Northbrook Court and Brunswick Zone were cited as temporary hideouts for Bin Laden immediately preceding his appearance at turnabout. Bin Laden stated no regrets, other than his apparel choice to the dance. When asked for further information, he stated, “I had no idea what semi-formal meant! I wasn’t sure if that meant there would be a compromise on the food or the clothing.” Bin Laden’s choice of a tuxedo t-shirt was ineffective at helping him hide.

Local Man Dies from Senior-Citizen-Itis

jake — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 20:16:09 +0000

By Buford Stetson
HIGHLAND PARK, IL – A lot of things changed for former Deerfield resident Mike White when he turned sixty-five in 2010. All of a sudden, he didn’t have to worry about getting caught with his fake 1944 ID when he was trying to get a discount on the grand slam breakfast at Denny’s. His workload started to decrease, but he would get paid anyway. But, most importantly, his will to keep pushing started to fade. Sure being a senior citizen was nice, but there was so much to look forward to after that. Heaven would be like one big party: you live there all the time, the facilities are totally sick, and campus police are pretty much nonexistent. And since White knew he could get in no matter what he did his senior-citizen years, he simply gave up trying and just had fun. He laughed at the younger people who were still working.
He boasted that “senior-citizens 2010 rule!” and that it was just about the “Young adults’ bedtime.” This last chant was particularly ironic, since the young adults were out practically all night and White could barely stay up to watch the CBS Nightly News before he collapsed in a pile of coupons from the local grocery store.
Unfortunately, just last month, White kicked the bucket at age 65. After he picked the bucket back up, he passed away. When his grandson threw the ball back to him, White made a final push, but gave up. He did not catch the ball. It was at that point in time he decided to check out early. After he left the hotel, he was knocking on Heaven’s door within a couple hours. His wife, Heaven, was very happy to see him and

Student Loses Handbook, Can’t Remember To Buy A New One

jake — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 00:37:17 +0000

By Buford Stetson
DEERFIELD, IL – Local Freshman John Morris lives a very organized life. He does all of his math homework (even if the teacher is not checking it in), he uses free periods to do homework for a future day, and he scrawls every assignment he receives in his official Deerfield High School Student Handbook. Most teachers consider John an ideal student. I consider him a loser, but that’s beside the point.
Last Wednesday, John misplaced his student handbook and has yet to recover from the consequences. New handbooks are for sale at the bookstore for a fairly reasonable price of $8, but John cannot get another one. John became so reliant on his student handbook that he can’t seem to remember anything not written down in it. John can’t look in his lost handbook, so he can’t find a new one. While this predicament has led John to a certain level of stress, he has finally begun to embrace the lives of upperclassmen.
In this short week, John has learned new ways to remember his homework. He now relies on the girls in his classes since they cannot seem to pass up an opportunity to write in pink high lighter. John now has an excuse to talk to all the hottest girls also. Unfortunately, he has yet to learn what their response of “no prob” to his thank you text message implies. What they type is no prob. What they think is more along the lines of “I am not interested in you. Please do not try and force a conversation out of your inability to use pink highlighter.” Don’t worry John. Younger girls always want to talk to you. And I heard the seventh graders this year are pretty hot.

