By George Minkowski and Rufus Schwartezngoggle
HIGHLAND PARK, IL– Last Thursday, students from Township High School District #113 had their fingers crossed for a snow day. These students went to bed with a dream and woke up to an e-mail from Superintendent Fornero, telling them that school would be in session. Unfortunately for the students, this wasn’t a joke. However, some students were able to salvage part of their day by taking advantage of Fornero’s failed attempt to find the “Hide E-mail Recipients” option on his e-mail.
“Did he realize that anybody could just hit ‘Reply to All’ after reading that e-mail?” asks Deerfield Junior Crystal Vogl. “He must have know that people were not gonna be mature about his little administrative blunder.”
And immature people were! 7 people replied to Fornero’s e-mail. Their response ranged from “cool.nice. thank you” to “shut up.”
One individual actually sent a blank e-mail to the entire district. It is highly improbable that Fornero intended to start a district-wide thread, but he did. This has people asking, “What was he thinking?” Then again, this is far from the first instance of administrative blunders revealing the true nature of District 113 students. Just last year, what began as a comparable thread of sorts somehow evolved, or rather exploded, into a series of intensely graphic Fight Club haikus. Despite the administrations aggressive stance on obscenities, they have continually dropped the ball on monitoring student e-mails. The first rule of administration is you do not let students talk about fight club. The second rule of administration is you do NOT let students talk about fight club. Deerfield Senior Joseph Gleestone states, “I just don’t understand it. We aren’t allowed to so much as reference.”
Any mature thematic elements on Halloween, yet things even more twisted than I could ever imagine are sent directly to me via school e-mail. I think I can handle a guy dressed in girl’s clothes. But even I couldn’t help but gag in the fourth stanza.”
So what can Deerfield High School students take from this? Apparently the administration distracts us from how sick we all truly are. Perhaps the girls who merely blur out paraphernalia in their photos because they so desperately need to put them on Facebook are not mature, no matter what their blood alcohol concentration may suggest.
Perhaps the administration really does save us from ourselves. If Deerfield High School without a “BCC” option is as disturbed and immature as our e-mails suggest, maybe the censorship we face might be beneficial after all. Still, there is no better remedy to a detention due to a misuse of e-mail than admiring the more unrefined work of our Blue-Ribbon school.

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By Jeremy Hoodaman
Jeff Traison, 57, Deerfield resident and die-hard Cubs fan, has announced to the press that he has come to peace with Steve Bartman.
Bartman, an avid Cubs fan himself, is known for his infamous attempt to catch a fly ball during the 2003 Major League Baseball playoff game between the Cubs and Florida Marlins, disrupting a potential catch by outfielder Moises Alou. While fans were initially furious with Bartman for inadvertently causing the Cubs to lose, the public has largely come to peace with the events of that fateful eighth inning.
Jeff Traison, however, was not so quick to forgive and forget. He erected a small podium in his front yard, on which he primarily bellowed shockingly violent threats aimed at Bartman. In the days following the incident, local were enthusiastic about Traison’s crusade to avenge Alou. As the weeks progressed, the public began to tire of his antics.
“I mean, yeah, for the first couple of days I was kind of pissed,” said Vince Humbert, Traison’s neighbor “but after a while I guess I moved on… Jeff took a little longer though.”
Traison was still holding bi-weekly marches in protest of Bartman’s existence well into 2006. In 2008, he obtained only seven signatures for his petition to deport Bartman from the United States, and only last month he was seen wearing a “Buck Fartman” t-shirt while softly crying to himself.
“Jeff really doesn’t forget about things. The other day he was asking me if I was going to vote for William Hung on American Idol,” says Harold Cromwalter, a fellow employee of Jeff’s.
Those close to Jeff are relieved that he has finally come to terms with Bartman’s interference. “I’ve always known Jeff to be one who holds grudges, and this time was no different,” Melissa Traison, Jeff’s wife, told The Flipside, “but when Jeff started buying hunting gear, I began to get worried.”
In fact, prior to Jeff Traison’s public message, he had been actively pursuing the Mr. Bartman in the hopes of extracting an apology.
“I wasn’t planning doing on doing anything drastic,” Jeff assured the press. “Probably just a few fingers would have sent the messasge. Maybe even a hand if he was uncooperative But I’m past that now.”
In related news, Jeff have yet to remove the Kerry-Edwards campaign sticker from the back of his ‘87 Buick sedan.

