By George Minkowski
There is nothing worse than asking a question, not having it answered, and then being asked if you get it. In this uncomfortable situation, most students might casually lie or drop the course on the spot. However, some students will fake their understanding by emitting an audible “Ah-Ha,” thus saving themselves from prolonged and unnecessary learning.
Richard Brown found himself in this situation Monday in his 8th period Pre-Calculus class. He raised his hand to ask a question about inverse-somethings, and the teacher’s response only clouded his abysmal understanding.
“I really didn’t get it,” Richard says. “And I still don’t get it, but at least the class doesn’t think I’m an idiot.”
Richard’s act was apparently very effective. “It was probably the best work I’ve done in that class all year,” he adds. “I said little things like, ‘Oooh! I got it now. Because like— I got it!’ and ‘that totally makes sense. You’re such a great teacher.’”
Shortly after this pseudo-“Ah-Ha!” moment, Richard wrote in his assignment notebook “Learn what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is going on in Pre-Calc. Also, bring in tissue box for English.”
However, Ms. Raymond, Richard’s teacher didn’t notice this. She was too busy enjoying the euphoria that “Ah-Ha!” moments cause teachers. “I just love it when it clicks with a student,” Ms. Raymond reports. “It’s what keeps me going. [Sigh]”
However, several students in the class were actually annoyed by this and found Richard’s “Ah-Ha” moment to be ostentatious and condescending. These students do have some reason to be annoyed, considering Richard’s little show cost the class three minutes of their time and ended up costing Richard the admiration of the cute girl who sits behind him who really liked his ‘terrible at math’ persona.
Hopefully, Richard will have a legitimate “Ah-Ha!” moment before his parents have a chance to see his report card because the method-acting method of learning math isn’t really panning out too well. Method-acting method of learning math. Get it. I’ll give you a second.
“Oooh! Ah-Ha! That’s clever,” say people reading this article.

Popularity: 9% [?]

By Jeremy Hoodaman
Yesterday, the Screen Actors Guild honored Morgan Freeman as they pronounced him the eighth ancient wonder of the world. “We are so proud of… Oh man, I just get goosebumps thinking about him,” gushed SAG National President Ken Howard. “Morgan is the best thing this industry has seen in years… Decades… Centuries? Also, my mom loves him.”
Freeman joins the ranks of the Great Pyramid of Giza, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, and the Colossus of Rhodes. Carbon dating has yet to determine if the esteemed actor is in fact older than these celebrated monuments.
Morgan Freeman is best known for his ability play a diverse set of characters. Among his best known roles: the aging, wise Sergeant John Rawlin in Glory, the aging, wise, prison mate Ellis Boyd Redding in The Shawshank Redemption, the aging, wise ex-boxer Eddie Dupris in Million Dollar Baby, among countless others. And who can forget his celebrated role as the aging, wise butler Lucius Fox in Batman Begins & its sequel, The Dark Knight. He also narrated March of the Penguins.
“I love Morgan Freeman so much,” actress Angelina Jolie, who starred with Freeman in Wanted, in which he played the aging, wise professor Sloan. “I hate writing him birthday cards though, since I’ve never learned how to use scientific notation.”
Other actors are equally fond of Freeman, and he is almost universally respected in Hollywood. “He’s pretty cool guy,” legendary actor Sydney Poitier told The Flipside, “although once he told me he remembered when I was just a glint in my father’s eye. I’m pretty sure I’m 13 years older than him.”
Morgan Freeman held a press conference to accept his nomination. “I’m extremely flattered to receive this tremendous honor,” he said with an overwhelming calm voice, one which would persuade many to do things that are generally not accepted in society. “I always tell my kids if you lay down, people will step over you. But if you keep scrambling, if you keep going, someone will always, always give you a hand. Always. But you gotta keep dancing, you gotta keep your feet moving,” he said, before walking off in a cool, collected manner that led many people to question whether his role as God in Bruce Almighty was, in fact, a role.

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By Elijah Brisk
It’s that time of year again. The time of year when the school’s runny nostrils are graced daily with the sweet scent of chlorine, algaecides, and a plethora of other chemicals that has kids wondering, “What is that layer of grease in the pool I’m about to jump into?” Most of us here at DHS have already experienced the red, itchy dryness that hits you around 3 periods after you have gym. However, there is one group of students that has yet to blush in the locker room: the freshmen. And they are freaked out.
Now, after three years of this swimming unit, I have witnessed these students attempting every possible way out of the dreaded unit. From doctor’s notes to ear infections, the freshmen are running out of ideas. One genius even tried to convince the teacher he was allergic to chlorine. HA! If the rookie had done some research, he may have realized that chlorine is in your toothpaste. Are you telling me you’ve never brushed your teeth? Good try, pal. You know as well as I do that suburban mothers would not dare let their children go one day without brushing their teeth to a shiny white glimmer.
Little Louie Levitt, a freshman in third period gym, explained, “I’ve tried everything, and I just can’t seem to get out of this darn unit! I hear they watch you from a small window under the water.” While that is no doubt true, it is just about time for everybody to give up the fight and get in the water with the rest of the grade, who is most likely more sick than you are. Lucky for me, I got the Swine Flu shot last week.
I also want to say that I am really sorry if the water ruins your hair. Bring some conditioner next time, and perhaps some hair gel. I hear that Bed Head stuff works wonders.

