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I am thankful for everything. Just everything. Everything is wonderful. How can we not be thankful for the economy? It is going just great! I cannot wait to spoil my kids rotten with presents this holiday season considering how super spectacular the economy is doing. Maybe I’ll give them some of my now worthless Bear Stearns stock to use as extra padding for their beds.

I also am really thankful for the travel Thanksgiving necessitates. I simply am beside myself with excitement for yet another six-hour drive to my mother-in-law’s house. There is nowhere I’d rather spend my time than with my in-laws in the beautiful, prosperous city of Flint, Michigan. From the for sale signs to the three paved roads in that town, it sure beats staying in the comfort of my Deerfield home. Who likes the superior food, entertainment options, and working restroom facilities of Deerfield anyways? I surely don’t.

And the weather. Don’t let me forget to thank some higher power for the weather. The Flint forecast calls for snow, snow, and guess what, a little more snow. I bet it’s going to hail too.

Let’s not forget to thank day light savings. Thanks to this ingenious idea, it will be pitch black by five for Thanksgiving.

In short, I am so thankful for Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. Not.

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I just have so many things to be thankful for around Thanksgiving time. First, I am thankful for the mass slaughter of my brethren and sisteren so you filthy humans can overeat, adding to your already ridiculous obesity problem. It just makes my gobble shrivel up in anger thinking about a fat American over indulging on my second cousin’s thigh. I knew that thigh; it was Yorik’s thigh, the turkey who loved Shakespeare.

Secondly, I am thankful for Fox. They make a mockery of Turkey’s during the Thanksgiving football game when John Madden, who has eaten plenty of my friends, gives away the game “turkey leg.” Oh well, at least I get to watch such highly competitive teams like the Lions play football on Thanksgiving.

Thirdly, I am thankful for reverting back to elementary turkey writing by using a long series of lists.

Fourthly, I am thankful for stuffing. As if there were not enough ways to complete the annual turkey genocide, now we can eat every part of my edible body. From turkey soup to fried turkey gizzard, Thanksgiving is one party I cannot wait for. Oh goody, it looks like the nice man with the big butcher knife can’t wait to spend Thanksgiving with me either. Goodbye. I hope I give you all terrible, terrible diarrhea.

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The birds and the bees and the bubblegum trees… I am thankful for the world, which is as sugary and yummy as the big rock candy mountain.

My Thanksgiving cup of apple cider is not just half full; it is brimming over with the fruitfulness of this year’s harvest. Yipee!

Thanksgiving. By golly, the word thank is right there in the name. Thank, thank, thank, thank, thank. I just can’t say it enough. It reminds me of that song by K.C. and the Sunshine band: Thank, thank, thank, thank your booty. You’re welcome.

Pumpkin pie for dessert?! Hip, hip, hooray. Each lovingly handcrafted slice represents the limitless future of the pie industry, especially in Deerfield. And look, doesn’t the whip cream look like a cloud. Goody, goody, gumdrops. I just want to fly away in that cloud. Gee whilikers, wouldn’t that just be dandy?

I am thankful for college applications. Although I haven’t heard back from any of the nine schools I applied to, I am sure I’ll get into each and every one. Maybe I’ll get a scholarship! Maybe I’ll use two exclamation points in this sentence!! I did it!!!

Most of all I am thankful for being optimistic. It is better than being a fatalist. Right? Oh no, am I becoming a fatalist? Why do I keep asking so many questions? Will this stop? Do I even know who I am anymore? Oh yeah, of course I do. I am an optimist. Nothing can ever go wrong.

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I really doubt people will even be patient enough to read this article! The headline is longer than the text, for goodness sake. I don’t understand how people can’t find the time or the energy to read the entire Flipside, which should only take about five minutes if you are reading at ACT reading pace. Kids just can’t seem to focus these days. Oh look, I see a butterfly!

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Really, don’t worry about it man. My old man puts the cashola on my card. Don’t sweat it, broski. I’ll probably just tell my madre that I need fifty more dollars for my card and I’ll actually only put thirty on it. If High School has taught me anything, man, it is to be an entrepreneur. My econ teacher would applaud my capitalist venture.

Hold up duderino. My sister? Come on, that’s crossing the line. A man law line that has been in place since Eve screwed over Adam. Whatever. Apology accepted. Just give me the now sixty cent cookies, bro-pa. I don’t care if they fell on the floor. Those cooks just look soo soft. You ate them, man? Wow. You’re kinda being a d…

Bag, could you please pass me my bag. At least let me borrow your pimped out Ti-84 Silver edish. No? You’re being totally selfish. Can I get some more food? Thanks, dude. Here’s my card. No problem, man. What a toolbag.

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I’m really sorry dude. I really am. I thought for sure you were done with those nugs. I know how tasty those fat filled, deep fried, chicken nuggets were. I ate them. My bad. I mean, in my defense, dude, you got up for at least thirty seconds. You snooze, you lose, man.

What am I saying? It was sooo my fault. Just like when I did not know that girl was your girlfriend. Or when I didn’t know that girl was your sister. Or that money you left out was not for me. Oh, you didn’t know about that. My bad, dude. On the bright side, I bought three warm cookies from the lunchroom. Handpicked. You want one? Let me get you one. Oops, I forgot man. I already munched them down.

I’ve just been a terrible bro today, broha. Is there anything, I mean anything I could do for you? Besides that. And that. No problem on that last one. I’ll for sure go to the caf and buy you some popcorn chicken. Just give me your card.

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