By Burford Stetson

IDIJAMAMA, ZIMBABWE – Just last week, Zimbabwean government passed a legislative act outlawing “the possession, use, and/or distribution of marijuana and/or marijuana products.” This landmark new law is tremendously momentous for two reasons. For one, I’m pretty sure Zimbabwe doesn’t have a government. Secondly, the act of legislation singlehandedly ceased the persistent dilemma of starvation for the country.

Apparently, Zimbabweans had consumed so many marijuana drugs that they just had the munchies all the time. Said newly sober Idijamama resident Tyreek Mutzumbo, “You know, maybe we shoulda thought of this long ago. Now we have plenty of food. I mean we do live in the jungle after all. When we said starving, we really just meant that we could use a McDonald’s or two around here.”

Now you, amongst ignorant others, might be asking yourself, “What does this have to do with me?” Then again you only bought your “Save Darfur” T-Shirt because you thought it said “Save Ferris” (Who is Darfur?). In actuality, this has everything to do with you. This recent upturn in Zimbabwean society should prove to have a grand effect on American culture. A recent study showed that 90% of white Americans attempt to emulate black culture in order to make themselves seem cool. If you don’t believe me, take a look at all the Deerfield High students wearing Air Force ones while raising the roof to some Lil’ Wayne. No ceilings! How else do you think Barack Obama is going to bring “Change?” He doesn’t have a super majority, but he as a super cool culture.

Now that marijuana has seen a sharp decline in African culture, expect its popularity to immensely decrease in the United States. And don’t expect McDonald’s to stay in business much longer. Now, finally, we can go to Burger King like I always suggest to my friends. And I can eat my food as wastefully as I please, without arrogant, self-proclaimed “philanthropists” expecting me to ship my leftovers to the starving kids in Africa.

Popularity: 18% [?]

By Buford Stetson

DEERFIELD, IL – Osama Bin Laden was found hiding on the dance floor this past weekend at the Deerfield High School turnabout. When asked how he chose his hiding place, Bin Laden simply responded, “I figured it was the last place anyone would be seen.”

Deerfield High School Administration celebrated when students turned Bin Laden in to local security guards. “I just can’t believe it! Here at our very own dance, we get to witness history. Students! Real Students! Dancing, even!” stated Principal Audrey Gryffindor.

The impressive turnout at the dance can largely be attributed to the fact that there is quite simply, “Nothing else to do in Deerfield,” as local Junior David Goldberg stated. Amongst other reasons for attendance were school spirit, social rebellion, and forced attendance by angry parents who refuse to support the immaturity of teens who skip the dance to have fun.

After Bin Laden was captured, he was willing to confess his former hiding places in hopes of mercy from the American Government, which still claims that waterboarding is not torture. Apparently the terrorist felt that remote caves were to obvious, and instead resorted to deserted social locations. Amongst other locations, Northbrook Court and Brunswick Zone were cited as temporary hideouts for Bin Laden immediately preceding his appearance at turnabout. Bin Laden stated no regrets, other than his apparel choice to the dance. When asked for further information, he stated, “I had no idea what semi-formal meant! I wasn’t sure if that meant there would be a compromise on the food or the clothing.” Bin Laden’s choice of a tuxedo t-shirt was ineffective at helping him hide.

Popularity: 65% [?]

By Buford Stetson
HIGHLAND PARK, IL – A lot of things changed for former Deerfield resident Mike White when he turned sixty-five in 2010. All of a sudden, he didn’t have to worry about getting caught with his fake 1944 ID when he was trying to get a discount on the grand slam breakfast at Denny’s. His workload started to decrease, but he would get paid anyway. But, most importantly, his will to keep pushing started to fade. Sure being a senior citizen was nice, but there was so much to look forward to after that. Heaven would be like one big party: you live there all the time, the facilities are totally sick, and campus police are pretty much nonexistent. And since White knew he could get in no matter what he did his senior-citizen years, he simply gave up trying and just had fun. He laughed at the younger people who were still working.
He boasted that “senior-citizens 2010 rule!” and that it was just about the “Young adults’ bedtime.” This last chant was particularly ironic, since the young adults were out practically all night and White could barely stay up to watch the CBS Nightly News before he collapsed in a pile of coupons from the local grocery store.
Unfortunately, just last month, White kicked the bucket at age 65. After he picked the bucket back up, he passed away. When his grandson threw the ball back to him, White made a final push, but gave up. He did not catch the ball. It was at that point in time he decided to check out early. After he left the hotel, he was knocking on Heaven’s door within a couple hours. His wife, Heaven, was very happy to see him and

Popularity: 19% [?]

By George Minkowski
DEERFIELD, IL – The 2009-2010 school year will be the last of a veteran French teacher here at Deerfield. As she leaves the classroom, she also leaves behind a hole to be filled. Who will teach her classes? That call was answered by the current World Languages department chair who has decided to return to the classroom. But who will run the entire department?
The administration, in an effort to appear sympathetic, put an ad on Craig’s List to fill the position. It said, “Yo, we need a dep’t chair ASAP. The pay ain’t good and the benefits… well we can’t offer you any benefits. Any takers?”
Surprisingly, there were no takers, but that didn’t discourage our benevolent leaders. They initially looked into appointing either a Ouija Board or Magic 8 Ball as department chair, but decided that would be rude to the teachers. They attempted to find a human to fill the position, but no teacher was really that enthusiastic about taking on a second full time job for no additional pay besides Celine Dion tickets.
Luckily, Auto-Pilot stepped up at the last minute. “Auto-Pilot is perfect for the job,” said an assistant principal. “We don’t need to pay it and it’ll keep the school going in the same direction it has been recently. I think we can all agree that this is a good thing.”
Several World Languages teachers attempted to voice their dissent in the administration’s decision, but the language barrier was too much to overcome.
“We were speaking English,” said a Spanish teacher. “I think they didn’t understand how to deal with criticism.”
“No Español,” said the administrator.

