By George Minkowski

CLEVELAND CLINIC— It’s common knowledge that obesity is never your own fault. Maybe it runs in the family, or maybe you are just big-boned, but one thing is for sure, it’s not your fault.
New research from the Cleveland Clinic suggests that this is not entirely true. They believe that many obese Americans are so because of their own behaviors. This paradigm shifting assertion is leaving many Americans flabbergasted.
Chuck McAlister is one of these obese Americans. We had an opportunity to sit down and talk with him at an IHOP this past week. “This is ridiculous on so many levels,” McAlister says. “First off, I’m out of syrup. That’s just unacceptable. Also, the reason I’m overweight is obviously because my allergy medication causes me to gain weight.”
Still, the researchers behind this study would maintain that Mr. McAlister is fat because he eats more than any man should and the last time he exercised was when the fire alarm went off at an Old Country Buffet and he was forced to power-walk to the door. “We understand that this is not what most American’s want to hear,” Dr. Philip Gookin of the Cleveland Clinic says. “But there is no denying the evidence; people who are constantly eating tend to be more overweight than those who eat healthy and exercise. Poor diet and little to no exercise will most likely result in obesity. No longer can we blame our fatness on ‘evolution.’ We must recognize that having a slice of chocolate cake for a snack is a more reasonable explanation for obesity than a shirt just fitting you awkwardly.”
With this new information, scientists are now trying to find a way to prevent or treat obesity. They are abandoning mainstream weight loss strategies such as “weight loss belts” and “yoga.” Now they are focusing on what people are putting into their face-holes and how many hours a day they spend staring at glowing rectangles.

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Parties aren’t easy. For some, the schmoozing and socializing comes naturally, but for you, being in a room with more than a dozen people leaves you quivering in the fetal position. Don’t worry; you’re not the only one. Many are overwhelmed by the talking, dancing and body contact that your grandmother would definitely not approve of, unless she’s one of those cool grandmothers, but I digress.
Parties can be weird and awkward. If you don’t watch your step, you’ll end up on the couch talking to six guys you’ve never met about how you disagree with the marshmallow to cereal ratio in a box of Lucky Charms. But with some practice and patience, you’ll be as cool as a cucumber… whatever that means.
First off, make sure you don’t arrive exactly on time. You’re most likely not going to get a tardy slip. Don’t worry too much about what clothes you show up in, because in the dark most guys look the same anyway. By the way, that mayonnaise-stained shirt you think is really comfortable might not fair so well under the black light.
All those movies you’ve ever seen…Those people are actors. Reality and Judd Apatow movies are two separate things. High school is not like Mean Girls. If you come to a Halloween party dressed as a horrible-looking witch, your night will be less successful than Shaq’s rap career. And for the record, being a mathlete and kissing Aaron Samuels is like dividing by zero– impossible.
But not everyone will be able to have fun at parties- there are specific roles that must be played. Of course, we have the couple of dudes stuck to the walls like they’re in a police line-up. We have the texters, who have other people they’d rather talk to than the hundreds within a ten-foot radius of them. And who could forget the kid nervously zipping and unzipping his sweatshirt because he doesn’t know what to do with his hands? What, you want to be the guy who whispers, “You have a kind smile” into girls’ ears and gets away with it? Sorry, you must have missed auditions.
Yeah, the music is kind of loud. And no, we’re not going to play the “Cha Cha Slide”. Let’s just keep on listening to Lil Wayne while yelling too loudly about how hard last week’s math test was. This is forever night!

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By Jeremy Hoodaman

In one of the largest blunders in recent history, the New York Times printed a Sudoku puzzle that was impossible to solve in its September 16th paper. The disaster caused immeasurable amounts of damage, as enraged civilians destroy everything in their path. “THE SIX! IT DOESN’T GO ANYWHERE!” Local Cathy Griffin was heard yelling from atop her roof, shaking a pitchfork at the sky. “THE SIX SHOULD GO HERE, BUT I NEED THE FIVE THERE. AND IF I PUT IT HERE, I HAVE TWO SIXES IN THE SAME COLUMN! I CAN’T LIVE THIS WAY ANYMORE!” Cathy was later seen smashing local store windows and throwing cats into trees. “I DENOUNCE MY COUNTRY! I DENOUNCE MY RELIGION! I DENOUNCE MY FAMILY NAME!” screamed Ted Gaffigan, a prominent Chicago realtor, as he drove his BMW M3 into Lake Michigan.
Many of the nation’s airports have been shut down, as the volatile passengers refuse to get off the planes until they fill in all 81 squares. Hospitals have been unable to accommodate a surge of mentally unstable patients who are flooding the hospital. “They refuse to eat or drink, and they babble on about numbers and columns and boxes,” reports nurse Jenny Lake from Highland Park Hospital, “The sight of an eraser drives them insane”. Civilians living in large cities are advised to stay within their homes, as the iPhones of fuming businessmen rain down from the windows of tall buildings.
President Obama issued a somber address to the nation this morning, taking note that “…this catastrophe is the worst puzzle-related incident we’ve encountered since those dark, dark weeks of the Crossword Epidemic of ‘98”. President Obama has also signed off on Congress’ unanimous decision to declare war against Japan, whose “death puzzles” are singlehandedly responsible for the demise of our once-beautiful country.