Wildly Popular “Perspectives” Class Cut to Make Room for Six More Mini-Laptops

jake — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 23:08:44 +0000

By George Minkowski and Buford Stetson
Offered to Sophomores, the combined English/Social Studies class “Perspectives” is know around the school for being one of the finest courses offered at Deerfield High School. It’s innovative curriculum combined with passionate teachers made students equally passionate about reading, writing, and history. However, stimulating and effective classes are not the future of Deerfield; mini-laptops are.
Indeed, it is the dream of every Deerfield administrator that all students will one day have his or her own mini-laptop to use as long as they are enrolled at DHS. That dream started with twenty-something donated to the school by the PTA and is further realized with another six purchased with money that has funded a highly successful class for the past eight years. These mini-laptops, essentially purchased with stolen money, are manufactured in countries not yet recognized by the UN and thus their quality is something to laugh at. But still, the costly paperweights/computers are great if you need to check your e-mail and only have two hours to do it.
“‘Perspectives’ changed my life. I was truly excited to go to class every day,” says Junior Hannah Able. “But I do understand that in these tough economic times, mini-laptops are the safest investment.” Although mini-laptops are the greatest possible use of the school’s money, the administration, in its infinite wisdom, scrounged up enough cash to fund another class in the place of “Perspectives.”
That class is called “Western Worlds.” It will be offered to Freshman next year. You may not be familiar with this class because it was such a failure two years ago that they didn’t even run it this year, but that was then and this is now. The administration is aware of the past, but they believe they have a good enough reason to repeat it.
Says an anonymous administrator; “We understand that cutting ‘Perspectives’ and adding ‘Western Worlds’ can be seen by any sane person as fixing something that isn’t broken. However, fixing things that don’t need fixing is a Deerfield tradition dating back to 1978 when we changed all of the hall names from A, B, C, and D to I, G, Q and F.”
This tradition of acting irrationally and without consideration for students and teachers is the most obvious reason why DHS is a blue-ribbon school. Who said anything about the great courses offered at Deerfield being a reason for its success?
The administration even has proof that non-essential technology and failed classes are a more cost effective way to get blue ribbons. A recent study published by Bob’s College of Knowledge concluded that there is a positive correlation between mini-laptops and academic success. The study goes on to say that correlation invariably means causation.
“No, we did not fabricate the study and Bob’s College of Knowledge to silence those opposed to our actions,” adds the anonymous administrator.
But as the battle rages on between the administration and advocates of the “Perspectives” class, there is one thing they can both agree on: those mini laptops are simply adorable.

Area Student Purposefully Contracts Tuberculosis, Nails College Admissions Essay

jake — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 23:04:37 +0000

By Giles Henderson
NORTHBROOK, IL – It’s not uncommon for teens to dedicate large amounts of their time to stay competitive in the college admissions process. One local girl was willing to take matters a step further to ensure that she got into college.
After reading several college applications, Glenbrook North Junior Sara Hughes devised a perfect plan. Said Hughes, “Well I read somewhere that there’s a place on the college application were you can basically write an excuse. So like, if your grades were terrible Junior year but you had to balance a job to support your family you could write that down. I knew that my grades were going to be horrible this year because my classes are like, really hard, so I knew I had to come up with a good excuse.”
Hughes then devised a plan to contract a potentially deadly disease so that she wouldn’t have to accept responsibility for her downward trend in grades. Her plan really took form when she looked at the essay portion of the applications. “All of the questions reference, like, some important time in your life or something. Or like a learning experience. And that’s when I settled on tuberculosis. It’s perfect! I had to be quarantined, for like, 5 months. And I mean what better time for personal growth than in quarantine!?”
Hughes was accepted to the University of Wisconsin last Wednesday, but her potential attendance is still unknown. Apparently, tuberculosis can kill you. I, for one, thought they tested for it because the vaccination makes your skin turn pretty colors. Hughes hopes to join her friends at the University of Wisconsin as soon as she is released from the hospital.
Still Hughes doesn’t regret her potentially deadly decision. After all, if she hadn’t gotten in to University of Wisconsin, she probably

