By George Minkowski
DEERFIELD– After becoming fed up with not understanding the baseball metaphors for sex in teen movies, two local parents worked up the courage to ask their son what it all meant.
Billy and Sandy Reaves initiated the awkward conversation with their son, Jason, at dinner last Thursday night. The moments that ensued reportedly felt like they lasted for hours and will certainly not be soon forgotten by either party.
The first question asked was what “first base” was. Jason instantly understood the question but hoped he was wrong in his interpretation. He responded by giving a brief description of baseball. Unfortunately for him, his parents were already familiar with America’s past-time.
“No, silly,” said Sandy Reaves. “‘First base’ in relationships.”
Jason mustered up the courage to describe “first base” as just “hooking up,” but that only raised more questions.
“What’s ‘hooking up’?” asked Billy Reaves.
“Kill me,” responded Jason.
The three sat at the table trying to communicate across generations until they finally arrived at a mutual definition of “hooking up.”
“I really understood what Jason was saying when he put it in Harry Potter terms,” Sandy Reaves told Flipside reporters. “First base is like ‘snogging.’”
Jason frequently tried to excuse himself from the table but wasn’t permitted until they got to the bottom of the whole “nth base thing.”
The entire ordeal lasted around 15 minutes, the bulk of the time being spent on explaining second base. However, Jason somehow managed to get the point across without mentioning human beings.
Both Billy and Sandy Reaves reported feeling “much better after having this conversation.” Jason, on the other hand, could not be reached for comment as he is currently barricaded inside of his room.

Popularity: 23% [?]

By Buford Stetson
DEERFIELD, IL – Local Freshman John Morris lives a very organized life. He does all of his math homework (even if the teacher is not checking it in), he uses free periods to do homework for a future day, and he scrawls every assignment he receives in his official Deerfield High School Student Handbook. Most teachers consider John an ideal student. I consider him a loser, but that’s beside the point.
Last Wednesday, John misplaced his student handbook and has yet to recover from the consequences. New handbooks are for sale at the bookstore for a fairly reasonable price of $8, but John cannot get another one. John became so reliant on his student handbook that he can’t seem to remember anything not written down in it. John can’t look in his lost handbook, so he can’t find a new one. While this predicament has led John to a certain level of stress, he has finally begun to embrace the lives of upperclassmen.
In this short week, John has learned new ways to remember his homework. He now relies on the girls in his classes since they cannot seem to pass up an opportunity to write in pink high lighter. John now has an excuse to talk to all the hottest girls also. Unfortunately, he has yet to learn what their response of “no prob” to his thank you text message implies. What they type is no prob. What they think is more along the lines of “I am not interested in you. Please do not try and force a conversation out of your inability to use pink highlighter.” Don’t worry John. Younger girls always want to talk to you. And I heard the seventh graders this year are pretty hot.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Popularity: 7% [?]

Popularity: 6% [?]

Popularity: 7% [?]

Popularity: 5% [?]

Popularity: 8% [?]

By George Minkowski and Buford Stetson
Offered to Sophomores, the combined English/Social Studies class “Perspectives” is know around the school for being one of the finest courses offered at Deerfield High School. It’s innovative curriculum combined with passionate teachers made students equally passionate about reading, writing, and history. However, stimulating and effective classes are not the future of Deerfield; mini-laptops are.
Indeed, it is the dream of every Deerfield administrator that all students will one day have his or her own mini-laptop to use as long as they are enrolled at DHS. That dream started with twenty-something donated to the school by the PTA and is further realized with another six purchased with money that has funded a highly successful class for the past eight years. These mini-laptops, essentially purchased with stolen money, are manufactured in countries not yet recognized by the UN and thus their quality is something to laugh at. But still, the costly paperweights/computers are great if you need to check your e-mail and only have two hours to do it.
“‘Perspectives’ changed my life. I was truly excited to go to class every day,” says Junior Hannah Able. “But I do understand that in these tough economic times, mini-laptops are the safest investment.” Although mini-laptops are the greatest possible use of the school’s money, the administration, in its infinite wisdom, scrounged up enough cash to fund another class in the place of “Perspectives.”
That class is called “Western Worlds.” It will be offered to Freshman next year. You may not be familiar with this class because it was such a failure two years ago that they didn’t even run it this year, but that was then and this is now. The administration is aware of the past, but they believe they have a good enough reason to repeat it.
Says an anonymous administrator; “We understand that cutting ‘Perspectives’ and adding ‘Western Worlds’ can be seen by any sane person as fixing something that isn’t broken. However, fixing things that don’t need fixing is a Deerfield tradition dating back to 1978 when we changed all of the hall names from A, B, C, and D to I, G, Q and F.”
This tradition of acting irrationally and without consideration for students and teachers is the most obvious reason why DHS is a blue-ribbon school. Who said anything about the great courses offered at Deerfield being a reason for its success?
The administration even has proof that non-essential technology and failed classes are a more cost effective way to get blue ribbons. A recent study published by Bob’s College of Knowledge concluded that there is a positive correlation between mini-laptops and academic success. The study goes on to say that correlation invariably means causation.
“No, we did not fabricate the study and Bob’s College of Knowledge to silence those opposed to our actions,” adds the anonymous administrator.
But as the battle rages on between the administration and advocates of the “Perspectives” class, there is one thing they can both agree on: those mini laptops are simply adorable.

