By Herman Dougal

In their weekly Twitter address, the Deerfield High School administration announced Wednesday that it will be changing the name of lunch periods from ‘Lunch’ to ‘Dining Education.’ “We feel like this will make sure students know that Dining Education periods, or D.E.s, are not a time for slacking off,” said Mr. Randolph about the name change. “This will encourage students to make responsible and productive use of their designated eating periods.” Many students are enthusiastic about the change, such as Sophomore Samuel Pirancci. “I always felt like my time was being wasted during lunch periods with eating lunch,” said Pirancci. “Now I can do homework and study for tests during D.E. without people thinking that I’m weird for not eating lunch.” Some, however, feel that the change isn’t going far enough. “I still feel like D.E. could be improved,” said one student who wished to remain anonymous. “The periods are always so loud, with everyone talking to their friends. I think that there should
be a mandatory ‘no-talking’ rule in the cafeteria. Also, it’s obnoxious when people are eating and spilling their drinks everywhere during D.E. It’s distracting and rude. Food and drink shouldn’t be allowed into the cafeteria.”

Popularity: 7% [?]

By Angel Gilmore

DEERFIELD, IL—In an executive decision made by Dr. Roberto Floopdimallie, DHS principal extraordinaire, the entire senior class of 2006 will not be graduating this year.

“It was a tough decision, but I think it was for the best,” commented Floopdimallie, adjusting his necktie. “I mean, think about it. This way, we don’t have to deal with a graduation fiasco, like having them change the time and date on us or getting up really early or something.”

“I’m glad this happened too,” said Senior English teacher Geoffrey Rigtig. He explained his lack of feeling completely satisfied with the way this class received his teaching. “There’s just so much more I could have showed them. And what I did teach them I felt kinda didn’t penetrate their brains.”

While many teachers and administrative staff were pleased with the decision, a small majority of students expressed their discomfort with the proposal.

“WHAT IS HE THINKING?!?!” exploded senior Mel Levokol. “I can’t take another year being treated like I’m 16, I’m a whole year older, for goodness sakes! I’ve learned everything I’ll ever need to know!” The rest of Levokol’s commentary was unfortunately edited out so as not to get the Flipside in trouble. But you get the point that he’s a weensy bit angry.

Other teachers expressed their displeasure as well. “No offense to the students or anything, but I’m kinda sick of them,” said math teacher Harold Goddard. “I’ve been teaching these kids all year and it’s getting kind of boring. I want these students gone.”

Doubt has arisen regarding the situation with college acceptances. “Those planning on going on to a university in the fall will simply just have to wait,” college advisor Cindylou Bradford said. “They can still send in all their housing applications and scholarship applications, they just won’t get them until the next year.”

Bradford exhibits full confidence with the system, having individually called, notified, and received the acquiescence of every single school that DHS students are going to. They all, according to Bradford, approve of the situation.

“Yale was especially pleased,” noted Bradford. “It expects the best from its students, and taking an extra year for them to come in even more prepared is just what will help Yale look even better.”

Floopdimallie is not to be swayed by arguments pressing against the decision. His stance is firm and unchanging.

“I really think this will be best for the school, even if you guys don’t think it is now,” he said, “kind of like that schedule change. Besides, I think it will help those who did fail feel much better about themselves. We’re just a caring community like that.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

By Angel Gilmore

It was announced earlier this week that Profesora Lupe Vicario has been hired to act alongside world-renowned actor Antonio Banderas in his upcoming new film.

“I’m just so excited, I’m not sure what to think!” exclaimed a wild-eyed Vicario. She auditioned for the part months ago, but there was a slight delay because no one could pronounce her name correctly. Once the producers got it down, they were able to call her to tell her the good news.

The movie, Los perros que llevan sombreros tontos, is about the hardships and struggles growing up as a wealthy middle-upper class Hispanic boy on the North Shore and the lack of discrimination he faced. Banderas takes up the part later on in the boy’s journey, and Vicario is to play both his mother and wife.

“I think it’s trying to say that inside, we all have just a little bit of an Oedipus complex,” Vicario said, shrugging. “I’m not exactly sure. I think it’s just as weird as you do.”

“I am…very happy to be working alongside such a marvelous actress as Lupe,” commented Banderas. “They usually just sit me down alongside some actress who knows nothing about anything. But with Lupe, a local, and a beauty, nothing can go wrong.” At this point our Flipside interviewer’s hand cramped up from alternately writing furiously and fanning herself so that the rest of her notes are blurry. But you get the point.

Filming is to begin later in the month. The shooting schedule has been worked around Vicario’s schedule so she will miss as little school as possible, meaning most shots take place in the school itself or, for shots on location, they must take place over a weekend.

“First we’re heading to Rome for a weekend,” said Vicario, checking her schedule. “Then we shoot in the courtyard. After that I’m hopping a plane to South Africa, but that Monday we’ll be shooting in the center X-hall staircase. It’s such a lovely view; no one will notice that it isn’t an exotic location.”

