New Turf Field Confident About State Title Chances

By: Michael Pattis

The brand new turf field at Deerfield High School recently released its first statement to the press since its installation last summer. In a recent conference, the bright green, carpet-like expanse expressed optimism about DHS winning a state title in any and all sports that could be played on the synthetic field.

“Gee whiz!” exclaimed the 600,000 square feet of plastic grass and rubber pellets. “You have no idea how excited I am to be the new home of, what I’m sure is, the highly successful DHS athletic program! Right?”

The new field admitted to The Flipside that it knew very little about the school itself and was generally inexperienced when it came to hosting athletic events. Nonetheless, the field expressed its high expectations for the high school’s team’s performance in the coming years.

“I expect to win championships in football, soccer, field hockey, and lacrosse in my first year. Once I get all settledin year two is when the real work starts. But I am humbled that DHS trusts me to inherit the best high school sportsprogram in the history of ever.”

However, the turf was surprised to learn that several people thought it a “waste of money” and “a flashy addition for bragging rights. Completely baffled and offended, the turf guaranteed that it would prove all the disbelievers wrong soon enough. If there’s one thing the field is contributing to the student body, it’s patience.

The turf further went on to say that while it was enjoying its new place in the world, the baseball field was bitter and a terrible conversationalist and the back forty only made strange gurgling noises. The dirt and grass that formerly made up the ground at Adam’s Field could not be reached for comment, but was last seen being hauled away in several large dump trucks while angrily cursing at the world.

October 12, 2011