Popularity: 13% [?]

By Giles Henderson
NORTHBROOK, IL – It’s not uncommon for teens to dedicate large amounts of their time to stay competitive in the college admissions process. One local girl was willing to take matters a step further to ensure that she got into college.
After reading several college applications, Glenbrook North Junior Sara Hughes devised a perfect plan. Said Hughes, “Well I read somewhere that there’s a place on the college application were you can basically write an excuse. So like, if your grades were terrible Junior year but you had to balance a job to support your family you could write that down. I knew that my grades were going to be horrible this year because my classes are like, really hard, so I knew I had to come up with a good excuse.”
Hughes then devised a plan to contract a potentially deadly disease so that she wouldn’t have to accept responsibility for her downward trend in grades. Her plan really took form when she looked at the essay portion of the applications. “All of the questions reference, like, some important time in your life or something. Or like a learning experience. And that’s when I settled on tuberculosis. It’s perfect! I had to be quarantined, for like, 5 months. And I mean what better time for personal growth than in quarantine!?”
Hughes was accepted to the University of Wisconsin last Wednesday, but her potential attendance is still unknown. Apparently, tuberculosis can kill you. I, for one, thought they tested for it because the vaccination makes your skin turn pretty colors. Hughes hopes to join her friends at the University of Wisconsin as soon as she is released from the hospital.
Still Hughes doesn’t regret her potentially deadly decision. After all, if she hadn’t gotten in to University of Wisconsin, she probably

Popularity: 8% [?]

By Jeremy Hoodaman
In a shocking press conference held yesterday, James Cameron revealed that many of the people, places and events depicted in his critically acclaimed film Avatar were fabricated.
Avatar, which premiered late last year, focuses on an indigenous tribe of aliens, known as Na’vi, living on Pandora, a moon in the Alpha Centauri star system. Now the highest-grossing film of all time, Avatar has captivated millions of viewers with its picturesque scenery, extraterrestrial battles, and nature-loving, blue-skinned aliens.
Moviegoers were understandably furious when Cameron admitted yesterday that he had made up many of the aspects of the Na’vi and their environment.
“We are many decades, even centuries, away from traveling to planets in other galaxies, let alone controlling ten-foot-tall aliens with our minds,” Cameron admitted to a stunned crowd. Attendees of the press conference often groaned and gasped at Cameron’s halting, stuttered admissions that certain facts and characters had been created by a team of writers.
Jon Landau, who produced the movie alongside Cameron, expressed his outrage in a statement made to The Flipside; “When James told me the movie would cost $300 million, I was surprised that the expenses of flying filming equipment to Pandora and back weren’t greater. Now I have one question: where the %$@# did my $300 million go?”
“I think for a while, this will make people careful,” said Roger Ebert, legendary film critic. “But this question of fact checking is a complicated one. At The New Yorker and Time and Newsweek, you have experienced people who know where to go and what’s right and what’s wrong. We as critics have been tricked by this demon seed known by some as James Cameron. There’s been a traditional dependency on the director, and this trust has apparently been broken.”
Upon hearing the news, picketers who had been protesting the government’s drilling under the Hometree sheepishly collected their things and left.
In a statement issued later yesterday, 20th Century Fox, which initially had called the allegations not worth looking into, said it had “sadly come to the realization that a number of facts have been altered and incidents embellished.” The film studio is also looking into allegations made towards Titanic, another one of Cameron’s well-received projects. Sources, who request anonymity, suspect that Leonardo DiCaprio was, in fact, never on the infamous passenger boat.

Popularity: 6% [?]