Good ideas do not come around very often. So brace yourself for a brilliant idea: the DHS Outdoor Show. Considering the recent success of outdoor related retail stores in Deerfield, such as Moosejaw and Orville, having an entire show dedicated solely to outdoor products seems like a no-brainer. Oh yeah, and the outdoor show is all indoors.

The economic savvy gym department organized this Warren Buffet quality business venture. Their logic was as clear as the sky that could not be seen because everything was indoors. Spokesman Art “Rate” Monitor issued the following press release.

“Deerfield town folk just love spending time outdoors. We are a town of hikers, not video game players. We are a town that goes to the beach, not to tanning salons. We love the outdoors, especially when it is so unbelievably cold, windy, and icy that we must go indoors.”

The price of admission was, in my humble opinion, a stroke of genius. Only five dollars to possibly win a raffle to get half off kayak lessons! That’s what I call a bargain. This economy is in desperate need of such profitable ventures and great options to spend a hard earned five dollars. Even better, kids under six come in for free. And who, if not six year olds, appreciate the patience required for bass fishing?

Moreover, who, if not six year olds, can sit through ADD- creating fishing demos and stare at fishing poles while never actually being able to fish? Of course, you actually have to go outside to fish.

Speaking of fish, I am glad we ordered enough. Although the young Einstein’s who ran what turned out to be the equivalent of the Chicago World’s Fair of 1893 were expecting anywhere from 5,000 to 500,000 attendants, they ordered enough fish for all of Iceland just to be safe. With a small army of student athletes who wanted to be pretty much anywhere else in the entire world making up the staff, the Outdoor Show lived up to all the Lebron Jame’s level hype.

I am surely not alone in stating I cannot wait for next year’s show. May I suggest possibly having the Outdoor show in May? Or never.

Popularity: 4% [?]

Melvin Schwarzengoggle

After the media coverage of New Hampshire’s primary, state officials began pondering an interesting question: Why stop at just one?

“New Hampshire’s pretty boring,” said Irene Jarvis, a New Hampshire citizen. “Other than the presidential primary every four years and the fact that Concord makes the best grape juice ever, we don’t have much going for us.”

Many presidential hopefuls weighed in on the decision with mixed reactions.

“Why should we stop at just three?” asked former New York City Mayor Rudy Guiliani, who had a disappointing finish in the New Hampshire primary. “New Hampshire should have a quaternary and a quinternary, or whatever you would call it, I have no idea. Everybody deserves a chance to rebound, like the American people did after 9/11.”

“The people of New Hampshire are ready to make changes in America. The American identity is a melting pot of diverse backgrounds and ethnicities,” said Illinois Senator Barack Obama, who always sounds very inspiring but often doesn’t get to the point.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager told The Flipside that Hillary was unable to comment due to the fact that she still had tears of joy after hearing the news.

Even Congressman Ron Paul had something to say.

“The Constitution of our land doesn’t authorize the planning of secondaries and tertiaries,” he pointed out. “I’ve never voted for legislation that supports either one. The only solution to this problem is to get rid of the IRS.”

Iowa officials have expressed interest in having a second caucus but nobody knows what to call it yet.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Melvin Schwarzengoggle

All of X-Hall was captivated yesterday on Halloween as DHS Sophomore Ziggy Jenkins was confronted by deans and security guards after 2nd period due to his inappropriate costume.

Ziggy had dressed as himself for Halloween, wearing a boring grey shirt with a white undershirt and a pair of baggy jeans. DHS staff promptly informed Ziggy that his costume choice was irresponsible and inappropriate because of how it depicted and offended an individual.

“Mr. Jenkins clearly made a bad choice in terms of his dress for Halloween,” a dean told The Flipside after the altercation. “Deerfield High School cannot foster an offensive environment that distracts from learning. It is quite possible that Mr. Jenkins was offending himself today, and I find that simply unacceptable.”

“It was so stupid,” said a very unhappy Ziggy. “They had me in the dean’s office for an hour. They lectured me on tolerance while we waited for my mom to bring me a grey shirt, white undershirt, and pair of jeans from home so I could change. I thought I had a real cool idea, dressing as myself and stuff, but next year I probably won’t wear a costume at all. The school sucked all the fun out of Halloween.”

Indeed Ziggy, indeed.

Popularity: 2% [?]

BY WARREN G. ISTHCHAMP

It was a beautiful sunny day that evening as Boris Johnson sat on his couch watching “The Price is Right” reruns.

“Yeah, I almost ran that marathon this morning,” said Johnson. “Thought I could do it in an hour or two. I felt so prepared, ya know, cause I had bought the marathon t-shirt with the number on it.”

Boris, who lives by himself and weighs a mere 640 pounds, thought he needed some exercise. He signed himself up for a local marathon, but pulled out at the last minute.

“I got real tired trying to get off my couch,” said Johnson. “I never leave my couch. I figured that if I couldn’t do that, I wouldn’t do well in the marathon.”

Further discussion with Johnson revealed that he thought a marathon “was down the block or somethin’ like that.”

“I probably lost weight just thinking about it,” he added later. “26 miles? That’s crazy! I’d get tired just drivin’ that far.”

