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OPINION: Finals Week
By Emma Soren Finals Are So Stressfullll By Alice Sharpe, Type A Freshman My first high school finals are coming up and I’m totally freaking out! These tests will determine…
Whenever You Feel Sad, Just Remember How Rich I Am
By Stanley Meyers America is struggling. 9.2% of the labor force is unemployed, the real estate market is in shambles, and college students are struggling under hundreds of thou¬sands of…
Guess What? I Just Found A Piece of Cheese In My Beard!
By Quinn Price And fine swiss cheese, no less! What a treat for the both of us! I’ll brush off the mold from right there… Oh, and look at all…
Korea Just Needs To Like, Chill Brah. Nah, But Like, For Real.
I usually don’t get into politics, brah. It’s really not my thing. Well actually, I have flipped past CNBC on my way to SpikeTV a couple times. That’s about it…
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (As told by mall security)
By Saul Brown, Mall Cop I’ve known Alexander Grinch for about 8 years now. He used to be a real great kid. He and his friends would come here every…
Guest Apology Letter
Dear Allison Jane, I am writing to you with a bizarre apology. I was stalking the hell out of you on Facebook yesterday when I came across an interesting photo…
Underground Senior T-Shirt Causes Split in Class: Stupid vs. Not Stupid
^Some shirts that don’t scream, “I’m dumb!” By George Minkowski DEERFIELD, IL — Every year on the last day of Homecoming Spirit Week, the seniors come to school dressed in…
Opinion: There Was No Need to Fix It…
By Bob the Builder It’s pretty much a guarantee that if you ask me, “Can we fix it?” I’ll respond, “Yes we can!” like an over-zealous idiot. However, when Deerfield…
Opinion: Thanks For Running Over My Cousin
By Sarcastic Squirrel Excuse me, sir. I totally get how busy you are, with your appointments and meetings and all that fun stuff. I know I’m pretty low on the…
Opinion: I Enjoy Doughnuts… So What?
By Officer Dan I spend long days patrolling the streets, enforcing speed limits and watching for dangerous activity. I work tirelessly to ensure the safety of this town and its…