By George Minkowski
HIGHLAND PARK — Over a dozen Deerfield students stayed home from school Monday after receiving salmonella from Walker Brothers due to unrefrigerated eggs. However, becoming violently ill is not enough to keep most people away from the delicious pancake house.
Those infected with the food-bourne bacteria report that besides nausea, fever, abdominal pain, and diarrhea, their meal at Walker Brothers was quite enjoyable. Many of these individuals plan on returning as soon as they can eat solid foods again.
Rebecca Samuels was among these unexpecting diners. “I ordered the Apple Pancake with a side of toast and an egg. It was soooo good but I got soooo sick.”
“Worth it,” adds Rebecca.
At any other restaurant, one would expect that traffic would go down following an outbreak of a bacteria that infects 142,000 Americans annually, but Walker Brothers proves to be an exception.
Following the outbreak, restaurant attendance has been up nearly 46%. This can be explained by a phenomenon that anyone who has ever eaten at Walker Brothers understands. That is, when people talk about Walker Brothers, you want Walker Brothers.
Rebecca Samuels e-mailed her teachers to let them know why she wouldn’t be in school on Monday. Her English and Math teachers responded by telling her that they were very jealous because Walker Brothers is, “totally the bomb.”
This incident marks the fourth outbreak in two years, but the restaurant defends their poor sanitation and food preparation habits by reminding visitors time and time again that sometimes you have to sacrifice safety for taste. Besides, who is it to say that salmonella is not what makes Walker Brothers food so gosh darn delicious in the first place?

Popularity: 9% [?]

By Alex Von Trapensfield
Students and teachers at DHS have discovered that sophomore Robby Cassini has an identical twin, Danny, and things are starting to make a lot more sense now.
Since freshman year, Robby’s peers were confused by his constant changes in behavior and personality, as well as his tendency to forget entire conversations and events.
“Wait, Robby has a twin?” exclaimed fellow sophomore Jake Lowe, who ate lunch with Robby last week and with Danny this week, “Wow… that explains a lot. Last week, he wouldn’t stop talking about how Green Day is the best band in existence. Then yesterday, he was muttering about how he’d rather shove ballpoint pens in his ears than listen to Green Day. I just figured he couldn’t make up his mind.”
Even Robby’s parents were not aware of his brother’s existence until around three years after his birth. “Robby certainly did seem to eat a lot, and he went through twice as many diapers as regular babies did,” mother Ella Cassini remembered. “Once I finally discovered my precious Danny, the difficult pregnancy was a lot easier to explain”.
The Cassini parents were the first to be inadvertently tricked by the twins, but they were certainly not the last. Head basketball coach Tim Walters was thoroughly impressed with Robby’s stellar performances on the varsity team; “I thought Robby was a phenomenal player. He’d be pulling down rebounds one second, then before you knew it he’d be across the court making a lay-up. It almost seemed like he was in two places at the same time.” In fact, the Deerfield basketball had accidentally been playing with six players on the court, but the referees were none the wiser.
Robby Cassini is understandably exasperated with the confusion between him and his brother. “Nobody around here understands the concept of identical twins,” Robby told The Flipside. Or um, wait, that may have been Danny. Actually, that was definitely Robby. I think.

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By Gunter Hausman
Unfortunately, as Christmas and Festivus fast approach, Kwanzaa is seldom on our radars. This is starting to bother Kwanzaa celebrators who were hoping that this would be the year that people finally got pumped up for Kwanzaa. Judging by the lack of kinaras and Nguzo Saba, this year will be no different.
“Seriously guys? Again?” asks Kwanzaa celebrator Steven Karenga. “I know we haven’t allowed ourselves to become as commercialized as Christmas or Hannukah, but I was expecting to see at least one Kwanzaa Karl at the mall this year.”
So were the other 4.7 million Americans who celebrate Kwanzaa. Many of whom thought that a great deal of other Americans would be able to get excited about the relatively new but definitely important seven day celebration.
Kwanzaa has started every year on December 26 since 1966, however it doesn’t really seem that many people have caught on which is strange because Kwanzaa always starts the day after Christmas, a day not very difficult to remember.
“This is what we are saying,” Ron Everett reports. “It’s so easy and so much fun to celebrate Kwanzaa. Everyone should do it. When we scheduled Kwanzaa, we made sure that it wouldn’t interfere with anything, so really there is no reason for not observing Kwanzaa.”
Each of the seven days of Kwanzaa is dedicated to one principle like Unity or Collective Work and Responsibility. Additionally, there is a culminating in a feast and gift giving. Fun!
Joyous Kwanzaa

