- Stay Connected
Socialize
Curler Can’t Find Friend to Sit with in Olympic Cafeteria
By George Minkowski VANCOUVER– Getting to the Olympics takes years of determination and sacrifice. That is, unless you are a curler, in which case all it takes is a complete…
Scandal of the Century: Two Girls Wear Same Sleazy Dress to Turnabout
By Stasi Starr DEERFIELD– As the old adage goes, no two snowflakes are exactly a like. Unfortunately, this doesn’t hold true for teenage girls, because on Saturday, two girls wore…
History Classes Officially Deemed Pointless
By Buford Stetson WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a press release last Friday, the United States Government officially deemed history classes “as useful as the pledge of allegiance in homeroom.” The…
Opinion: I Enjoy Doughnuts… So What?
By Officer Dan I spend long days patrolling the streets, enforcing speed limits and watching for dangerous activity. I work tirelessly to ensure the safety of this town and its…
Opinion: Found Nothing?! How About This Empty Gatorade Bottle?
By Butch, the Bomb-Sniffing German Shepherd Horray! I love coming to this place! There are never any bombs and always stuff to eat. I love eating! One time, I was—…
Area Student Wins Contest to See Who Can Get Less Sleep
By Gunther Hausmann After a near-sleepless night of doing homework and going on Facebook, Junior Kristen Holbrook declared that she received fewer hours of sleep than you. Her mere three…
Super Bowl Makes Tuesday Fatter
By Buford Stetson MIAMI, FL — As Tracy Porter intercepted Petyon Manning’s pass late in the fourth quarter and ran it back for a touchdown, I was quick to realize…
Congress Passes Landmark Anti-Obama Legislation
By George Minkowski WASHINGTON, DC— An applause erupted on Capitol Hill this Monday when Congress approved landmark legislation that guarantees nothing on President Barack Obama’s agenda will get done. H.R.…