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Ask Mr. Motzko: Politically Correct

Dear Mr. Motzko, 

We run an underground, bimonthly satirical newspaper at a well-known suburban North Shore high school. We worked hard all year not to step on anybody’s toes, but recently, people have begun to take offense at some of the things we have written. How can we be sure that our jokes appeal to the entire student body?

Sincerely,

The SideFlip Staff

Dear SideFlip Staff,

“If you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen”-Harry S. Truman

Strange, offensive words from a man responsible for the largest fireballs in modern warfare. To paraphrase another man responsible for unspeakable atrocities, The Eagles’ Glenn Frey, “the heat is on”, Flipside. It is on the streets and, currently, squarely on you. Speaking of heat, it warms my carbonite-frozen heart to know that when you think of offending large numbers of people, I’m apparently your go-to guy. Aside from injustice, Mordor and GreatClips, political correctness is my greatest foe. I hearken back to the words of the late, celebrated filth-merchant (and narrator of Thomas the Tank Engine), George Carlin and his infamous 1972 “Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television” honk. In an act of homage (and sheer laziness), I offer the Seven Words You Should Never Use In The Flipside:

1) Bromance – This term is highly offensive to young, white, upper-middle class males with ties to collegiate fraternities. Theirs is a history fraught with oppression and disenfranchisement. Their inappropriately loud and slurred voices must be heard.

2) Die – Never say die. NEVER SAY DIE, MAGGOT! Now drop and give me 110%! Blast those quads!

3) Titular Archbishopric – Why denigrate those whose place in the religious firmament is in name only?

4) Boff! – Along with Sock! and Zlamm!, these otherwise innocuous or nonsensical words become highly offensive when placed within the borders of a brightly colored word balloon and spliced adjacent to mid-1960’s footage of Batman’s enemies. It condones a legacy of violence.

5) Swede – The Torstenson War of 1643 must, nay, WILL be avenged! Sound the narwhal horn! Tomorrow we ride on Palmberg!

6) Nickelback – I know. A wider, easier target has not existed since the NBA stopped using peach baskets. That said, I hold these offensive, ham-fisted hacks in direct violation of the Canadian Arena-Rock Quality Assurance Act of 1974 (previously known as the Lee-Lifeson-Peart Pact).

7) Pneumonoutramicroscopicsiliovolcanoniosis– Because Flipside ink is neither free nor does it grow on trees. Flipside ink is made of people.  It’s made of people!

Now that’s offensive.

August 2, 2012

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