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By George Minkowski

DEERFIELD– Tuesday after school, judges went around the building to decide which homeroom built the best can-struction. Most of them were made from dented cans of cream of celery, a food that the West Deerfield Township Food Pantry reports having a surplus of for 12 years in a row. Spoiler alert! The winner of the competition will be the homeroom who didn’t get their cans from the botchulism aisle at CostCo.
Betsy Lander of the Food Pantry is always excited with the amount of participation in the community. However, she wishes more Deerfield citizens would cough up Chunky soup instead of Ramen and cream of celery.
“We really appreciate all the help we’ve gotten,” Betsy says. “But I think our families would appreciate some food that can actually be served for dinner, not as a garnish for eating old Ugg boots.”
“But we really are grateful,” she adds.
Those who actually have had the displeasure of eating cream of celery would not be as grateful. They report eating it is like eating liquid sadness. The sensation of almost throwing up is synonymous with that of eating cream of celery. For this reason, it’s shocking that virtually every charitable family in Deerfield has at one point bought a can or two of cream of celery, decided not to use it, and then donated it to a student collecting cans for the local food shelter.
Employees at the food shelter find the fact that this happens every year baffling. Deerfield citizens, on the other hand, are just happy to have helped.
“I wouldn’t say I am like a saint or anything, but I did just donate a can of cream of celery, 10 pounds of Ramen, and 3 cans of huitlacoche. Whatever that is,” Deerfield resident Devin Haber tells Flipside reporters. Although that may seem like a lot, Devin’s donation amounted to $4.00 which is only a fraction of a price you would have to pay any sane person to eat cream of celery. By the way, Devin’s yearly salary is $300,000 and this canned food drive only happens once a year.
Although Devin’s donation of a can of cream of celery won’t do much good for helping people, it may be useful as a pesticide. The food pantry has been looking for a way to exterminate the rodents and insects that feast on the pickled cow’s tongue, the pantry’s fourth most plentiful food. Behind Ramen flavored Ramen, canned dehydrated leftovers, and you guessed it, cream of celery.

Popularity: 9% [?]

By Jeremy Hoodaman

SparkNotes, the sworn enemy of English teachers everywhere, recently announced “SparkNotes: SparkNotes Edition”, a new website with abbreviated versions of its summaries. Students have long complained about the amount of time needed to read an abridged version of a book, and this new website is created specifically for the cramped-for-time demographic.
After the first quarter of school, where parent signatures and tissue boxes constitute the majority of one’s grades, students have begun to notice that their classes get really, really, tough. Between AP classes, sports, clubs, and alleged “social lives”, Deerfield students barely have enough time to clip their toenails. As students attempt to manage their workloads efficiently, reading assignments are often the first things to go unless your English teacher checks for annotations, in which case: LAME. Since the Protestant Reformation, SparkNotes has been used to fake the completion of reading assignments, and in many cases, it is used by those who do not have the patience to find irony, allegories, or alliterations themselves.
However, some students have neither the hours nor the minutes to read books or web pages. “We realize that in this day and age, young people are not interested in reading anything longer than a Twitter post,” says Stanley Gilstrap, founder of SparkNotes LLC, “and unfortunately, most novels are slightly longer than 140 characters. For this reason, we are confident that ‘SparkNotes: SparkNotes Edition’ will be the ‘fun-sized’ version of your favorite SparkNotes entries.”
In fact, the new website abbreviated versions of the abbreviated versions of classic works are simple sentences, summing up hundreds of pages into a bite-sized piece of information.
For example, the entry for Arthur Miller’s critically acclaimed The Crucible, reads simply, “Witches be crazy.” Attempting to access any work of Shakespeare redirects Internet browsers to a page reading either “Everybody dies” or “Almost everybody dies.” Searching The House on Mango Street yields “Vignettes = Poems = THIS BOOK IS FOR GIRLS.”

Popularity: 17% [?]

By Antone Walters

Dr. Third Eye, the notorious super-villain bent on world domination, was bested once again by Alphaville’s most powerful superhero, Hyperboy.
“My plan would have worked marvelously,” recounted the evil doctor in a press event last week. “I had just perfected a truth serum, which I would use to pollute Alphaville’s water supply, forcing everybody to release their innermost secrets, and their awful truths, and… um… My dad would maybe tell me he’s proud of me.”
Dr. Third Eye had even captured Hyperboy, chaining him to a bicycle rack and handcuffing him. Before departing to steal the world’s supply of Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce, however, the super-villain made a point to explain each intricate step of his plan for world domination.
“I don’t think he really knows how to speak in front of an audience,” Hyperboy reported later in the Alphaville Post. “He kind of turned away from me after a while and started mumbled to himself, at which point I used my super-strength to break the cuffs and the chains, and flew out the back window. I guess all three of his eyes were closed, because I don’t even think he noticed I had escaped.”
Hyperboy laments the tendency of super-villain to ramble on and on. “It has gotten kind of boring lately. I’m not really complaining. I just feel like a lot of my adventures would have been a little more exciting had my nemeses not taken time to explain their plans in complete detail before leaving me to die a slow and easily escapable death.”

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