Maybe the Apocalypse is Coming a Little Sooner Than We Expected

If SOPA passes, we are all going to die. Like literally, die. It is quite possibly the worst thing that has happened to our country in centuries and I refuse to stop posting/tweeting/complaining like I actually understand politics/talking about it until the government starts listening to me. Or anyone else, for that matter.

For those unfamiliar with SOPA and who have not been on Wikipedia or Google…or Facebook…or Twitter…or been conscious for the past week, it is the government’s way of saying, “Well, we can’t do anything about the recession so we might as well do something else to pass the time.” And don’t forget about PIPA, SOPA’s less known but cuter sister, that was created just because we want to show Pippa Middleton how much we wish we could be her.

But either way, it’s gaining momentum, and the end is near. If SOPA passes, the internet will start becoming a giant black hole of censorship. Before we know it, freedom of speech will cease to exist. And finally, all human happiness will be stomped out because we all know that a world without torrenting and pirated Youtube videos is a dark and lonely world. That will leave us crying in corners wondering why we didn’t email our Congress representatives when Wikipedia told us to. If you haven’t learned that Wikipedia is always right yet, you probably never will.

So who cares about December 21st?  What we should really be worrying about is the government passing SOPA. In fact, it’s probably going to get here before we know it. And if it does, who knows how everything is going to work out with a government that thinks that removing all pirated information is going to be fine. Just because the government is “representing the people,” it does not mean it is our friend. Chupacabras do exist.

*Some content from this article may have been removed due to an improper use of copyrighted text

The start of second semester is upon us and for most it is a time of celebration. Seniors embark on their final semester of high school, freshmen are just starting to realize what high school is, and sophomores and juniors continue to care about their grades too much. But the second semester parties were forced to end early when members of the student body received one fateful email declaring the closure-but-not-closed hallway procedure to be implemented at Deerfield High School this semester.

This past semester there has been an increase in complaints about hallway activity. Teacher and fig-lover Mary Carpenter said, “One day last semester, I could hear a boy in the hallway breaking up with his girlfriend. That was obviously more interesting than what I was teaching, so none of my students paid any attention to my lecture on economics in back-country China.”

It is complaints such as Ms. Sharpe’s that have caused for this new policy change. However, what goes unnoticed by many administrators is that it displaces some of DHS’s most loved and least known clubs. Clumping Addicts Anonymous holds meetings in the hallways every second of every day, and with nearly 1000 members at Deerfield High School and 1003 members worldwide, the news of the closed-but-not-actually-closed hallways means that CAA will have to meet at the used-to-be-blocks, or worse—an E-Hall lecture room. Other clubs, such as Vent Talkers USA, who are responsible for all of those half-heard conversations that filter into the classroom through the locker vent, to the Tumbleweed Association of Deerfield High School and the Pacific Northwest, will all have to adapt to the new hallway policy, trying to accomplish their usual tasks while having a destination in mind.

When asked for clarification as to what a destination was, Dean James responded, “It can be a locker, but not if you plan to hang out at it. But if you go to the WERCS, then you can hang out there. It’s a fine line really. Like, a destination might be M-Hall. Wait, no, a destination can’t just be a hallway. Can it? …Put your cell phone away! Oh, now we allow those. There is nothing to see here!”

On the plus side, this will promote learning. So…that’s always cool.

Finals Are So Stressfullll

By Alice Sharpe, Type A Freshman

My first high school finals are coming up and I’m totally freaking out! These tests will determine my whole life—literally. My final scores decide what grade I get in my first semester of high school, which determines my GPA, which affects what college I go to and then what job I get and how much money I make and if I can find the perfect husband. So, yes, if you ask me, finals are a HUGE deal. How else am I supposed to handle my three adopted children from Africa and adorable twins without a spouse that I met at an Ivy League university? Brad Pitts are not just falling from the sky, people.

So that I don’t slack off, I make sure to check the IC app on my phone at least five times an hour just in case a teacher posts something. Last week I made my older brother show me how to calculate my semester grade, so I know exactly what grades I need to score on these tests. Since I don’t have a free period, I make sure to re-calculate my grades every off-lab in order to prioritize classes for studying. Spanish will be the toughest: I actually have to rely on natural talent to ace my speaking final and my Quizlet is down…

But I think I can do it. I designed a study schedule over winter break to organize my studying. It took the entire two weeks to create, but it will be totally helpful when I do start studying.