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By George Minkowski
In recent days, Oprah Winfrey has begun an alarming descent into insanity. However, middle-aged women around the country continue to take her increasingly bizarre advice.
Oprah has long been known to promote numerous products and activities on her nationally syndicated show, “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Reports of Oprah’s senility have alarmed sensible and independent people everywhere, as Oprah’s cult of followers has neither recognized her steady mental decline nor ceased to follow her advice. “Oprah used to give regular suggestions, and I’ll admit that I did some of what she said,” says Robin Halcombe, 42, who has watched the famous talk show host’s program for several years. “Adopting pets and buying ergonomic garden tools seemed normal enough, but when she started telling people to bathe in motor oil, I was more than a bit hesitant to comply. Honestly, nobody is going to do this weird stuff!”
The thousands of anxious housewives crowding outside Jiffy Lubes everywhere prove quite the contrary. Though reports of Winfrey’s psychosis have dominated the media over the past several weeks (including leaked photos of her consumption of several whole sticks of butter), determined women are clearly not ready to stop listening to what she has to say.
“I’m really worried about my mommy,” says local first grader Tommy Wellington, son of devout Oprah follower Elena Wellington. “Yesterday, mommy wrapped everything in my house in aluminum foil because the lady on TV told her it would keep the bad spirits away. She even wrapped individual M&Ms.”
In related news; Chicago traffic has become nearly intolerable as millions of women drive to Millennium Park in order to worship the Bean upon the request of Winfrey. The once-respected talk show host has been perched atop the eminent sculpture for several days, trying in vain to convince a squirrel to accompany her to the movies.

Popularity: 5% [?]

By Francis Nash
President Barack Obama stunned the world last week after issuing an executive order postponing 2010 for the foreseeable future. Citing a long list of unresolved national crises, Obama announced in an impromptu press conference that “…it would be unwise to proceed into the next year at this point in time.”
He continued, “Sagging economic conditions, rampant H1N1 outbreaks, and the lackluster performance of Derrick Rose during his second season have forced us to reconsider our shift into the next decade.”
Activist groups are joining conservative members of Congress in condemning the president’s recent announcement that he will keep the nation in 2009. “It is clear that your administration has no clear exit strategy for 2009,” documentary filmmaker Michael Moore said in an open letter to Obama posted on his Web Site. “For the sake of your presidency, and the future of our nation, please let us proceed into the next decade.”
While many such protestors are urging the government to rethink a pushback of the new year, the plan is apparently set in stone, with Obama having issued his final orders to calendar manufacturers last Thursday. The White House is trying to assure both sides of the debate, offering several extra months to the year while simultaneously placing renewed emphasis on an exit strategy.
“I am committed to developing a timetable to proceed into 2010 in the most expeditious way possible,” the President assured the American public. “My administration is working closely with world leaders, with the goal of the safe and orderly deployment of the new year.”
This move, however, does make financial sense as our national debt is compounded daily and doesn’t grow as long

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By Lars Henry
As of last Wednesday, area physics teacher Trent Keynes officially became a “stickler for significant figures.” Although this may sound insignificant, the physics department is now up in arms due to the hard feelings of many angry students. Said honors physics sophomore Sam Schmidt in reference to the test that he bombed, “I had 1.2 and the answer was like 1.22.” Unfortunately, Keynes’ students have nowhere else to turn for assistance. “The person next to me had the same answer too,” Alec Ready of Mr. Keynes’ fifth period class explained. Although his students are sure they didn’t round too early in the problem or forget to change units, the test results reflect a different story. So next time, avoid this problem by double checking your significant figures, even if it’s irrational. Which it usually is.

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