Many details of the film still need to be worked out, mainly the transportation of Profesora Vicario’s cart. It has been cleared on all major airlines, but it’s tricky getting it up those X-hall stairs.

Popularity: 2% [?]

BY ANGEL GILMORE

NORTHFIELD, IL—The North Shore Jewish community was stunned in a recent announcement that Andrea Zorenstein, cantor at Temple Jerebethtikvah, has signed a $4 million recording contract with Sony Entertainment.

“I’m not really entirely sure how it happened,” commented a stunned Zorenstein. “I was leading the congregation in Ein Kehloheinu when suddenly a man stood up in the congregation and yelled ‘That’s PERFECT!’ I was so shocked I didn’t know whether to continue in services or just stop and run and hide.”

The man turned out to be talent scout and producer, Al Slickhair, who was looking for new artists to make labels with Sony.

“Yeah, I just ended up at Temple. Not really sure why. I’m not Jewish or anything,” said Slickhair, adjusting his Aviator sunglasses and smacking his gum loudly. “Luckily Andrea was singing. I heard it and thought, ‘Hey, she can do almost anything with that voice. And what she can’t do, the magic of Sony Studio’s Voice Re-Mixer can.’”

Zorenstein, whose album is due out mid-March, is glad it happened. “On the whole, I feel happy with my work. The cover song, which is the opening prayer before the reading of the Haftorah, came out particularly well.”

Consumers are especially excited for the album. Zorenstein’s congregants have expressed a fond desire to purchase the album, and the majority of the Jewish community certainly will as well. There are, however, differing opinions.

“I can’t believe that guy walked into THAT synagogue,” angry congregant of Temple Shalom Israel Shabbat Artie Hobsonklein said. “Our cantor is great too. How come SHE gets a label and OURS doesn’t?” He stomped off angrily during the interview and was unable to be located to complete the interview later. Had he stayed, however, we’re sure he would have said other things to the effect of what he just said.

Life as a newly found star is difficult for Zorenstein as well. “Yeah, Al and I have had our differences,” she commented. “He wanted me to shorten my name to just ‘The Z’ and dress in clothes he picked up at Toys R Us in the Barbie doll aisle. You think I’m making that up? I wish.” Zorenstein then pulled out a mini-mini skirt and mini-tube top. “He tried getting me to wear make-up from that aisle as well, but luckily it’s all actually plastic. I’m not sure he understands that, though.”

On the whole, Zorenstein is excited and ready for her album to be released. Tours begin in L.A. in March and will continue throughout May. “It’s a great line-up,” Slickhair said while applying freakishly large amounts of hair gel. “We’re hittin’ Chicago with a little ‘Aleph Bet Vet’ and turning around and slapping New York with a little ‘Rock of Israel.’ Trust me, you don’t wanna miss this.”

Popularity: 2% [?]

BY ANGEL GILMORE

DEERFIELD, IL—Thousands of game-players were shocked to discover that, in the mad chaos of purchasing as many gifts as they could hold, they now owned Microsoft’s Xbox 180 instead of the 360.

“I couldn’t believe it when my mom came home from waiting outside in the cold for hours and brought home this piece of junk instead of what I wanted,” said pissed off 16-year-old Dennis Flinch. He explained that his mother had volunteered for him to wait outside Best Buy so that he could get the full amount of sleep he needed to be a successful student the next day at school. Of course, little sleep was actually garnered from that night, as he waited up for hours imagining what his fabulous new game console would be like. And trying to ignore his pleas of help from his dad to do everything his mom normally does. But that’s not the point.

“It’s only half as good,” Flinch added.

The Xbox 180, priced at $200, is compatible with all Xbox games, but only allows players to complete half of any game.

To some, this is a bonus that the other versions didn’t offer. “This is great!” exclaimed 30-year-old Ned Cohen. “Now I don’t feel pressure to complete the entire game in just a few days like all my friends do. Since I’m stopped halfway, I can beat it in a lot less time than they can…wait, hang on. WHAT WAS THAT, MOM?…NO, I DON’T WANT ANY RICE KRISPY TREATS! CAN’T YOU SEE I HAVE VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE OVER?!?!”

When asked to comment further, Cohen replied, “I’M SURE THEY DON’T WANT ANY EITHER!” The interview, unfortunately, had to be cut short at that point due to extreme embarrassment on Cohen’s part. Authorities were called in to the scene to resuscitate him.

Flinch holds a very different view than Cohen. “Anyone who stops playing halfway through is lame. The point of the Xbox is to finish a game, not wander through and stop when the system tells you to. I’m my own ruler! I don’t need the system to tell me when to stop! That’s what the GAME is for!”

Debate rages on regarding the 180. When asked to comment, Bill Gates, owner and creator of Microsoft, said he was too busy playing with his Gamecube.

Popularity: 2% [?]