Right now I am in the process of taking all of my stuff home so that I can start studying. True story: my backpack was so heavy it set off the passenger fasten seat belt alarm while I was trying to get some sleep in the backseat when my mom picked me up from school. But who needs sleep when these grades are so important? Right now my hand’s cramping up, but these totally safe 5-Hour Energy drinks are helping me pull an all-nighter to get this article in for deadline. Wish me luck!

Finals Are Lax, Bro

By Brody Macabro, Type B Senior

My last high school finals are coming up and I’m pumped. Man, I’m so ready to go to college. These tests will be a breeze. Now that I think about it, the six weeks of finals I’ve experienced here at DHS have been pretty sweet. The total time of like one school day spread over a week is nice. So, if you ask me, finals are really no big deal.

I kind of forgot my Infinite Campus password, so I have no idea how I’m doing in my classes. Spanish should be the easiest, ‘cause Profe said we only have an oral exam, and I went to the dentist last week. I can definitely pull off a C+, piece of cake. After Spanish on Wednesday, I’m jetting out of town since I have 678 free. True story: I dropped science to get 7th and 8th free and I go home and take a nap errday.

It’s been a nice first semester, you know, going home for lunch and coming back to school for practice to keep my gym waiver. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve basically got four free periods, five if you include math (which I do—first period?! It’s like the scheduling people are begging me to sleep through it).

But back to finals. I figure I’ll start studying over the weekend if I remember to take my textbooks home. I made a pretty classy schedule for the weekend, with some links to Facebook and StumbleUpon to reward my hard work organizing. I also totally recommend Sporcle.com for some prime procrastinating. It’s awesome: when my mom walks in, I just tell her I’m studying geography, and she totally buys that they still teach that in high school social studies! It’s like, psyche mom, I’m in Psych!

So is this article long enough yet? Oh crap, I think I lost the gym syllabus. That final’s gonna be challenging. Oh wait, there isn’t one. Aw yeahhh. You know what, Imma peace now. It’s time for my nap.

St. Alfonzo, MN–8 1/4-year-old Jimmy O’Toole astonished the world on Thursday with his discovery that, contrary to popular belief, clouds are not a mass coalescence of water molecules, but in fact cotton candy (a mass coalescence of sugar and carcinogens). When asked about the data on which he bases his fantastic new hypothesis, Jimmy had this to say: “For one thing,” he said, raising a pudgy, pudding-stained finger, “they look the same. For another, they smell the same…from a distance.” Shortly after the prodigy of Mrs. Fitzhugh’s third grade class revealed his new hypothesis, the American Association of Meteorologists called a meeting and issued their own statement. The statement read, “That seems as reasonable as anything we could have come up with.” The same afternoon as the revelation in St. Alfonzo, the ADADAR (American Dental Association for Dentistry (And Redundancy)) flexed their muscles in Washington where they pressured President Obama to reinstate the ban on clouds. Millard Fillmore banned them in 1851, but the Act was repealed as part of the Compromise of 1877. The ADADAR estimates that clouds must be responsible for at least 80% of all tooth decay in the United States, and probably diabetes, too. When asked what he planned to do now that he had revolutionized science, the brooding genius replied that he has ambitions of joining the race for the Republican Presidential Nomination.

HIGHLAND PARK—The HPHS Burn Book, penned in the traditional Mean Girls style by an HPHS student, has unexpectedly spearheaded a literary revolution by becoming a New York Times best seller.

The Burn Book, which contains snide remarks about a number of members of the Highland Park community, has been flying off bookshelves since it was published at HPHS a few weeks ago. Despite its blunt phraseology and controversial decision to use real names and events, The Burn Book has received critical acclaim by people such as J.K. Rowling, Oprah Winfrey, and Regina George.

According to New York Times book critic Pré Tentious, “The characters are absolutely enthralling. The Burn Book’s writer is so passionate in her voice that you almost feel like it was written by someone who needed to vent their emotional problems in the most obnoxious way possible.”

The review went on to praise the book as “groundbreaking” and “a scathing editorial on the mundane life of the average student.” But, despite these encouraging remarks from the general public, The Burn Book still has its critics.

“This piece of literature is fundamentally flawed,” noted English professor and HPHS parent Andrew Anderson. “The author failed to use basic writing conventions that would have provided for a more compelling story arc than what was printed. Also, my daughter is a religious girl and has not done anything the book says.”

