Popularity: 5% [?]

Popularity: 5% [?]

With Guantanamo Bay shutting down, DHS librarians finally have found a solution to unnecessary library chatter and other shenanigans: torture.

According to chief librarian Ms. Strict, “The library is out of control. I feel the only logical punishment for eating crackers in the library is sending the perpetrator to Guantanamo Bay. No trial is needed, the punishment clearly fits the crime.”

At Guantanamo, students learn the hard way about library procedures. Students memorize the Dewey decimal system, learn exactly how many pieces of paper they are allowed to print out, and get their voice boxes crushed so as to forever whisper.

Like in the library, at Guantanamo there is no food or drink… ever. The similarities do not stop there. At Guantanamo, there are many guards constantly glancing suspiciously at its inhabitants. The slightest sign of wrongdoing and they move in for the kill. No fun, life, laughter or other human characteristics are allowed.

Many see this move as an overly dramatic measure to increase library security. DHS sophomore Joe Sullen sophomorically noted, “Honestly, I was fine when the punishment for talking in the quiet section was water boarding. That seemed fair. When Mr. Winkie electrocuted my baby-makers because I did not pay my overdue fine—that was understandable. Now it is just getting ridiculous.”

Though nobody has seen Joe since he made those comments, many share his sentiments. Before the librarians instituted torture, the punishment for using Wikipedia or Sparknotes was having to sit through a lecture on how to use the Gale Virutal library. Two time offenders had to intensely watch a sixty-minute lesson on all the subscription services and MLA citation. As always, it is three strikes and you’re out: three time violators had to join the Book Club.

Still, the librarian’s logic is clear. As the world advances, so must their discipline. Just recently, students were spotted using calculators with wireless communication technology. These Ti-CalcuPhones are just another example of students attempting to ruin library utopia.
Even though reading in general has long been considered torture, the physical and moral implications remain to be seen. As rumors swirl about wire-tapping, the QUIET Act (Quiet, Utopia, Inhumane, Extinction, and Torture), and preemptive nuclear warfare, the library is starting to look more and more like a war zone. As students find innovative ways to eat, text, and chat, the librarians are not afraid to play at high stakes. Both sides are going all in. Who is going to fold?

Popularity: 3% [?]

Popularity: 5% [?]

Popularity: 5% [?]

Yo man, just give me a minute; I’m still catching my breath from that sick nasty one hundred yard run. It was like escaping from prison all over again. I swear, you look at me again and I’ll punch you in the face. Then I’ll push you down.

Now in all seriousness, Arizona you guys played a great game… for a bunch of losers. You played well enough to win… but you didn’t.

I’m just messin’. Warner, that was a solid touchdown pass at end the half. Too bad your grocery bag, grandfather eyes couldn’t recognize the three hundred pound dude wearing the other color jersey.

I’d like to thank my great defensive coordinator Dick Lebeau. Ha. I said dick.

That was a fun game. Nothing could top that halftime show, especially Janet Jackson. She wasn’t wearing one.

What an awesome catch by Holmes. Now we need to teach him how to speak English. It’s understandable though, he went to Ohio State. The Ohio State.

Let me be frank with you all for a moment. Arizona, it’s too bad you can’t hold on to a lead as well as Mike Ganby held on to me all game.

I just can’t wait to watch “Chuck” tomorrow in 3-d.

Hugs and kisses,
James Harrison

Popularity: 3% [?]