History Classes Officially Deemed Pointless

jake — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 04:24:14 +0000

By Buford Stetson
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a press release last Friday, the United States Government officially deemed history classes “as useful as the pledge of allegiance in homeroom.” The government then continued fulfilling their other duties, such as watching the Olympics and interrupting random speeches with frequent applause.
As of now, some people have forgotten why history was ever considered important in the first place. Said (ex) historian Kenneth Barnes, “We can use history to learn from the past and guide future actions. History is really the compelling story of our world.” Well I’ve got news for you Kenneth. You’re now unemployed, and that story sucked. I find nothing amusing about Paul Revere’s role in the American Revolution. That story stunk more than the children’s instructional DVD, one if by urinal, two if by stall.
History teachers across the nation protested immediately upon hearing news of the government’s press release. Unfortunately, never before in history had history classes been declared useless, so history teachers decided to do nothing. Said Peoria High School’s social studies department chair George Smitherton, “We did exactly what history told us to do. Nothing. Can’t you see how useful history is?”
In response, math department chair Charles Ells chuckled based on the equation y=1.67e.04x, and English department chair Anna Falses analyzed the sentiment of the history teachers as pertinent to the emerging themes of the year.
History students gave mixed responses to the declaration. Said South North High School Sophomore Lynette Klein, “Well I’m in AP Psych so I understand where they’re coming from. They’re suppressing their true rationale for getting rid of history classes because they struggled in history as high schoolers. They may not know it, but I do. Trust Me. Did I Mention I’m in AP Psych?”
Said Senior Jacob Bertolli, “I think it’s pretty sweet. World history was my only class, so now I have like 8 free periods. I can, like, sleep in really late. And leave really early. And I might even graduate now that I don’t have to pass that stupid constitution test.”
Regardless of perspective, today marks a momentous occasion that will certainly not go down in history. Now we can all just forget about the Bush Administration, the Tonkin Gulf Resolution, and Sarah Palin. Maybe we will remember her son, Trig, but math might be next to go.

Super Bowl Makes Tuesday Fatter

jake — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 17:28:18 +0000

By Buford Stetson
MIAMI, FL — As Tracy Porter intercepted Petyon Manning’s pass late in the fourth quarter and ran it back for a touchdown, I was quick to realize two things. For starters, it meant that my gambling addiction had finally yielded a reward. After betting on everything from to coin toss, to the number of television appearances of Kim Kardashian (which was surprisingly zero!), to the odds of a player, or Pete Townshend, being carted off the field, I finally won a bet. After sticking to my philosophy that any bet with the odds of are 10,000 to one is worth taking, my purse of 40 dollars from the game of squares almost compensated my 56 dollars in expenses. But this miraculous occurrence seemed mundane compared to the next thing that I realized: Peyton Manning had thrown the Super Bowl.
Petyon Manning does not throw interceptions. Peyton always performs well under pressure, and with his father watching Peyton’s drive ensured a dramatic comeback. But there was one flaw in this comeback: Peyton was playing for far more than a football game. Manning had a list of reasons to throw the Super Bowl, and they were on everyone’s minds. After Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans in 2005, the city and the economy experienced lasting effects. Peyton understood what a Super Bowl victory meant to New Orleans: a chance to celebrate the town and finally begin their recovery process. Peyton also understood what the Super Bowl meant to him: a chance to celebrate the most epic Mardi Gras of all time. New Orleans is currently feeling the effects of the most elaborate party coordination in history. A recipe of a Super Bowl victory two days away from Fat Tuesday, an incredibly lenient and non-existent police force, and famous streets named after alcoholic beverages could only create one delicious confection: the anti-Friday night in Deerfield. Said Peyton on Tuesday, “Dude! Totally worth it! This is the craziest party I’ve ever been to, and trust me: I’ve been to some crazy parties. I’ve literally got beads of sweat rolling down my face if you know what I’m saying.”
But apparently, the story digs even deeper. Spotted alongside Manning in the French Quarter was Minnesota Vikings Quarterback Brett Favre. Amidst a group singing of “Party in the USA,” Favre was quoted as saying to Peyton, “It was all totally worth it man! I mean the interception in the NFC Championship was embarrassing, but at least it means I’ll get to retire and then unretire and play next year! I may be old, but I can still take the shots if you know what I’m saying.” The two then exchanged an elaborate handshake and continued nodding their heads like “yeah.” So, maybe football really is just a game. Maybe the Super Bowl isn’t as important as we all deem it to be. When push comes to shove, it’s all up to the players if you know what I’m saying.