After making his final decision not to run the marathon, Boris returned to his couch to finish watching the “Everybody Loves Raymond” TV marathon.

Popularity: 4% [?]

False McAdvertising Leads to McControversy

McDonald’s, an All-American company with an All-American feel to it, has always seemed to be loved for its food while it’s been hated for its food, among other things. The company took a big hit the past week as lawyers representing “humanity” uncovered a great scandal in McDonald’s advertising.

For about a four-year period, McDonald’s commercials and catchy jingles would be followed by the slogan “we love to see you smile.” This slogan preceded the current “(Ba-da ba-ba-ba) I’m lovin’ it,” but came after the very old-school “have you had your break today?” The use of this slogan represented the down-to-earth, homelike feel that McDonald’s has wanted to portray to their customers.

How can this be illegal, you may ask? Simple. Any claims about a product that are made in advertisements must be true, even if they are biased. For example, a commercial for Lunchables may show how their products are fun to eat and they taste good, even if everything is processed and the entire meal contains 34 grams of saturated fat and 1320 mg of sodium.

Unfortunately, McDonald’s has been unable to prove the truth to their former slogan. When ex-employees of McDonald’s were interviewed by Desmond Lumpypants, one of the lawyers representing “humanity” (it must be put in quotes so you know that we didn’t say it first, proving were not biased), none of them responded “yes” to the question “do you truly enjoy seeing your customers smile?”

“Such a consistent contradiction to the McDonald’s advertisements means that the company is using false advertising,” said Lumpypants. “They are completely liable.”

Gabriel Vazquez, 25, was an employee for two years when the company used the slogan. His testimony might be a key to this trial.

“I didn’t really enjoy my job one bit,” said Vazquez. “My focus wasn’t on making them smile, but it was on making my money and getting out of there. The manager didn’t seem to care if they smiled as long as they weren’t angry at us.”

McDonald’s had no comment on the situation.

In court, Lumpypants wants to have McDonald’s turn in their profits from when they used the slogan. “They don’t deserve any of it,” said Lumpypants. According to his investigation, Lumpypants thinks that McDonald’s would owe about $1.32477 sextillion (yes, it’s a number).

The court date is scheduled for some time this decade.

“I’m also very concerned about their current slogan,” said Lumpypants. “It’s very unspecific. What is ‘I’ and ‘it’ refer to? Their advertisements are brainwashing America to think that their customers are lovin’ their food. However, it could mean that I, Desmond, am lovin’ penicillin, but I’m allergic to penicillin.”

The Flipside will release another report when more on the developments of this case are known.

Popularity: 3% [?]

For someone under as much pressure to succeed as Igor Duvanovic is, he’s a very calm person. Living with his mom in Luxembourg, Duvanovic, 24, shows a laid-back personality that can easily be noticed on the concert stage.

“He feel real easy play triangle,” said his mom, Kate, since Igor doesn’t speak any English.

However, his triangle playing did not start until much later.

In Von Vonanov Secondary School, Igor took a likeness to math, specifically geometry. In a few years, he became more intrigued with trigonometry, developing a lasting love with triangles. At that point, Igor began playing the triangle in band. He enjoyed its shape and sound. It’s here where he began getting his publicity.

He was scouted by conductors all over Europe in need of a triangle player. Eventually, Victor Vumcake, conductor of the Luxembourg Symphony Orchestra, selected Igor in the second round, 37th overall.

Igor’s was a back-up for his first three performances of his rookie season. He played a little big of bells and marimba, but he saw very limited action.

Then, on January 7th, 2004, the Luxembourg Symphony Orchestra’s fourth performance, veteran triangle player Freddy Brebeaux from France dislocated his shoulder during Mozart’s Symphony No. 224 in the fourth movement titled Andante. Vumcake motioned for Igor to come on stage, but he was there already.

“He came in immediately, showing great stage awareness,” said Vumcake. “He came in perfectly on the 3-and beat of measure 248, which was a 12/8 measure preceded by 4/4 measures. From then on, I knew he was really something special.”

Duvanovic was promised the starting position if he promised to work hard. Igor could usually be found in the audio room before and after team rehearsal, studying other triangle players. This is how he got to be the world’s best at such a young age.

“He always the first one to enter the practice stage and he’s the last one to leave,” said Vumcake. “He’s a great performer for our band chemistry.”

Even though Igor is a free agent at the end of this year, the chance that he will end up back in St. Petersburg is unlikely, since they were extremely close to not making the salary cap this year. Igor is expecting a premium salary of 145,000 €, and he’d have to take a massive pay cut to play in Russia.

“I don’t see how the ensemble can afford to let him go,” said Vumcake. “He’s definitely worth his weight in brass, and that’s a lot of brass. I know other conductors will be going after him in the off-season, but he’s staying right here.”

Last month, he testified in front of a European Union panel about his commitment to stop the widespread use of performance-enhancing supplements. He never denies an autograph to a fan who waits outside of his one-bedroom apartment. Igor Duvanovic is someone we could all learn a bit from.

Popularity: 2% [?]