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Dear Mr. Motzko.
I am lonely and allergic to almost everything. I really want a pet but it can’t have fur, scales, or feathers. My parent’s said I could get one if I found one that met these guidelines, but so far I’ve had no success. Do you have any ideas for a really non-traditional domestic pet? I’m really open to anything.
Sincerely,
Pet-less in Pasadena, Texas
Dear Pet-Less,
While I do understand the nagging malaise that accompanies the knowledge that we are ultimately alone on this fragile rock, hurtling through space with no destination, I fail to see how you can offset said emotional freight with a hamster. Watching him toil on his wheel like a miniature Sissyphus, one would think that you’d be crushed on the anvil of irony. To suggest the pointlessness of pet ownership is heresy to the domesticators and enslavers of nature’s denizens. Frankly, the line of picketers around Chez Motzko is already ten-deep. To ameliorate the masses, if I must recommend an insensate companion, make sure that said pet is A) unique B) able to defend your property C) able to outlive you and D) edible.
As to the first point, avoid the tried and true pets as they ultimately disappoint. I’m no fan of dogs, certainly since I assumed the title of Lord of Baskerville Manor. But what of the soulful eyes of the basset hound, you say? I get the same effect from the googly eyes glued to my pet rock, still going strong since 1972. Cats may have a cool independence about them but they stink like the bathrooms at the Atkins Institute. Cat urine may indeed glow under blacklight but so does my Jim Morrison poster. Let me counsel you against considering anything from the superfamily Muroidea (rodents, for the Latin-challenged). One minute you’ve got a mouse for a friend, next minute you’re strangling Curley’s wife.
To the second point, consider that behind defense, we spend almost as much money in this nation on pets. Somehow I doubt that old Rex is going to keep the Viking hordes off my doorstep (again). Third, make sure your pet has the ability to outlive you. How many tear stained shirts do I have to burn, courtesy of “Where the Red Fern Grows”? Avoid the childhood trauma of burying a pet (or worse, burying a pet alive) through the careful selection of a long-lived companion (e.g. Joshua Tree).
To the last point, a simple gravy can be made with flour, salt and any former best friend.

Popularity: 30% [?]

By George Minkowski
DEERFIELD— As the old adage goes, never judge a book by its cover. Though we at The Flipside recommend judging books by their covers (i.e. The Color of Water), Junior Courtney Haber is a special exception. Those familiar with Courtney describe her as being “like, really hot,” but she wants to make it clear that she is more than just a pretty face. She also likes to read and stuff.
“Thank you so much. Yes, I know. I’m really pretty, but that’s not the way I want to be remembered at this school,” Haber told The Flipside in an exclusive interview, “I’m really so much more than that. I like books and homework and learning.”
“I even read The Da Vinci Code all by myself,” Haber added, “and I kind of understood it.”
The young Eleanor Roosevelt can be found in the front row of her classes, busily taking notes and asking questions that she really wants to know the answers to. Her backpack is full of spiral notebooks and heavily annotated required reading material. Some would call Courtney a brown-noser, including her teachers. Others, such as her close friend Tiffany, contest that Courtney “just, like, really loves to learn.”
Regardless of her confessed bookworm tendencies, Haber continues to attract the attention of many male students at Deerfield High School. “Oh, uhhh… I was just stretching my neck. My bad,” stammered sophomore Carl Ashcroft after making awkward eye contact with Haber during English class, “Yeah, uhhh, I used to hate nerds, but Courtney made me realize that there’s more to a person than the way they look or dress. But right now it’s hard for me to think about anything other than OH MY GOD SHE IS SO ATTRACTIVE.”
Whether color-coding her history notes or printing a ten-page study guide for a reading quiz, Courtney Haber strives every day to both excel in her studies and make you feel worthless in comparison. “She’s pretty, I’ll admit,” says Junior Tara Reynolds, “…pretty good at making me want to drop out of school. Honestly, how can I compete with that? She’s like a hot Ben Franklin.”

Popularity: 11% [?]

By Elijah Brisk
It is now mid-December. The leaves have all fallen, the temperature has dropped (drastically!), and the first snow has fallen. People are wearing two fleeces, and there is a constant mob around the cafeteria entrance as students struggle to get the last gyro. As I sit here today, I feel I must give my readers the pleasure of knowing all they have to look forward to this winter.
1) The mornings when you realize that there is no snow day, even though there was a good chance for one. Then you realize that you didn’t get an ounce of your homework done because you were counting on having no school.
2) The mornings when you realize that you have a snow day, and can make snow forts and have snowball fights and drink as much hot cocoa as you can. Then you remember that you did all your homework last night because you didn’t think it would be a snow day, and had to finish two papers and study for a calculus test.
3) The awkward family get-togethers for the holidays. So you go up to your third cousin, who you see maybe three times a year at best. Hug? Handshake? Neither? Do not fret, my child, for you are not alone. These are the questions paining millions around the country at this time of year. And, to put it frankly, there is no right answer. Whatever you end up doing, it will still be just as awkward. So, go into it with an open mind. Try out the fist bump, or even a salute! You never know – They may just decide to walk away without saying a word, allowing you the chance you had been waiting for to snag some of that spinach

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