Even with the concerns about its structure and validity, The Burn Book has redrawn attention to the genre of whiny, mean-spirited remarks about the people that for some reason had to be put down on paper.  With this formula, the HPHS Burn Book has eclipsed Twilight as most popular unnecessary, over-emotional scrawl ever passed off as a book.

The Flipside tried to contact the author and publisher of The Burn Book but was unable to reach her before she was unfortunately hit by a bus. And that was how the author died. Just kidding, but she did get really hurt.

By Ethel Flakes

DEERFIELD, IL–Speculation as to how School Chest received its name has been surrounding the yearly charity drive for as long as Uggs have been cool. After consulting Siri, who was unable to tell us anything other than that there are eight Starbucks located within five miles of Deerfield, The Flipside did a little investigating.

As it turns out, School Chest was originally a rummage sale called community chest. With a lawsuit from Monopoly pending, DHS changed its name to avoid one-eyed stares from the monocle-wearing Monopoly man. APES decided to pick up the rummage sale duties because that obviously correlates to their curriculum…through recycling (which is totally not Earthwork’s niche at all). The new School Chest was taken over by StuCo, never to be confused with StuCon, and the school quickly announced how proud they were that all of their clubs were so different and that no responsibilities ever overlapped.

Unfortunately, some students disagree with the existence of all of the “different” activities. “What’s next? Lock club? Hexagon club? Book club using sign language while speaking words club?” junior Jellie Bean asked.

However, these three weeks of School Chest are a uniting time, when all the clubs can cast aside their differences for one goal. To do so, each club is responsible for planning a different fund-raising activity. Yet this year, with the first ever international School Chest, the events are getting a bit of a face-lift (liposuction was too expensive).

The mahjong tournament will now be a BINGO tournament, with the hopes of attracting elderly men, young children, and cruise-goers in addition to the usual crowd of moms and elderly women.
“I can’t wait to get in the vacation mode with the BINGO tournament. Usually School Chest cramps my style of trying to lose weight before bikini time over break, but this will definitely help my BINGO skills for my cruise next week” sophomore Sandra Tanner raved.

Mr. DHS will now be a co-ed dogs and children pageant titled “Little cuties of DHS.” Sponsors are hoping to ride the coattails of both the successes of “Toddlers and Tiaras” and the annual Deerfield 4th of July dog show.

Deerfield Idol is also receiving a makeover, and will be called “Deerfield’s Got Talent and The X Factor.” The new all-a capella show will feature judges’ chairs like on “The Voice,” except organizers have yet to find a judge as short and as fat as Cee-Lo to fill that spot. The other two judges will be a British guy and Kellie Pickler. According to Pickler, Nickelback wanted in on the international School Chest, but were turned away because when revealed they were Canadian they were unable to perform Robin Sparkles’ “Let’s Go To the Mall” in its entirety. “Hey, the NFL hates them too” Fred Faskwol said, justifying why DHS would turn down the help of rich superstars.

Homeroom sales will remain the chaos that they have been of past years, just as the benefit will remain unattended by the average student.

Sadly, what most look forward to as their favorite part of School Chest is in danger: Esther may have a previous commitment on the day of the Golden Chef sale. She could not be reached for comment, but hopeful students are preparing their best $5 bills to welcome Esther back to DHS.

Oh, and don’t forget the bowl-a-thon.

DEERFIELD, IL–Every day, the janitors come up from Custodia to stack every chair in the lunch room on top of the tables. But this stacking time is becoming earlier and earlier—so much so that Flipside reporters decided to investigate the problem. Recent studies show that the average time at which a first stacking occurs is at 12:17 p.m., almost an hour before the final lunch period ends.

“I haven’t even opened my bag of Gardetto’s by the time they start putting the chairs on the tables,” said sophomore Sami Willicker. “I’m considering moving to the CCRC because I just feel so pressured to finish my lunch every day.”

But The Flipside has discovered that this premature chair-stacking is much more than the acts of an overachieving custodial staff. It is in fact part of a conspiracy that can be traced all the way to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C. Deerfield’s “janitors” are actually agents of Michelle Obama’s campaign to end childhood obesity in America.

“I’m just doing what I was told,” said a nervous James Hatcher, the DHS’ head custodian. “They told me that the faster we stack the chairs, the less the students will want to eat.”