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By Elijah Brisk

Students were up in arms today, as The Flipside was released in solely black and white copies. “How could something so terrible happen?” the masses wondered. As inconsid­erate as it may seem, the decision actually came from the death of a beloved international icon – Roy G. Biv. Yes, it’s true – yesterday, the Nobel Peace Prize winner, painter, and well known schizophrenic passed away, and as tribute to the colorful celebrity, The Flipside will from this moment forward be published in black and white.

But is it a cause for concern? Well, of course it is! No­body wants to look at a boring, colorless Infographic! In an interview with Senior Flipside Correspondent James Pickard, Jr., veteran reader, Sam Graham, exclaimed, “Now I might actually have to start reading the articles since you made the rest of The Flipside boring!” It was later revealed that Graham was in fact illiterate, though his illegitimate words were still taken to heart.

Still, others were in favor of eliminating color to re­member Mr. Biv. Sophomore Gregory Miller said, “After all the inspiration he gave to kindergarten kids across the world, I’m glad someone is finally giving him his due!”

After these testimonies and more were heard and considered, The Flipside crew decided that the best thing to do was to ignore the issue and return to te­dious task of creating the weekly cryptogram. So al­though the student body was heavily in favor of the color copies, they just weren’t worth the price.

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Dear Mr. Motzko,

Homecoming is around the corner and I still don’t have any creative ideas for asking someone to the dance. I’m thinking about Google-ing some ideas but I know that would be the lamest thing ever. Please help me out before I’m forced to ask her in a text message.

Sincerely,

Dateless in Deerfield

Dear Reader/ Supplicant,

While I generally assign a frowny-face to dance-related activities (owing to their tendency to bring on unex­pected bouts of rain and Satan), I know there hasn’t been much to do in D-town since the amusement park became haunted. I hope Scoob and his pals resolve that one post haste.

To answer your query, I have to ask myself, WWBRD (What Would Burt Reynolds Do)? As such, the best bet for deal sealing would be to challenge him or her to a cross-country race along with several hundred C-list Hollywood washouts. If you win, he/she is resigned to arm candy sta­tus for the shindig. Lose, and become a punchline for the new millennium. Either way, hilarity ensues. If madcap is not in your vocabulary, check your dictionary.

Next, consider something more subtle and tasteful, such as carving your intent into a local large outcrop of granite (Mt. Deerfield, for example) or the timeless touch of a hand-painted dirigible, tethered to the roof of your desired dance partner. If all else fails, nothing gets the point across like a barrel of monkeys. Just don’t forget the air holes in the barrel.

Do you have a question for Mr. Motzko? Email them dhsflipside@gmail.com, and you may have your question answered in a future issue of The Flipside.

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By Gunther Hausman
It has been astonishing that the ‘Free Hugs’ guy was in business as long as he has been, but in recent weeks, the entrepreneur reported being unable to continue offering his services at their price of $0.00.
Any know-it-all who has taken AP Econ will tell you that they knew the ‘Free Hugs’ enterprise was doomed from the start, but the rest of us thought there was something spe¬cial about the ‘Free Hugs’ dude. We thought that he was able to make a career out of offering a free service and not accepting donations. His bold economic strategy seemed to be recession proof, but we were dead wrong.
Every time it rained, he has to get a new sign costing him 5 dollars. That caused his quarterly earnings to be negative 15 dollars. The ‘Free Hugs’ guy, unable to support his family on that kind of salary, was forced to make the difficult decision to charge for his hugs. Last week he introduced a new sign. “Hugs— ¢50.”
“I used to get A LOT of business, but I wasn’t making the kind of money I was hoping for,” the ‘Free Hugs’ guy explains to Flipside reporters. “But now, when I should be making the big bucks, nobody wants a hug.”
Minda Ervin used to stop by the ‘Free Hugs’ guy every day on her way to work but has recently been taking an alternate route to avoid the poten¬tially awkward confrontation. In fact, many commuters have been avoid¬ing the foul-smelling and presumably homeless ‘Free Hugs’ dude.
“I’ve really gotten to know the ‘Free Hugs’ dude over the past few years, but paying him for a hug is just ridicu¬lous,” Ervin says. “I’d happily give him money to start a business that actually has an income, but if I ever try to slip him some money, he pulls me in and charges fifty cents.”
The experts say the recession is over, but don’t tell that to the ‘Free Hugs’ dude. His struggle to say afloat in today’s economy is just beginning. Let’s hope the government can do better with ‘Free Healthcare.’

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