Opinion: It’s No Surprise That Studies Show Inverse Relationship Between Fan Pages, Friends

jake — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 22:19:49 +0000

By Buford Stetson
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – A press release regarding the relationship between the amount of fan pages a Facebook user has and the amount of friends they have was recently revealed. No, not Facebook friends. Real friends. This groundbreaking study revealed something that few could foresee: the more pages a Facebook user is a fan of, the less friends they will have in real life.
While the study did not cite specific reasons for this relationship, this Flipside reporter was willing to dig deep into the lives of true aficionados to discover just why this is true. And the results were shocking. Apparently people don’t like their live feed to consist of meaningless information about a complete stranger. “John Greenberg has become a fan of ‘bubble wrap.’” Well thank the lord. I thought for a minute that John Greenberg wasn’t a fan of bubble wrap. And I thought for a minute that John Greenberg didn’t feel the need to confess this love on the internet. And I thought for a minute that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night, knowing that John Greenberg didn’t share my love for bubble wrap. But since John Greenberg is a fan of bubble wrap, I can breathe easy. This Flipside reporter would like to propose a new fan page: “I hate it when people become fans of everything on Facebook.” Although, becoming a fan of that page would be a bit hypocritical. Scratch that.
This Flipside reporter would like to propose a newer fan page: “I hate it when people become fans of everything of Facebook, yet recognize the paradox created by joining this group.”
Additionally, a cause between the lack of friends of those with 100+ fan pages can be traced to their incentive for becoming fans of so many things. While it could be contended that these people simply like a lot of things, or that they want to support as many causes as possible, let’s be honest. They become fans of so many things because they don’t have a life. So they waste their time on Facebook, trying to associate with the whimsical pleasures of fellow cyber teens. It’s a logical thought process, really. What better way to feel cool than to know that 10,000 others also love “The guy who screams CHOCOLATE! on Spongebob.” Thus this relationship between fan pages and friends really shouldn’t have been to shocking; people who waste their time on Facebook and annoy everyone around them usually aren’t the life of the party.
I, however, would like to propose a new correlation that is far more radical: The more Facebook friends someone has, the fewer friends they have in real life. I talked to Junior Kyle Bernstein about the issue, who has an impressive 1,894 Facebook friends. When I asked him what he was doing this weekend, Bernstein responded, “Probably going on Facebook…”

Fornero Can’t Figure Out How to Hide E-mail Recipients

jake — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 23:06:06 +0000

By George Minkowski and Rufus Schwartezngoggle
HIGHLAND PARK, IL– Last Thursday, students from Township High School District #113 had their fingers crossed for a snow day. These students went to bed with a dream and woke up to an e-mail from Superintendent Fornero, telling them that school would be in session. Unfortunately for the students, this wasn’t a joke. However, some students were able to salvage part of their day by taking advantage of Fornero’s failed attempt to find the “Hide E-mail Recipients” option on his e-mail.
“Did he realize that anybody could just hit ‘Reply to All’ after reading that e-mail?” asks Deerfield Junior Crystal Vogl. “He must have know that people were not gonna be mature about his little administrative blunder.”
And immature people were! 7 people replied to Fornero’s e-mail. Their response ranged from “cool.nice. thank you” to “shut up.”
One individual actually sent a blank e-mail to the entire district. It is highly improbable that Fornero intended to start a district-wide thread, but he did. This has people asking, “What was he thinking?” Then again, this is far from the first instance of administrative blunders revealing the true nature of District 113 students. Just last year, what began as a comparable thread of sorts somehow evolved, or rather exploded, into a series of intensely graphic Fight Club haikus. Despite the administrations aggressive stance on obscenities, they have continually dropped the ball on monitoring student e-mails. The first rule of administration is you do not let students talk about fight club. The second rule of administration is you do NOT let students talk about fight club. Deerfield Senior Joseph Gleestone states, “I just don’t understand it. We aren’t allowed to so much as reference.”
Any mature thematic elements on Halloween, yet things even more twisted than I could ever imagine are sent directly to me via school e-mail. I think I can handle a guy dressed in girl’s clothes. But even I couldn’t help but gag in the fourth stanza.”
So what can Deerfield High School students take from this? Apparently the administration distracts us from how sick we all truly are. Perhaps the girls who merely blur out paraphernalia in their photos because they so desperately need to put them on Facebook are not mature, no matter what their blood alcohol concentration may suggest.
Perhaps the administration really does save us from ourselves. If Deerfield High School without a “BCC” option is as disturbed and immature as our e-mails suggest, maybe the censorship we face might be beneficial after all. Still, there is no better remedy to a detention due to a misuse of e-mail than admiring the more unrefined work of our Blue-Ribbon school.