However, the plan seems to backfiring at DHS. Students are being forced to shovel down their lunches as fast as they can, causing their metabolisms to slow down. And the drive-by caf is certainly not helping the cause. Since the new area opened last week, students are leaving the cafeteria in record time (cookie sales have also soared 137%, but that’s a different story). They are no longer taking the time to enjoy the ketchup ceiling stains from the Great Food Fight of ’09, the beautiful views of the staff parking lot, or find the disappearing Legend of Zelda branded trays.

What’s more, the library has noticed a boom of students coming to study once the chair-stacking starts. This leads us to believe that it is linked to something even bigger than Michelle Obama: China. It is now believed that President Barak Obama’s approval of the First Lady’s health initiatives is rooted in his plan to catch American students up to the level of our Chinese counterparts.

The conspiracy is, however, benefitting the janitors. Our investigators discovered that once the last student leaves the lunchroom, the janitors crank up a boombox, clear out the tables, and make the cafeteria into a dance floor. For them, faster chair stacking means better dance parties.

But for the students, the chair-stacking problem at DHS has no end in sight. If you are interested in ending this torture to the student body here and to students at schools all across the nation, PLEASE, sign the online petition at: www.ilikethefeelingofbeingoutofbreathafteriwalkupaflightofstairs.org.

DEERFIELD, IL–Chances are, most of you reading this article immediately noticed the phrase “Call of Duty” and decided it was worth reading. It is. This new Call of Duty game has bucketloads of new features such as perks, guns, first-person shooting aspects, and Russians. And boy have these installments have gotten the gaming community talking. However, the first purchaser of the game, Tiko Kawasaki, had incredible insight on a possible software glitch to the new version that may revolutionize COD forever. But he only spoke Japanese, and The Flipside can’t afford a translator.

Students all over the world and Canada are buzzing with already-found camping spots and how the quickscoping will work in multiplayer. Richard “Camper Rick” Berger is already getting annoyed with the new crop of cheap-shotting n00bs taking over the Modern Warfare 3 battlefield. But Timmy “Snipe-y” Reynolds, a repeat quickscoping offender, criticizes people like Berger. “We elite OpTic snipers hate Randoms who ‘patrol the area.’ We just want to record ourselves play and show everyone on Youtube that they are not as good us.”

The new game has also surprisingly caused enlistments in the real army to skyrocket. Apparently, people think that skills in COD somehow relate to using an actual gun. One new enlistment realized that the gun was “a lot heavier than the Xbox controller” and another enlistment said “wait a second. If I die, I’m not going to respawn. Damn.”

The professional gamers are especially excited that the new game has come out, hoping that it will raise their “salaries.” 25-year-old Scotty Button says he’s been working over-time to keep up with the increase in Xbox traffic. “I’ve just worked really hard to make it to this point, and I think I deserve a break,” said Button. When Flipside reporters asked Button what he would do during the break, he said “play COD, obviously. What else would I do?”  When the reporters suggested going outside, Button just started twitching uncontrollably.

It goes without saying, this game will be another Best Buy-Buster worth staying up for hours on end. So go ahead and make that dedicated six-man party on “Search and Destroy” and neglect your school work that will get you nowhere in life. For Call of Duty, it’s definitely worth it.

Alright froshies, The Flipside is here to prepare you for your first Halloween at DHS. It’s a day full of excitement when you can stare at everyone’s costumes instead of learning stuff in class. But you need to put some thought into choosing a costume. Every year we see the same superheroes, Disney characters, Harry Potters, firefighters, Lady GaGas, and plenty of other clichés.

Don’t be that annoying group of freshmen who get t-shirts as costumes. Just because you paid $30 to have a princess printed on a shirt doesn’t mean you are one—so let’s not pretend we’re in middle school anymore. And you don’t need to prove that you have friends with that little “Halloween 2011 Gummy Bears” in the corner. You might as well write “OMG, like I still use AIM!<3”
You will see a funny junior with a risqué costume who risks detention by completely violating the Dean’s lovely email. Adam Long, who was a female mariachi player/burrito maker last year, still defends his choice of costume.

“I mean, I wasn’t trying to offend anyone or anything. Hey, did you know that adding ‘no offense’ at the end of any sentence makes it okay for you to say anything?”