Popularity: 27% [?]

By Gunther Hausman
This past Friday, the rap group Endiskize came to DHS to film their music video for the song “We Don’t Back Down.” The largely obscure rap group was inspired by our school spirit and thought it would be appropriate to disrupt a full day of learning to film their video.
Many were opposed to the idea, but administrators and teachers alike were assured that their students would be returned to them as soon as they were finished shooting.
Endiskize, with over 160 (but under 162) MySpace friends, is the third most popular music group to come out of the west Chicago suburbs behind only Dr. DJ Stein, MD, PIMP and Justin Bieber’s cousin. Their semi-widespread fame and unique message (tolerance maybe?) evidently earned them enough “cred” that when they said we would be on MTV, we were actually impressed.
Ms. China, a member of the rap trio, believes those who participated in the music video did not waste their time. “Being in the video was a learning experience or whatever. Those kids learned that they can get as excited as they want to be in a video, but we will just edit them out if they have acne.
“Word,” added co-member, BooMan.
Perhaps most impressive was Endiskize’s attention to detail. Most would anticipate a simple scene where the students walk through D-hall would take around twenty minutes, maybe a half hour. Wrong! Three hours of filming later, Endiskize finally had a shot they could be happy with: a culturally and socially diverse school population generally excited about learning. If they ever add a best co-actor in a music video category to the Oscars, Deerfield High School students will certainly get the nod.
Another testament to their attention to detail was BooMan’s shirt: sleeveless flannel. Because apparently he can discern such a great temperature difference between his arms and torso that his shirt choice was hardly even an option.

Popularity: 26% [?]

Dear Mr. Motzko,
OMG SO BORED! After spring break, anywhere sounds better than school. I think I have Senioritis. This debilitating condition is wreaking havoc on my life. And the worst part of all– I’m just a sophomore. Do you know of any cures or treatments?
Sincerely,
Done-with-school in Deerfield
Listen up, carbon-based chair-covers. Stop dipping into my precious oxygen reserve with your litany of woe and get hip to the scene that is real post-haste. Focus your rage about the injustice of the world on something important, like why we can’t get an Orange Julius franchise in the teacher’s lounge. Teen angst is the province of teens and one visited without reason (much like the province of Alberta). Teenage worries should be about lunch table Balkanization and whether or not Poseidon is indeed your father.
In my day, Senioritis was a terminal disease that could only be cured via a brutal, civil-war quality amputation. It has since been renamed “graduation”. This was followed by senior ditch day, otherwise known as the first day of our career as ditch diggers. The world needs them too, you know.
That said, I would be violating my hippopotamus oath if I were to deny you cut-rate medical advice. Senioritis translates literally to “inflamed senior”, which should not to be confused with “senior on fire” (senior ignis) for which all charges have been dropped, provided I never teach chemistry again in Illinois.
This malady is one of the most self-diagnosed diseases of the matriculation-related spectrum and is certainly one of the most annoying for all parties involved. By comparison, Freshmeningitis is a lower grade infection. The initial onset of Senioritis can be quite subtle, if your definition of subtle is a black velvet painting of Elvis killing a lion.
Unfortunately, for you, Senioritis has no cure and will pass with an ease comparable to the male-birth ritual of kidney stones. It would be best just to accept this knowledge calmly and with dignity. And by screaming your self hoarse into a tear-stained pillow during your free periods.

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By Jeremy Hoodaman
Authorities in Deerfield are fed up with the smiles and laughter of teens in the community.
The chief of police promised consequences for residents who attempt to have a good time. Punishments will by doubly harsh for parents who knowingly let their children enjoy their high school experience. Jumping on trampolines, playing Wii Tennis, and making Shrinky Dinks are just several now illegal acts that police are cracking down on.
“Deerfield has prided itself for being a town built on sadness and fear. Our community’s law enforcement strategies only further support these values,” Deerfield mayor Harriet Rosenthal told The Flipside. “We want tax-payers to know that it is the goal of every Deerfield government worker that Deerfield students will be sitting at home alone on Saturday nights for many years to come.”
Village officials say they are increasing efforts to stop the already small amounts of fun that Deerfield teens can manage. Several DHS students have already felt the effects of the decidedly harsh measures taken by the high school administration. Last week, two students were suspended from school after the deans got hold of Facebook pictures depicting them embracing one another outside of Potbelly’s, allegedly sporting large grins.
“I have had a long chat with police chief Stephen Hartley,” the mayor continued, “and we have both agreed that the sound of children’s laughter makes us both incredibly nauseous. So we will be taking a look at that as well.”
Some of their plans include making the skate park an extension of the Patty-Turner senior center, only to be used by their residents.

Popularity: 9% [?]