Really, test out Adam’s advice. Your gym teacher won’t be offended when you tell them you aren’t going to do that project on the rules of field hockey “cuz this isn’t a real class, no offense.” Totally okay! But what’s totes not okay are some of the sophomore girls’ costume choices.

Their skimpy outfits as flappers, referees, or cops are also pretty risqué. But it’s Halloween, so they can get away with wearing short shorts at the end of October and breaking the dress code.

“Wait, we have a dress code? Whatevs, I looked hawt!” sophomore Brooke Golde, who dressed as a police officer last year said.
The police costume is surprisingly popular among girls and boys alike. You will probably see it worn by a group of hilarious upperclassmen boys in addition to underclassmen girls. Todd Banlee, an ex-senior currently taking a gap year to become the best COD player in the Chicagoland area, weighed in on being a retro cop last year.

“Dude, our shorts were so short they served an ironic purpose, obviously. It was really the shorts that made the costume. Old school basketball players or lumberjacks woulda been just as fly for me to show off my legs.”

Not everyone can pull of the short shorts, so someone will undoubtedly be in a banana suit. Anyone can buy a banana suit, and you won’t impress anybody. Moral of the story: try for some originality. You don’t want to end up crying in the bathroom from any ‘who wore it best?’ embarrassment.

Final tip: You can never go wrong as a ghost from a white sheet a la Charlie Brown. Oh wait, that covers your face – sorry, not allowed!

“Gee whiz!” exclaimed the 600,000 square feet of plastic grass and rubber pellets. “You have no idea how excited I am to be the new home of, what I’m sure is, the highly successful DHS athletic program! Right?”

The new field admitted to The Flipside that it knew very little about the school itself and was generally inexperienced when it came to hosting athletic events. Nonetheless, the field expressed its high expectations for the high school’s team’s performance in the coming years.

“I expect to win championships in football, soccer, field hockey, and lacrosse in my first year. Once I get all settledin year two is when the real work starts. But I am humbled that DHS trusts me to inherit the best high school sportsprogram in the history of ever.”

However, the turf was surprised to learn that several people thought it a “waste of money” and “a flashy addition for bragging rights. Completely baffled and offended, the turf guaranteed that it would prove all the disbelievers wrong soon enough. If there’s one thing the field is contributing to the student body, it’s patience.

The turf further went on to say that while it was enjoying its new place in the world, the baseball field was bitter and a terrible conversationalist and the back forty only made strange gurgling noises. The dirt and grass that formerly made up the ground at Adam’s Field could not be reached for comment, but was last seen being hauled away in several large dump trucks while angrily cursing at the world.

Once upon a time, ARENA was the yearly tradition of waiting in line for hours to talk to a counselor for three minutes in hopes that enough complaining could change your schedule. Spoiled students everywhere grew to love the clearly North Shore tradition, and would camp outside of the Athletics entrance hours before ARENA even began in an attempt to be the first to whine about their schedule. However, this year Deerfield decided to teach their students a lesson in commitment and revoked ARENA, leaving many students feeling trapped and betrayed by the administration.

Senior Jamie Carlisle has a fourth period free and is not happy about it. She was hoping to do what many have tried to do but few have succeeded in: getting 1st period free. “It is like, really important that I have 1st period free” says Carlisle. “I mean, it takes me a full hour for my latte to sink in. I just can’t be in class that early!” Un-fortunately for Carlisle, her latte will just have to kick in a bit faster this year, as her counselor will not budge—not even for a $25 Applebee’s Coupon.

Despite ARENA’s removal, some students have tried to work around the system. Junior Dan Freeman began an underground class swap in the area behind the screens in the E-Hall lecture rooms. In order to participate in the scheme, students must put a full list of their scheduled classes in an envelope and place it behind the good drink-ing fountain in M-Hall and can retrieve it there two days later. The procedure is risky, with no guarantee of what classes will get switched. One senior was able to drop AP Psych but was unfortunately switched into Freshman English Survey instead. In addition to the severe risk, the service is pricey, costing as much as an over-priced DHS parking pass.

For students who wish to stay on the good side of the administration, they are forced to stay in their current classes. DHS Counselor Joan Peretti gives some advice on the matter, saying “you made the decision to take these classes, and you should learn to live with your choices. Don’t be such babies.” Soon after saying this, Peretti asked The Flipside not to print it, but we instructed her to live with her choices.